The Powerful Blog I Didnt Write.

Last night I was planning to write something. I also thought I might do some reading too, the latter being one of my favourite evening activities, put the music on, light the wax candles, pick up a book and sit and read

But I was just weirdly unsettled.

Oh, and the other thing, is that since early October I have been without my laptop to do this kind of writing. I have written quite a bit in my personal journals, free writing, sometimes crayon scrawling and inner James work, but not this kind, the blog writing stuff. What this has done in a month is store up in my mind a number of themes, ideas, pictures that I may want to write about, they are stored, I thought one would download fairly successfully into one yesterday.

But it didnt.

I tried picking up all the books I’ve read in the last 6 weeks and before, where the corners are folded, the pages and phrases that have inspired. I even checked my drafts folder. Ive read some wonderful books in the last 6 weeks too, Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth and Oneness with all of life, Matt Haigs How to stop Time, The Pilgrimage by Paulo Coelho and Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly. All wonderful books. Loved them all.

But Nothing. Nothing Downloaded.

Nothing felt like it was flowing from the mind, to the fingers.

And I got frustrated.

I felt like I wasted an evening

I was annoyed at myself.

I wasn’t productive.

I shouldn’t have felt that way, I was trying to do something, but felt unsettled. There wasn’t clarity or flow.

How did I react to my self imposed circumstance. Annoyed. Frustrated.

I had self expectations.

I ended up with self learning.

I stopped.

I was critical of myself and gave myself a beating up, over something that was of my own choice.

I tend to do this often.

Beat myself up.

Think of myself as not good enough.

Think of myself as not as creative, imaginative, talented as others.

The critical shell on my outside can turn inwards.

The over thinking mind that over dwells.

Then I felt something else….. Shame.

I felt ashamed that I felt annoyed at myself. Shame.

Embarrassed that I felt this way.

Shame made me feel small and useless temporarily for not being attentive to myself. Shame took me to the hiding place.

Even in the smallest of moments, shame attaches itself to those feelings. Not careful and I’m in a swirl.

I shouldn’t feel this way, I should be better than this, I should….

‘Should’ Shame.

So.

I Stopped.

This was my evening for 90 minutes yesterday.

Ive noticed this recently. The Shame Cycle. Actually maybe its not a cycle, more like shame is like a leech to feelings, attaching itself to them.

At this point, I could easily drown or get drawn into over thinking, self criticism, self blaming and feeling pretty low.

So what did I do?

I remembered – who I am

I noticed – my feelings of frustration, and stepped to one side of them

I breathed.

I remembered something else too.

The True Anti-dote to Shame is Self-compassion

Sneezy/Ziskind (eds) 2013 IFS – New Dimensions

It was at this moment that my wife Christelle joined me on a zoom call. I told her about my feelings of frustration, and feeling ‘not very productive’ . She also reminded me that I had been very productive, and that it was ok for me to rest, to do nothing. To sit. To just be.

Sometimes it takes someone else to help us remember.

As someone so self-critical, from my history of self blame, over responsibility and any kind of support – Self compassion is significantly difficult. Especially as I also hear the self voices that disbelieve in it, that write it off, the voices that are scared of it, its as if shame can have an internal voice that’s screaming because it knows that its about to be listened to, cared for and have warmth applied to it.

It hates that by the way.

Self love wins.

On our Honeymoon in Santa Barbara, Christelle and I went to an amazing bookstore (twice) – Paradise Found In it I could easily have spent far too much on books, and I was probably only restricted by my luggage allowance… The one book I bought was this one:

I am going to write about the different types of responses I have had the self help books.

Safe to say this one has been like a warm snuggly blanket from the beginning. I have felt safe reading it, and its softened my heart to discover a path of self compassion, for myself. I began a few weeks ago to write down privately a journal of self compassion, and where this path was going to take me, what I need to have self compassion and warmth for.

It is as if every day I get the opportunity to practice. Even when it comes to ‘just writing a blog’ .

Let me close with some words adapted from the book, that were appropriate to me yesterday.

May I have compassion on myself, for being self critical

May I have compassion on the feelings that I have

May I have compassion on myself, breathing in love, like oxygen from the air, and feel that breath flow through my body

May I have compassion on my wounded heart

May I have compassion on my overactive mind

May I give myself grace

May I be a best friend to myself and to this present moment.

May I tend to my shame feelings with warmth and gentleness

May I have compassion on myself

My words, adapted from HeartWork – The Path of Self Compassion (Radhule Weininger)

In that moment of slow. Not Self beating, but self healing and compassion. Restoring my heart and soul to its core truth, feeling and loving myself, one breath at a time. I can make a choice to love, and love myself. Shame loosens its grip, peace and love flow.

Sometimes life gives the opportunity to practice, immediately. The opportunity to note the feelings that naturally arise, and respond with self loving care.

Last night I got frustrated with myself, and it was ok.

It gave me an opportunity to show myself love and compassion.

I learned something far more powerful instead.