Hiding behind Okay

Hey again, its you

and me

having a chat again this evening

How are you doing?

fine?

Thats what I used to say,

Fine,

I’m ok,

I’m doing OK,

Thats what I used to say.

And if someone asked me in that slow, actually listening voice, I’d say something like;

‘Yeah, I’m OK’

Why?

Why did I do that?

Why do I still do that?

Do you do that?

I am doing OK

When sometimes I am doing nothing at all

When sometimes I am doing nothing at all that I like doing

When sometimes its just a pitiful voice saying Im Ok – but I don’t believe myself when I’m doing it

Because Im not ok, or I wasn’t ok.

I was just hiding and pretending

It was more than that though.

It was being the strong one, being the one who dealt with other peoples problems

When mine were deep, unknown to myself even, and in the ‘DONT GO THERE’ category.

JUST DONT GO THERE.

Its more than that too.

I didn’t want to burden you with my problems.

I didnt want to have to need you

I didnt want to be vulnerable

I didnt want to not be the ‘Emotional strong one’

I didnt feel safe – that you might listen

I didnt want to open up that dark cupboard door, in which everything was hidden.

I DIDNT WANT TO SAY THAT I WASNT OK

Hide Everything – behind OK.

Why… because of this:

So, how might you respond to ‘How are you?’ this evening?

Whats the real answer?

Its ok that its the real answer

Just take a moment to listen to that real answer.

Not the answer of your mind, not the answer you think I want to hear – the answer of the still small voice inside.

Not the critic one, the heart one.

The heart voice.

How is your heart this evening?

Broken, Weary, Alive, loved, peaceful, happy? A mixture of all of these – quite possibly

Is your heart breathing?

What colour does it feel to be?

Bright red? light grey? purple or Orange? Yellow, green or blue

Listen, feel

Its ok to feel the fucking feelings

Let them out, tears might be the feelings trying to flood their way out

they might be.

Dont say you dont have time for them. They’ll find a way one day.

They won’t do you any harm.

Its you, your feelings.

Part of beautiful you is the emotions.

Took me a while to be safe to share mine, and still it can be a struggle. Im used to hiding them and dissociating from them, you might be different.

Maybe get a pen, or kids crayon and draw out the feelings, choose the most appropriate colour and make a mess on the page.

I dont even care if you start by getting angry at me as you read this, Im a sanctimonious blogger who’se just discovered emotions and now writing in the 4th wall to try and be trendy. So Hate me. Start there, fine by me, make it Red, hold the crayon tight and get mad.

Good.

Let it out.

Make it a messy blob, or a poem of expression. Tell it as it is. For no audience.

Then throw it away, or sell it for a million pounds. Its up to you.

It didnt have to be anger by the way. Draw daisies and butterflies if thats how you’re feeling.

Sometimes the good gets ignored doesnt it

Its time for me to go now

But I just wanted to check in with you again, Im busy tomorrow so I wont be around.

Im glad we talked again, thank you for sharing with yourself.

Did you notice?

How do you feel now?

After it came out?

Write that down too, and now go and get a cup of tea, like I have

Sleep well

Bye for now

Beautiful human.

See you next time,

James