Lets face it, its far easier to put our complaints out in the open and enjoy the attention it receives. Playing victim can be an art form.
The weather. What ‘someone else did’. Blame ‘The Man’. The System.
A gloomy view of day to day life is notionally the norm. Often at bus stops. Train stations. Whenever there’s a group of people waiting. Or chatting in a cafe. Or at the end of church. Maybe its not a British thing. (Do let me know if you’re not in Britain reading this) Its the easy default culture to notice the bad, and to keep a memory of it.
If you’ve been reading my work before you will know that I have been processing and trying to understand myself through a lifetime of psychological games, and childhood abuse. This has been undoubtedly challenging and will I know be a constant long term thing. Accepting the ‘bad’ is one thing, a hard thing.
But it may be as difficult to accept the good.
It might be ‘just the accepted British way’ to say
‘It was nothing’…. when you’ve helped someone as their shopping fell out of the bag in Tescos car park and they said thank you and offered a gift.
or
‘Its just my job to do this’ ….after doing well in a presentation at work
or
‘Everyone else was having a bad day’ – when you’ve just won a competition
or
What about not actually believing someone when they tell you that you are loved, special, unique, beautiful or valued?
What is our reaction to hearing this from someone?
Is it dismissed as ‘being soft’, or ‘yeah yeah’ or not accepted?
It can be so difficult to admit that it’s actually difficult to accept being seen, being loved, being appreciated and praised. Why?
Because.. for some of us, maybe more of us than we’d like to admit, Praise was used to control and manipulate us… a form of breadcrumbs
Praise with strings.
Not just at home… church too….
It may even be that in some churches ‘praising God’ might be a similar transaction.. if I praise ..will this give me something I want..?
Pride cometh before a Fall.
Guess who heard this, in church and over and over and over again at home. This was a great reason not to praise or note someones gifts or strengths. What was interesting for me, was that I barely heard praise growing up (except from teachers or church leaders) and praise received was quickly belittled and quashed at home. ‘Dont want him getting big headed‘ ….
In another way though, every every christian denomination I have been in in the UK has some form of ‘Praising God’ for the good things in life, and ‘blaming the self’ for everything else. Its acceptance avoidance and also a denial of the person to be able to have some part in an action. God neednt have all the glory, or he can also have some of the responsibility for the failing things… or when churches close.. for example.
When ‘love’ , ‘gifts’ and ‘compliments’ have been weaponised and been tools for manipulation in our childhoods, and they were for me, I can tell how I learned to dismiss the need for them. Stoical survival: dismissing recognition of praise. I can recall those moments where I couldn’t accept a compliment for winning a race, or a piece of work.
It’s fascinating also though that in ‘Courage to be Disliked’, Kishimi and Koga write about how gratitude is different to praise. Stating
When we praise or rebuke others, the only difference is the carrot or the stick, yet the background is manipulation..
If receiving praise is what someone is after, then it is only right that they adapt to that other persons yardstick.. and put the brakes on the persons own freedom..
Kishimi, Koga, The Courage to be Disliked.
This is interesting in relation to praise and compliments, and accepting the good, praise might be unhealthy, but as children its something that (like punishments too) controlled us, and affected us and our acceptance of compliments, gratitude and affection ever since.
Because of its source.. it couldn’t be trusted. It wasnt safe.
But, that was then, this is the now. Isn’t it? (yes this takes a long time to accept too)
In what way has that conditioning still got a hold on us?
Might it be time to be a friend to yourself, to myself, and let go
The refusal to accept what’s a positive about yourself is a burden. Why go on carrying it?
Why deny ourselves the acceptance and appreciation of the beauty of the lotus (or the rose) and only focus on the mud?
Padraig O’Morain
Practically in his book ‘Acceptance’ Padraig O’Morian writes about how to listen, but then respond the the self-criticism voice inside of us.. the one that can constantly self sabotage and attack, suggesting that when the voice tries to launch into full scale attack.. ‘switch your attention from it and towards your breathing or something else, look out of the window, or focus on the movement of your feet, ‘gradually let the self attacking deflate of its own accord’ .
Because….Its perfectly healthy to accept ourselves and the good things, creative, loving, kind, achieving, wise things about ourselves. It maybe just takes a while to realise this. But it is healthy. It is. .
Its been a survival mechanism for those of us who have been on the receiving end of psychological (or spiritual) games in which acceptance of our good self has been weaponised. We masked not needing it, survived without it. What might happen if there were cracks and love came in?
It isn’t idealistic or dreamy to see the positive in a situation, even if you can see it long before someone else can, but how might I do this for the situations I am in, and not just for other people. We dont need to focus on the negative.
Acceptance of who we are , how we think, where we get energy, how we contribute in teams, in relationships is key. My recent video was on accepting my introversion, but there’s gifts in the extroverts too (yes really ;-)
What might our day to day lives be like if we can learn to accept, learn to see, and learn to talk the good in ourselves, in others and also in the world around us? Maybe it takes courage to accept the good. Courage to love and receive love. Courage to accept love and positivity.
James Ballantyne 
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