I attended my first ‘religious’ service for quite a long time yesterday, I haven’t gone to ‘church’ for a long while, though I used to, weekly. But yesterday in my team meeting, as I work for the methodist church, we shared communion. A number of the team brought something to share, including songs, poems and prayers, and we used the Celtic Daily Prayer liturgy, including, because it was the 1st February the reflections of St Brigid. It was a genuine moving experience, because it felt as though we were all spiritually and theologically in a very similar place, it was gentle, provocative and deep, reflective and peaceful.

Yet in the context of my inner healing journey, two phrases stood out.

I make the cross of Christ upon my breast

over the tablet of my hard heart

and I beseech the living God of the Universe,

may the Light of lights come to my dark heart

so that I may live in the power of your love.

Celtic Daily Prayer, Vol 1

The phrase stood out, because, it was what I believed.

I believed my heart to be dark. To be hard.

I believed that my core was full of selfishness, hatred and impurity

I believed that

I believed that for far too long.

I believed it so that I needed a Saviour.

But let me be fair on this one. Maybe this liturgy was written at a time when heart just meant ‘everything inside’ , and not ‘heart’ full of emotions and feelings, distinct from the mind. Maybe it was written from ignorance of ‘heart’ and not deliberation. Maybe, it was written by the powerful, who might struggle to open up their heart, and felt like a modern day Pharaoh (who it was said closed his heart/God closed it so that Moses had to return many times to let the Israelite slaves free). Maybe the ‘heart’ was something at the time of writing was misunderstood, maybe heart feelings/emotions was seen genuinely as dark – can I include a witchcraft reference here, for 1600’s Britain was rife with ‘sensitives’ or women deemed as witches who ‘sensed’ things. So the ‘heart’ could be feared, but it’s almost talking about cleansing a dark one, not calming a fired up one. Im just pondering. And I love the northumbria community, and contemplative practice.

Yet the Evangelical christian faith I grew up with was full of the dark heart stuff…

‘Dont let my heart grow cold’

‘Purify my heart’ 

And I get that there might be different/newer understandings of the relationship between our minds and hearts, our feelings, emotions and thoughts. I’ll reference a few TED talks below and other references are in my resource library. This is one of the best, by Lisa Feldman 

There’s so many angles on this ‘dark heart narrative’ that I could reflect on, here are 4, briefly…

1. It lets our minds off scot free. Maybe the mind was seen as neutral, as dominant and unquestioned, the ‘heart’ can get the blame. The Heart may be hardened, and unable to feel, because the mind is making too much noise. It is the mind and its search for satisfaction for its thirsty ego that causes the most damage.
2. It causes us have less reverence for our inner workings and body. As many Spiritual people and mystic argue, spiritual awakening is through the body and not away from it (Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now), not outside of the body or in denial of it. It’s unlikely to produce wholeness and a fragmented/fractured sense of self and body.
3. It individualises the problem (if only I can get my hard heart to open/be more faithful/pray more/ do more church) rather than consider the external causes of these, and the body’s natural responses such in its need for self protection and survival. ‘It’s my cold/hard heart thats the problem, not the actual reality that ive been mistreated’ - an understanding of external stimuli/trauma here might be helpful.
4. Only God can save. Because my heart is so hard that there’s nothing in it to be able to love/care for myself… how does this marry up with being ‘wonderfully made in the image of God?’ Where is my heart then?
5. A heart is the source of emotions and feelings, which make us who we are, denying or hiding these is so so unhealthy.

There could be essays on all of these, and thats not for now.

My journey of healing, spiritually and emotionally has been a process of healing my inner self, including my body, and its wounded parts. Its been a journey in which, spiritually I have found the descriptions of the spiritual life, in Eckhart Tolle, Richard Rohr and John O Donohue to resonate deeply, and all take the body, the heart and the mind seriously and kindly in the process.

My heart wasn’t impure, dark or hard all along.

In fact, I needed my heart to be able to be self compassionate

I needed a heart to love, myself

I could love and care for myself

My heart just couldn’t feel

My heart had been stolen from

My heart had been broken

My heart had been wounded from birth

My heart had never been nurtured or protected, it had never been loved.

My heart had to be protected, sealed and enclosed – to protect myself

My heart wasn’t dark, it was there all along – being told that it was.

My heart could love and heal – as can yours

My heart just wanted to feel, to be healthy, to be part of me – just like yours does

My heart wanted safety to cry, feel and rage – just like yours

My heart was never dark.

It had had its flame squashed and buried

It was hiding underneath

It was screaming

It wasn’t ever dark – it was love all along.

It was me.

I had to begin the process of peeling gently back the layers and wounds, and I could only do that gently because of love and my heart. I had to learn to love my body, my heart and create safety for my feelings. Listening to my heart, listening to my core and what it needs. None of this would have been possible had I continued the pattern of believing I was broken and my heart was core to that brokenness.

May you be blessed with good friends

And you learn to be a good friend to yourself

Journeying to that place in your soul where

there is love, warmth and feeling

May this change you

John O Donohue, ‘For Friendship’; To Bless the space between us