Naming my Shame

I think I’m being abused

I said

Tentatively

Because, I was scared to say it out loud

Because, I didn’t want to admit it

Because, I thought I’d be responsible for the abuse

Because, it was always my fault

Because, i couldn’t be abused, I’m male

I think I’m being abused

Is that a possibility?

Yes. I think you are – said my friend

How do you know?

You’re being used, and lied to

And you’re doing all the effort

But I always have

Accepting accusations that felt somehow incorrect

Made to feel wrong, for doing nearly everything good

Feeling always guilty or in trouble

The shame of not being able to fix something I felt responsible for

When the only person changing or holding responsibility was me

Feeling responsible for the abuse my abuser chose to do

Feeling powerless and trapped

Accepting the abuse because somehow I was responsible for it

If it’s nothing to do with you, it’s everything to do with me.

I’m meant to be the strong one

I’m meant to deal with things

I’m starting to see what was happening

I think I’m being abused

I think that’s what’s happened to me my whole life

I’m in clear air

I can breathe

But I had to start by saying it

Naming it

Making the unconscious, conscious

Tentatively

Even if others could see, I had to see it myself

Slower to recognise what was happening to me, easy to see it others

Your fish tank is dirty, as I was swimming through algae

I think I can change

I want to

I want life

I want to stay in clean air

Breathing isnt a luxury

Holding onto shame for so long, the shame of being abused.

I needed help

I needed to see

I needed to name the shame.