One of the earliest and hardest decisions I had to make, aged 19, was to say ‘No’ to someone.
Its not surprising though because often in Christian ministry/youthwork No can be one of the hardest words to say.
No, actually you are not suitable for this ministry
No, I dont think this job is for you
No, you have not really fulfilled what was expected of you in your probation
No, I actually dont have the time to do this
No, my time is more important
No.
No. (might just be a complete sentence)
No, and without an excuse.
No is difficult when you are used to saying Yes.
No is difficult when the desire to people please is strong.
No is difficult when you are scared of the person asking.
No is difficult when ‘we have to think the best of people’ .
No is difficult when ‘if no one else is going to do it ill have to’
No is difficult because it asks us to go against the yes.
No is difficult because its harder work, isnt it
No is difficult because it means being brave.
No is difficult because it often means standing up for something
No is difficult when compliance is rewarded.
No means not being nice:
But sadly, we hold onto our childhood beliefs and we continue to associate no with being dislikeable, bad-mannered, unkind, or selfish. We worry that if we say no, we will feel humiliated, guilty, or ashamed, and will end up being alone, rejected, or abandoned.
https://tinybuddha.com/blog/stop-saying-yes-want-say-no/
When NO, This cannot go on
When NO, I am going to take responsibility
When NO, This is hard, but its what I believe in.
When NO, trusts our gut, instinct, passion, it says YES to ourselves. Our real selves.
I have found that I’m often relieved after I say no.
I didn’t make a no decision that had that much significance to me, it had more significance to someone else.
A yes now, might mean putting off a no that someone else has to make.
But other times I have said yes, to survive. Other times I have said yes and denied the feelings inside that were screaming for attention. In survival mode. Pretend mode. Scared mode.
No means boundaries.
No means I am worthy and my time is valuable.
Saying no to others, means saying yes to ourselves.
What does ‘Yes’ to myself look like?
It looks like self care. Valuing my time.
It looks like working on myself.
It looks like listening to myself.
It looks like stopping. Pausing. Realising I couldn’t go on, going on.
It meant signing up for therapy.
It meant being true to myself, but first helping me hear myself.
Yes to myself. No to others.
Loving myself, like loving my neighbour. Not just the latter.
Helpful Tips for Saying No
- Be direct, such as “no, I can’t” or “no, I don’t want to.”
- Don’t apologize and give all sorts of reasons.
- Don’t lie. Lying will most likely lead to guilt—and remember, this is what you are trying to avoid feeling.
- Remember that it is better to say no now than be resentful later.
- Be polite, for example, saying, “Thanks for asking.”
- Practice saying no. Imagine a scenario and then practice saying no either by yourself or with a friend. This will get you feeling a lot more comfortable with saying no.
- Don’t say, “I’ll think about it” if you don’t want to do it. This will just prolong the situation and make you feel even more stressed.
- Remember that your self-worth does not depend on how much you do for other people. (From Tiny Buddha)
I find it easier to say yes. I know why this is. It makes and has made saying no, when no means trusting and listening to my own feelings so difficult.
My own healing is helping me to listen, and know that I can trust those feelings, to say no. And its ok to say no.
Think about it another way, yes when meaning no, is only a lie to myself.
A healing No, might make a Yes more true and authentic.
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