15 phrases not to say to children of abusive parents

A few months ago I wrote a piece about the myths that surround in regard to parents – myths like ‘Parents love you whatever’ or ‘Mums are so supportive’ that do nothing for anyone who’s experience of parents is vastly different to this, to the point of being abusive, physically, emotional, sexually or spiritually (or a combination of all of these), they do more than nothing, they give these parents an already sympathetic starting point. If you want to have a read of that piece, it is here ; The myths about parents that prevent abuse from being believed.

You see the thing is, when youve known that your parents have been awful from an early age, you get the opportunity to respond to alot of ‘well-meaning’, sometimes trite, sometimes misadvised comments from people, who might be trying to help, without actually knowing the situation.

Sometimes these phrases do no more than pile on heaps of guilt and shame – that somehow I was to blame about the way my parents are, or were towards me, or they sort of encourage a kind of grief/guilt – that somehow I ‘should’ feel this way about my parents…but I don’t.

Maybe these are things ‘not’ to say to a child who is known to have difficult parents. Maybe these are things not to say to an adult child who is now able to deal with those parents, or even to grandchildren who have worked out their grandparents. Most of them I have heard in one form or another.

1. They can’t be that bad…because you turned out ok
2. They could have been worse
3. Your Poor parents having to deal with you
4. At least they stayed together when other couples didnt
5. You only get one set of parents
6. You’ll miss them when they’re gone, trust me
7. At least you have 1 decent parent
8. Of course they’re not perfect, you have too high expectations – go easy on them
9. Considering their past, they did their best
10. Look at what they did for you, kept you fed, and watered
11. You’re meant to honour them, the Bible says so.
12. You have to learn to forgive them
13. One day you’ll realise they were right all along (isnt that what they say about Dads?)
14. You’ll grow up and accept them as you get older.
15. Is it fair for your children to miss out on their grandparents?

Can you see how harmful some of these comments are? Ive received nearly all of them over the course of the 43 years of responding and trying to deal with my parents.

Some of these reflect how the person has been manipulated by the parents already (3), some of them reflect how that person might feel about their parents (6) others reflect a moral/spiritual imperative (11,12) that then requires some unpacking to not take on that shame and guilt.

Some of them seem to want to blame the child – that somehow they are responsible for their parents (8)

And some reflect that being grateful means that parents fulfilled a legal requirement , to be fed, watered and have somewhere to sleep (2, 10)

And obviously, the way I grew up and became who I am has something to do with them. (1) Gees, thanks for that one, they stole enough without that credit. What if children raised by narcissist parents got somewhere..despite them? not because of them. Yeah. Exactly. Because that’s the only way, or its a pile of self destruction and torment, or both.

It could be easy to say 9. But then again, thats like saying that every action they took for an entire parenthood can be attributed to their own childhood. And not everyone who grew up a baby boomer, or had a difficult childhood, or even an entitled one, is necessarily a bad parent. Some do the work. Some take responsibility.

For 7, see here.

And for number 5. Yes, you’re right… but your point is?

and 15… difficult one, but protecting them from harm is more important than toxicity and gifts.. isnt it?

Lets deal with number 6. Are you sure about that? Actually really sure? – didnt think so…

So maybe, if you have good parents, maybe if you’ve got amazing parents, maybe if your parent is your best friend, then do have a think about the effect of the well meaning saying on someone who really doesn’t have that kind of relationship with a parent. Someone, who maybe has had to do alot of work to create their own safe distance from their parents. Someone who has had to undergo the emotional torment of parent stuff for a very long time.

And that leads me on to number 14. This one is the only possible true one. Because growing up does happen, seeing them, even clearer does happen, accepting them does happen too, as does accepting that they are unlikely to change, they get worse (as Nina Brown describes) , and accepting and spending time with them are two vastly different things.

So from someone who has struggled alot with their parents, and heard many if not all of these things and more about what I’m expected to do, or feel about my parents, i thought I would write a few of these sayings down, because they are so common, so often said, and just want to say that you dont have to accept your parents, or like them, or put yourself in a place where they do not respect you. You are valuable, and can create situations to protect yourself from them.

And, sometimes its about biting your tongue, or giving that look to anyone who gives you the gift of the well meaning, but harmful phrase like above.

This piece was inspired by this one from Peg Streep ; 8 things not to say from someone estranged from a parent in it she writes the following about children who have to protect themselves from their parents, effectively estranging them and blocking them. I like what she says in response to my number 11 :

The taboo has the back-up of a Biblical Commandment which enjoins us to honor our mothers and fathers as well as deeply-held ideas about filial obligation and the never-ending gratitude we are supposed to feel for those who put us on the planet or took us in; who fed, clothed, sheltered, and educated us; and paid for all of those things. Since those happen to be legal requirements, it’s actually not snarky to note that if that were all that is required of a parent, an orphanage would be an ideal one.

Even though recent psychological research substantiates that the decision by the adult child to estrange from family is long thought-out and a process that may include periods of attempted reconciliation by the adult child, the culture still frames it as a fit of pique or anger and a sign of immaturity. In researching my books—over a decade now—I have found the decision to estrange as is almost always deeply thought through, worried about, and revisited in the thousands of people I have heard from over the years; these stories echo my own.

If you want to read more on this subject then I do recommend the books in the self-help resources section of this site, especially Nina Brown and Lindsay Gibsons, and also, in the process of seeing, realising, and loving yourself through the challenges of emotionally abusive parents, do seek out professional therapy to help you to reconstruct, and rebuild through it.

Feel free to share and like this piece to help others. Thank you