Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 23) Growing up Emotionally Alone

We are all together alone, and these are just wishes, and I am just dreaming

Perfect Place, Voice of the Beehive 1991

That was one of my favourite songs as a young teenager. I still have the cassette tape.

Something clearly resonated.

A song that said something about being together, and alone.

Thats what my family was like.

We are all together, alone.

Growing up alone.

Thats what I had to do.

People dont spend time with you in your family home when your Mother is a monster.

People stay away.

There are rare family get togethers, where everyone treads the same ongoing eggshells. Waiting for the landmines to be walked on.

And when you do spend time with people – as soon as they leave the house

Monster mother invalidates them.

‘They’re only here to sell something’ or ‘They should make more effort to see us’ or as they leave, after an argument, an abrupt ending – then they never come back.

Then theres the role playing.

The Categories that everyone in the family is given and has to fit into. So and So is ‘always’ doing this, or ‘________ is such a bully’ or ‘do you think _______ will ever grow up?’ Roles of scapegoat, bully, favourite etc played out all around – that as a child I couldn’t see. But it meant there was little connection.

So people stay away.

But its not just the extended family who stay away.

Within the family – its wholly divided up.

Its the only way a monster maintains their power.

Dad cant be trusted, as he’s her helper and investigator – and sworn loyalty

Siblings hide too. They, she is as alone as I am.

And then that leaves me.

Growing up alone.

Finding family in the books, Charlies Family with a chocolate factor, Matildas School teacher, Dannys practical fun dad Dad with the sparkling eyes. Finding Family in other peoples families, the youth leaders and their foster children (and their own), finding family with other adults in the church. These were the safe people to have family with.

Friends weren’t safe, not all the time.

Unless a friend didnt want to come back to my house. Then it was ok.

‘Why doesnt ________ come back to the house?’ – err no, why should they? – I prefer being at theirs being anywhere but here She would play nice with them in person – like the Birthday parties from when I was 8, or when id here ‘Your mum isnt as bad as you say she is’ – nope – thats because in that hour she kind of put on a false mask.

So, in the end, I avoided having friends, close friends too. It was kind of a safety mechanism, for me, and for them. Id have friends that we would do school together or where they didnt mind me going to their house, their park/community etc. But id learnt very quickly that the only way to be safe was to keep these people away, keep secrets.

I have been describing this series as surviving psychopathic parenting, and I think after 23 parts to it, you have been able to tell what its like, and, piecing together all the parts, will create a picture, do look up the menu above for parts 1-22.

It is growing up alone.

And strangely, also, growing up in a false type of alone as no one actually realises or can comprehend that you are alone. ‘But you have both parents’ or those few moments of ‘being family’ and everyone is together. There is no happiness or joy in any family photos. Nothing. Hiding behind the surface of what ‘looks’ like a normal, nuclear, are people, victims of abuse, children, who are utterly alone.

The double whammy of not being able to describe it, but feeling that constant ache, that constant emptiness of being completely utterly emotionally alone.

Emotionally self dependant. Had to rely on whatever I knew of myself.

It’s so multilayered, that even now its hard to describe. How a monster in one family divides everyone up, how they offer nothing but neglect, how they project behaviours, how they make accusations, so that you recoil, how they play victim when threatened, how they dominate, so that in reality, everyone feels alone – no one can trust anyone, the rumours go all around…

I mean: How on earth can a child describe emotional aloneness that pervades everything? – when it looks like the ‘family’ is together.

If this ring true for you, in a domestic abuse relationship, with either partner or parents do seek help, and if this provokes thoughts that you would want to investigate further, do look up the resources on the menu page above.