I think I am, therefore I am.

I think I am, therefore I am.

I was ‘playing’ this around in my mind the other day, and I started writing, just to myself.

I often write on paper, even with pencil, just to get thoughts out, to see where they flow to.

Free writing with a conceptual starting point if you will.

And I began to construct that what ‘I think’ and who ‘I am’ have been on a journey.

It could be ‘my ego’ and ‘my identity’ but I prefer to use ‘I think’ and ‘I am’ . I dont mean the ‘I am’ that self talks back the lies.. like ‘I am fat’ or ‘I am stupid’ .. I mean the ‘I am’ identity. The bit of me, the bit of you that is who you are.

So here goes…

I am, and I think are on a journey.

Its one where ‘I think’ has led the way, I think.

Historically.

Led like a shiny steam engine.

‘I am’ has been just been pulled along for the ride,

a set of carriages with passengers, scared inside.

or going to the depot, after a fraught ride.

I think, taking them away.

I am, passive.

At least thats how it was- I think

I think, shiny at the front, shiny and bright, brass cleaned,

numbered, fed, water and polished

The Steam engine, attracting the polaroids and DSLRs, and notebooks.

I think.. leading the way

I think.. wanting the attention

I think…racing away

I think..in control

I think…believing the hype

I think..denying it needed anything

I think…lies to get all this

I am.. just a powerless carriage trailing behind

hosting passengers, hosting scenes, hospitality

Trying to please, making the best of chaos.

Making the best of disconnection between I think, and I am.

I am, pulled along and subject to the conditions of I think

I am, second or third class, no power, just a shell.

I think broke down.

I think realised the race it was on, was to a finish line that never ended

I think had gone too far, alone

I think was never therefore I am

I am wants more control of the action

I am is feeling its way

I am has been waiting, patiently

Watching the chaos, overcoming the scares

Hiding, now seizing the chance, the opportunity

Realising that I think is in trouble.

I think and I am not separate.

I am with a voice on the journey

I am letting I think know differently

Its now a different journey, with I am the driver.

I am has discovered, that it is

I am has emerged from the shadows, the sidings

I am can see the lies, pride and attention

The temptations and weaknesses that tormented I think

I am…. just knows

I am..is softer, messier, truer

Human, grease, smoke, heart and skin

its not a carriage to the engine

Alive.

I am now sees the whole Train

I am can see when I think plunges into darkness

or tries to race to destinations, frustrated or impatient, or critical of the passengers for being slow, or ignoring the signals.

I am can let I think know that it is loved.

I am is the driver, who knows what I think actually needs.

The brake. the coal, the water

And rest.

Attention from the inside of the boiler. Not just the outside.

The driver knows.

I am.

I think wrestled at first and tried to do without I am.

I feel intervenes now and then, the guard with the warning flags, messages from the back. I think knows its place..some of the time.

I think used to completely ignore I feel. Disregarded at the back of the carriage.

Guard in name only.

I am takes more of the wheel

I think can rest, its not on his own.

It doesn’t have to hurry or win.

I think trusts I am.

I think surrenders, to the I am that drives, attends and controls, to the I am that feels and knows. To the I am that discovered itself, found its place and realises it has to stay.

I am helps I think to doubt the lies it had to believe, and those it chose to

I am can help I think to realise the importance of I feel.. the guard

I am can speak softly to I think, and listen to what it needs and wants to say.

Because I am is connected to all.

I am knows. I am is.

I am is the divine within.

I think I am, therefore I am.

Maybe this is helpful just to me, as I realise the journey that I have been on, one from which was dominated by my thoughts, my thinking part of me, and how every other part of me was hidden and disregarded, for reasons ive described in my story above. And now I feel, that I am, and I think is still around, but the journey, just feels and is different.

What about you – what metaphor might you use for how your thoughts, feelings and identity have culminated in your life?