I noticed something the other day, I thought id share it. 

But lets start at the beginning, well, 2018 to be precise, and I received the understanding of spirituality to be this quadrant

I rememeber as I first saw this at a Youthwork conference, and it explained at Spirituality had 4 quadrants. 

Some people find spirituality in the environment, in higher power, in the other, in themselves the lecturer said. 

I internally said to myself that ‘it didnt matter about me, because as long as im doing the other three, thats all that matters’ 

My internal voice was denying myself. Saying that I didnt matter. Saying that I wasnt… just actually wasnt. 

I was saying to myself that I didnt matter. 

What I noticed about myself then, and for the previous 40 years was that….

The I part of ‘me’ I noticed, was collapsed into the two next to it. 

Others and Higher Power. 

Since I could remember ‘I’ believed in God. 

Since I could remember ‘I’ was orientated around the controlling manipulation of an other – my mother. 

So, much. so. 

That what I noticed over the last few weeks as I was reminded of this ‘Spiritual Quadrant’ – that there was no ‘I’ of ‘Myself’ for 40 years that was not engulfed, submerged or dissolved into the other- and with no I there was no ‘subject’ to build relationship to the other aspects in the quadrant itself – Higher power, environment or other. It was enmeshed. 

My adaption and attunement skills, to the other were honed from tiny person days. I had to navigate verbal, emotional and physical threats, punishment, and have a cold mother be on watch, bellow, and create a cult like toxic presence in the home. A situation so obviously that those who met her once even commented that I was an ok person – but it’s my mother thats my main problem. (A vicar said this to my then prospective wife when I was 19) 

My ‘I’ was on the constant look out, on loyalty mode, on survival, navigating, trying to get approval, praise or fear any consequences of upset…and also be the one that soothed her when others upset her, I was her regulator, her therapist, I was small, helper, being attuned was a safety mechanism. 

My ‘I’ was on the other, denying myself, my time, my dreams, my ambition, because none of these existed then outside of getting non existent approval, appeasement, or staying the temporary golden trophy child. Mother was one God. 

Yet, my orientation to the ‘God’ of the Evangelical faith I adapted into, again from childhood, emphasises, self sacrifice, self denial, and taking on personal responsibility for sin, the shame it entailed, and not ‘falling short’ by praying , by being loyal, by reading and knowing the Bible, and giving up, or not doing ‘normal things’ , normal things that kept me ‘good’ but yet, my I was orientated around ‘What God might have me do’ – There was no I, because….. I was sinful, originally sinful, there was always a sinful core inside me, and ‘Only good things come from God’ and ‘I can only do good things because ‘God in me’ – and so I was, well, I wasnt, there was no I, of any substance, denying I, because I couldnt be anything other than a sinful me, and so…

God was on my chair , Lord of my Life. I was no where. I was bad, sinful, broken, unreliable. 

I and God, even, I couldnt love God because that was Gods love in me causing this to happen. I was merely catalyst rather than capable. God was I, I wasnt anything other than God. 

This all makes sense to me, and if you grew up evangelical you might get it. 

I noticed, there was no I. 

I subcontracted my “‘I” out to my damaging mother, and then to adapt into a belief of ‘I’ being nothing. 

It’s no wonder I walked close to suicide on a number of occasions, because, ‘I’ didnt exist. ‘I’ was only for or within the other. 

There was no nurturing when it was only about not upsetting someone. Whether Mother or God. And disloyalty meant not belonging. I didnt have choice, power, agency or even the knowledge of support to develop my sense of identity or ‘I’ ness. 

I was damaged. My I was damaged. 

My I was inseparable from Other and Higher Power as Other. 

And that made me compliant, good, soft, nice, friendly. 

It also meant hiding anger (pointless), rage, feelings, spark, rebellion, truth, and kept me silent. If I didnt exist, I wasnt of value to have ‘I’ power. I didnt have needs, or wants, or likes, or passion…just thinking…..thinking me. 

And I dont blame the church by the way. It’s how I utterly internalised everything that was said to belief it, from the conditioning I already had. 

Thats what I noticed. 

That there was no I, in myself. 

So, God and Other was my I. 

And I was so collapsed into the two, that I had no sense of I. 

No Self, No belief, No confidence

Just existence orientated. 

And yet. 

Now. 

As I began to establish an I…. 

I turned inward to realise…

A new story of me emerged

A new learning of me emerged

I and myself – prized its way open. 

I grew as a person when I began to create separation inside

When there actually was an I. 

That I wasnt sinful….’sin’ was actually covering up my deep core…that was Love. 

That I was….and I could love – the other, myself, environment and God….and do so with there being a relationship between me, myself and my I. 

My prized open I from myself, from the hiding place of safety, one self learning moment, one therapy conversation, one journal entry at a time, over the last 7 years.