If you’re like me and have spent a lot of your life reading or watching politics, you may know about the phrase ‘hyper-normalisation’ . I dont know who coined it, but its spoken of in depth in Adam Curtis’ brilliant documentary here. The key part in which he speaks of it, is when the people of Russia dying of poverty are living a very different life to that of which is portrayed on their TV screens, and they accept it as ‘normal’. Imagine A Boris Christmas party being live broadcasted last year. Curtis’ documentary is long, but worth it.
Anyway, this blog isn’t about politics. Its about Normality.
I have found it fascinating, that over the course of the last few years, especially, as I have shared my story, incidents, events and situations of my childhood and then more recent times involving my parents, I sometimes get the reaction ; ‘That isn’t normal behaviour’ , then followed with… ‘ its shocking/abusive/disturbing/manipulative’
It isnt normal behaviour.
But then, like Boris world, and his accompanying anger – growing up in ‘non normal’ world, is about navigating it for safety reasons – showing pretend acceptance that doesnt rock the boat, hiding and all the other things. But its one of the weirdest things to write about, is that those who create a delusional reality, that isnt ‘normal’ (but normal to them) – based on entitlement, ego, woundedness, self absorption, narcissism etc – then expect that this normal is adhered to by others.
Sounds sort of cult like. Sounds pretty psychopathic too.
But what about me, what about any of us caught in the whirlwind of delusion, of a person chucking out death traps all the time?
One form of ‘normal’ they create is the one that you are forced to accept – their world.
There is another one too.
Theres the ‘Everything is normal’ that they determine.
They do a weird thing.
Imagine for a moment that you have no capacity to show remorse, shame or guilt – can you imagine that?
So now, consider how you react after someone has called you out for your crime?
Remember you cannot feel shame, guilt or remorse (and secretly you enjoyed the party, or crime)
Of course, not only do you have selective amnesia about it, deny it, or blame others for it (taking no responsibility) … and hope to get away with it..again and again… but then what…
Yes, you guessed it. They carry on as normal.
As if nothing happened.
Making no attempt to do any work in the relationship, because..they dont do anything wrong..remember?
Thats one of the crazy bewildering patterns of the abusive ones. Sometimes it even is accompanied by ‘playing the victim’ and being hurt that they got found out. On other occasions it may be said that ‘everyone just needs to move on and forget about it’ or ‘you cant get over what I did, I said sorry’ – putting the responsibility on someone else again, and they create a new normal, their normal.
Its bewildering isnt it? And thats why growing up in an emotionally abusive home, delusions become normalised.
And everyone else goes – that really isnt normal, or thats not the way to deal with hurt or pain..
But negotiation or conversation about the abuse never happens.
It’s normalised. Its not even viewed in that way. Its ignored.
Because a person who cant feel, cant accept that others might feel too.
Everyone else is emotional and cant get over it.
Most normal people recognise when they cause pain.
Some normal people might apologise
Some might have to face consequences.
Others live in a reality in which none of these exist.
Where everyone else is expected to see normal in the way they do.
As a child, its only possible to navigate through the delusion with safety, and escape on the mind.
But that delusional reality, and the trauma created as a result of it..affects..
Every time I accepted normal as abusive I denied myself, though that core was hurting badly.
Surviving Psychopathic parenting was about navigating the delusional normality and the price that I and everyone else paid for it.
And then what happens when you stop…
And realise that I deserve better, and able to stand up for myself.
See the delusional world, highlight others to it, and stay out.
James Ballantyne 
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