Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 25) – Deciphering Emotional Abuse by Email

They know that they aren’t liked

They know that they need to use other people to get people to do things for them

They know that they cant take responsibility

They know that when they write to you

So, they write with only wanting to win or get something from you in mind.

Therefore:

What does this mean for the abusive, emotionally immature parent and how they communicate? – especially when its in writing – via email or text?

Well, thats when it gets weird.

They cant hide, what Gary Zukav describes as their split consciousness or personalities – in fact its often the place where it is most revealed.

they cant get away with more verbally as it spews out so quickly – but in writing….

These are just some of the examples of weirdness in emails I have received in the last 20 odd years.

1. The Formal. Their professional life is when they feel ‘safe’ or accepted – so they revert to using only professional language within their family communications. A formal note to let you know that ‘the Professor ______ (Mum or Dad to you) is moving jobs and is inviting you to a service of celebration’ or a formal text directing you to do something – that sounds as if your boss wrote it, not a parent. Its dissociation from any attachment to parental role. Writing to you in the third person. They know they’ve been awful at it so they are avoiding it.
2. The Confused tense. Its like an email that was written by 4 separate people but was only written by one of them. It could start with ‘your mother’ then ‘I’ is as in their professional role (again), then theres a ‘Mum’ at the end, and a PS referring to ‘Your Dad’ it could be all over the place in terms of who is writing it. They could throw in a few first names in their too.
3. Hide and Seek. This is when the abusive one gets the other parent to write the email, because you haven’t responded for the 3rd/4th/5th time to theirs. But – there will be clues that its not really the other parent that has written it. And if it is, it will have had to go through the abusive parent screening process – or been written together. Remember when Ivanka Trump wrote that formal statement/email one time… – who do you think wrote it… exactly. Often the negotiator parent is the other parent, actual abuser hides away.
4. Find the sympathy ; This is when the abusive parent uses the other one to cause you to feel guilty. They do this because they know that they cant illicit any sympathy from you about them, even though they try. So its like dad writing; ‘ Your mother was very upset when…. ‘ or mum writing; ‘ Dad was angry when ….’ They willl rarely say ‘I was upset when’ if they have to have control of the communication, but know that they cant illicit the sympathy, so they use someone else.
5. The Contradictions: Each communication is a contradiction. There will be one thing they want from it – and this is usually embedded in a whole load of extraneous confusing manipulative rubbish, or where the title and content of the email make absolutely no coherance whatsoever.
6. The Giveaway. Somewhere in the communication, they will give away something that they feel gives them the upper hand, to make you threatened. So they’ll say something like ‘ Hows the new job going?’ – when you know you haven’t told them – but they’ve got the information from somewhere, someone, or by stalking you on social media.. they give it away, because they want you to stew over how they know. They might giveaway a whole host of other things, theres usually one or two in there. Like I say, they leave a trail….
7. The Trigger. They love this. As Lindsay Gibson writes, they will use Guilt, shame, fear or duty to try and get you to do what they want you to do (Gibson 2019) . (you just have to work out which it is) – Some where there is a trigger in it of one of these. Another trigger cause be some like their give away, or just some thing that causes you to respond as in a trauma state – fight, flight, fawn, freeze etc, they do it deliberately. Why? – because they want a response, any response is attention, any angry response and they have won. They just want to win.
8. Triangulation tactics: Watch for all the items where they want information from you about other people – because those other people aren’t giving them information – and dont be their mole. Also – watch for all the times where they want to be the beholders of information and control by swirling drama – like sharing news about a family members illness – only to when you get this checked out with someone else it wasnt anything like as bad as it was. They were just using it to make themselves look like they were concerned and to have some communication. I used to get ‘ ______ is really ill at the moment we think she might be on their last few days, but dont worry about coming to visit’ – What does this reveal? exactly – and when I could spot it… The person wasnt as ill, and then I got the information from better sources.
9. Old Memories. Theres a reason why that parent might refer you back to a time when ‘things were rosy’ and ‘how much your parents loved you’ or ‘those happy holidays in 1972’ – because…. they might well have been the happiest time for them, in regard to you – it was a time when you hadn’t worked them out yet (you were only 7) or had only just met them in the family (you just got engaged to them, if it was your ex or their parents) – the past is littered with memories that they had of you – but you probably didn’t share – or their was so many other memories that could also be had that even on the same holiday others didnt share. they might have had a great time in 1972 – but its unlikely anyone else on the same holiday did. They take you back – to see if they can ‘win’ by appealing to a time…
10. Emotional Projection. Its a bit like the formal writing of number 1, but slightly more subtle. Its more like you are their emotional dump ground where they want to tell you everything about them, their pains, ailments (sympathy), how ___ treated them (playing victim) , the price of petrol, money worries (shared pain – I want your empathy) , a struggle to overcome (be proud of me) , I did a thing (look at me) , Im about to do a thing please come and see me do a thing (look at me, they love showing off by the way) , complaints about so and so in the family (are you on my side?) , look at them being all such and such (but dont look at my faults and weaknesses) – they’re pulling you into their drama.
11. Watch for their (fake) concern. In amongst all of 1-10 – they might also give you this. A tiny little line in which they show some concern for you – its like the hamster trying to exist in a cage of snakes, the chocolate square in a lemon soup. Everything else is sour, sharp and dangerous – yet theres a tiny shred of something in amongst it to pull at a different bit of heartstrings. Those heart strings that have raged, numbed, been shredded by the other 90% of it – this is the bit that tempts you to go ; ‘ but they’re not that bad, look at least they’re trying’ – yeah – that hamster has got no change. Its not like a candle in the darkness, bearing warmth to everything else. Its a tantalising piece of concern chocolate in a soup of thick lemon, bitter, and out of place and context. A trap.
12. The Pained Ask: If they want to get you to fix their fence – they will find a way of guilting you into it – if they want just a reply- they will find a way. What they rarely do though is just ask the question. They won’t say ‘ Could you pop around and fix the fence please’ they’re more likely to say ‘Your Mother and I require your assistance to fix the fence’ (formal) or ‘Can you believe the fence fell down again and the dog escaped, next door went mad when she dug their roses, and she’ll do it again if you cant come around’ – their ask is embedded in so much other stuff…because they want to make it hard for you to say no. They think you’re more likely to care about the neighbours roses than them. Speed is a tactic of the emotionally immature – they want you to jump when they say.
13. The lies and often the Bullshit. Almost everyone from an abusive, self-absorbed, narcissistic psychopathic parent will be lies. Treat it as such, its their life script – to win at every interaction and do everything to do so – they generally do not care how. Get everything checked out if you can. They are likely to make stuff up or have no regard for truth at all – just to get a response.

Because of all of this, the lack of coherance, the ‘WTF’ reactions, the contradictions and manipulative asking – as a combination (and some emails can include all of this) – they convey nothing like what a ‘decent’ parent might actually communicate. But, most of the time, its been what you have been used to for your entire life, the weirdness thats so hard to explain, and only when someone else reads it do they provide you with clarity and validation of their abusiveness. What they often dont want to do is be completely threatening, offensive and – so what they look to do, is be just on the line, and make it look as though its a polite nice email – when actually it so loaded its nothing other than a continuation of fear, guilt and control tactics.

What to do when they get in touch? – look for all the clues – breathe and step away. You don’t need to respond, it doesn’t matter what the urgency is they exclaim – often they can find someone else- but are hoping you are still under their spell.

What do I learn from all of this – that from an early age – I become a studier of persons and interested in psychology.

Often its the emails that a hidden away, we lock them in a terror box, in the spam folder, read once and never to see the light of day, (and no I haven’t just received one) – I rarely hear discussed is email communication by abusive parents/people – and so I thought I would bring some of these weird tactics to the light.

For more on dealing with Emotionally Immature parents I strongly recommend Lindsay Gibsons books, or Nina Browns – both have excellent guidance, checklists, examples and give so many good tips on dealing with narcissistic parents. (I have put links in the resources page above)

Thank you for reading and being part of this journey as I have shared chapters and sections of my story of surviving abusive parenting – all the sections are in the menu above.

What are the weird things that you’re abusive/narcissistic parents write to you?

(before you blocked them or put them in their place)