‘We’re free from the death camps – but we must also be free to – free to create, to make a life, to choose. And until we find our freedom to, we’re just spinning around in the same endless darkness’
Edith Eğer ( The Choice)
I get this.
Time plays havoc on the possibility of something new
Moreover, accurately, trauma plays havoc with time.
Its like it wants to pull you back to that thing – because in the present there’s a reminder of it, sometimes this is certain, other times is unintentional. It was almost likely that I would find something resonating in Ediths book about surviving a death camp, but in a way I was ready for it.
Other times the moment hits you when you least expect it.
I think thats why when I write about my life, and write blogs theres not always a simple thread. Some im revealing the hurts, some I’m revealing myself, some are about the process of rebuilding, some are about the methods, some are about a future as yet unknown, full of possibility.
Sometimes its about realising that I have a choice to, a choice to spin in there endless darkness – and how does that balance with writing about a story, reflecting and learning so that it might do the same for others?
But what about freedom?
What freedom is there, after trauma?
Well, there is every freedom, isnt there? Maybe theres even more on days when we feel like we’ve conquered monsters – revealed them – on other days its feels like a fog in which the future that has never been certain, still is.
What about the freedom to choose to forgive?
The freedom to choose to share our story?
The freedom to live, in a quiet place and be away from everyone?
The freedom to hide?
The freedom to choose to do life in the way we want to? Given the contrast between the abusive control that had held it so far?
The freedom to choose not to fix someone else – instead of focussing on myself
The freedom to feel my own emotions
The freedom to not people please
The freedom to walk out the door
The freedom to have a safe house
The freedom to construct boundaries
The freedom to be able to make decisions
The freedom to not know
The freedom to be the didn’t think it was possible me
The freedom to choose
The freedom to smile
The freedom to have fun
The freedom to rediscover myself
The freedom to see the spinning, and step off the roller coaster
and as Edith says:
The freedom to have life
for the first time
Maybe theres no point being free, if you don’t know what to do with it – the temptation as Edith shares is that for so many freedom is terrifying and it was easier for some prisoners of war to stay within the prison walls, those who want to keep you captive make it so hard for you to want to experience freedom, or to have the confidence or self belief too.
Edith also writes ; ‘When you have something to prove, you aren’t free’
let that sink in a moment…
And thats it isnt it, in places of abuse and torture , you dont know where you stand, playing guessing games on a hot bed of eggshells, always trying to prove, please, or appease.
I spent far too long in my life trying to meet invisible expectations to people who were never satisfied, grateful or happy… or staying in situations of abuse just to prove them wrong. How shit is that? But that was my first 40 years of life.
So, once we feel the freedom, of the breeze on our faces, the water on our feet, the freedom to start again, the freedom that feels light and fun, even to choose how to spend the small amounts of money that we might be left with, its still freedom.. its about continuing to walk in the direction of freedom, in the direction of opportunity, in the direction of life.
James Ballantyne 
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