James Ballantyne

Category: Healing

  • When ‘Sorry’ seems to be the easiest word

    https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/CrappyIntervieweesApologizer.png

    Sorry, for being late

    Sorry for not being early

    Sorry for not asking

    Sorry for asking

    Sorry for not being good enough for you

    Sorry that I didnt did everything you expected me to

    Sorry that Im not smiling today

    Sorry for being too sensitive, when I dare stand up to you

    Sorry seemed to be the easiest word.

    Being Mary Cain. — Tianna Bee

    Its a sure sign of abuse, when sorry seemed to be the easiest word.

    Look at the list above, theres lots of opportunities to cause you to feel and be sorry.

    It became a word I had to use in some relationships Ive been in, saying sorry when actually I hadn’t actually done anything wrong, yet made to feel sorry for existing or breathing.

    And then I stopped saying it. I stopped saying sorry. It took a while. Clean air. Distance.

    I stopped saying sorry for myself. Because I started to believe that, after 40 years of it, that I was the ok one. I could think of myself better. I am not a walking apology waiting to happen.

    Apologising all the time. A sign of emotional abuse.

    If you heard me say sorry too much, im not sorry now. Thats the pain I was in.

    If you hear someone else say sorry often, they might be too.

    Sorry seems to be the easiest word, when we value others opinions of us, more than our true worth. When those voices of destruction and abuse weigh heavy, and their manipulation so pervasive.

    Hang on in there friend. See the signs. You are stronger, better, more worthy than you think.

    If someone around you is apologising alot, they need assurance, not judgement. That they are ok, and that things will be.

    I barely say sorry at all, and so if I do I mean it more, because of what I did, not for the value of myself.

    Sorry need not be the easiest word.

  • Why we’ve got to try and feel our feelings, not think our way out of them

    Its easier to say….’I know’

    I know that 

    Its easier to say … ‘I think’

    I think that

    Its easier to say …’I am…’

    I am annoyed

    Its easier to say ..’I cant..’

    I cant do this anymore

    Its harder to say ‘I feel..’

    As I I feel sad, I feel happy, I feel good… when ____ happens

    Not ‘you made me feel’ or ‘you should feel’ – having someone else to blame, or dictate our feelings, but ‘I feel’

    I feel fine covers a lot though doesn’t it…How Are You? Broken Sad Lonley Hurt Upset Alone Depressed Suicidal Angry Hateful Breaking Down Screaming Dead Empty Nothing Crying Shouting Giving Up Hiding Wearing a Mask Cutting Horrible Down Holl Worth

    It was recently said to me that in the conversations about men and emotions, that its not that men dont feel emotions, but that they lack the language to describe and articulate them. I look at my own life, and wonder when I could, or felt safe to, express how ‘I feel’ or ‘felt’ about anything. It strikes me as ironic, as during a time when I was helping young people explore emotional literacy in some mentoring work, that I numbed my own pain, that I had no handle on, or no experience of doing this myself. I know about emotional literacy, is vastly different to me being able to say ‘I feel’ .

    You quickly learn as a child not to worry about your own emotions, when there’s more emotional people in the family to care for, when you’re on tenterhooks all the time. You learn to ignore feelings. Thats what I did. Switch onto full on survival mode.

    Yet at the same time I thought I was self aware. I wasn’t.

    If Daniel Coleman is to be believed, its about being aware of our mood and our thoughts about that mood (emotional intelligence, p 47) He says when we say ‘this anger I am feeling’ is more freeing than trying to deny someone the right to feel angry. Growing up in a ‘shouldn’t feel’ emotions culture, let alone a coping with other persons over emotional state culture, denies the healthy growth of emotional awareness, of the self.

    Research has shown that those who accept and are aware of their emotions, are more likely to feel both good and negative ones, than people who distract, deny and suppress emotions. Coleman writes, the more we notice in terms of emotions, the richer we are emotionally.Emotional Intelligence For Dads And Kids - The Dad Train

    But what about not being able to express or articulate emotions. A case study in Colemans book talks about the man who literally had flat, colourless emotions, who ‘lacked the words’ for feelings, and whilst he goes on to state (in 1996) that further research is needed on this (it might be done by now) he and others were drawn to the significant amount of people who literally could not feel and why this was the case.

    I like this line, on the back of their preliminary findings then..

    if you could put words to what you were felt, it was yours

    and that, as they said was the problem to those who couldn’t feel or have no words for them, they couldn’t own their own feelings. Often, that just meant feeling other peoples.

    I feel….. well what doing I feel. What do you feel?  and, Men, I address you, to  ask that you take notice of, and allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to feel, and try and articulate the feeling, saying I feel angry, happy, blissful, calm, or feeling anxious, tired, hot, aroused…

    or any one of these… practice saying, feeling, acknowledging them..I will..

    Today I Feel... Poster - FREEBIE by The Vibrant VA Studies Shop and More

    Saying I feel isn’t weak.

    Its so hard work that it requires strength. Ignoring I feel is so so much worse.  I get if you cant. I get if you cant because its buried under hurts and trauma. I know. But admit that too, and prioritise talking, therapy and loving yourself to be fully you.

    ‘I think’ was always an easy get out for me. ‘I know’ was too. Hide emotions because not being in a safe place to express them, or to peel off the layers to experience them.

    To be more me, Im going to try and speak from my heart and say I feel.

    Its not too late to start. I owe it to myself, and everyone around me.

    This may help:

    How “Feeling Your Feelings” May Help Improve Your Relationship with Food — Michelle Vina Baltsas

  • Climbing up the healing path of knowledge

    However hard it is at times, to respond and cope, the key thing that ive discovered is that is helpful to know.

    When you just know.

    When its more than panic

    more than a feeling. More that knowing that it feels wrong.

    When your mind says this is wrong.

    When you can try and say it

    out loud

    to someone else.

    It gets it out from under the rock that holds the pain down.

    Its like your voice is enough to start lifting the weight.

    Its felt like being squashed. And you didn’t know it, just felt it.

    Looking up at it, like I did at Malham Cove recently , its daunting.

     

    But when you know

    When you don’t just know the weight of the rock

    You stand and see the rock from above.

    Its not crushing you anymore, as much. Your head is above it,

    it might be your foot below it. And its still painful. And that still hurts your whole body.

    But it feels different.

    Head is above. Just.

    Heart is out of the firing line. Just

    It still hurts.

    Sometimes you’ve just got to say things out loud. Trust someone.

    Honestly, there isnt someone who can’t listen.

    First step is to let the rock be seen by others.

    To admit how the rock is affecting you

    To squeeze yourself from under it.

    It can be done.

    It really can.

    No need to be ashamed of the rock that is squashing you.

    Thats what the rock wants you to feel.

    But when you know

    You can see it

    and start to see the rock from a different angle

    Until you get to be above it…

    from above.

    Then you have power again

    Your power

    even when it still hurts.

    Knowing the rock from above gives it a whole different angle.

    From there it can be drilled into with less risk of damage to yourself

    From there you are seeing it.

    Seeing its patterns, as the water cascades over it.

    And not just that, its knowing it, because you’ve had to conquer it, and you have, and you will.

    That knowledge.

    Knowledge of the rock.

    Knowledge of you, the survivor. The climber. The one trying to make yourself free.

    Knowing yourself. Knowing the rock.

    you climbed

    you fought

    you began

    to make

    the rock

    look and feel different.

    Time to stand

    on

    it.

    Free yourself.

  • Already I’m glad I started more therapy

    I’ve only had the first session of therapy. But already I’m glad.

    Maybe therapy can feel like running a marathon, the hardest part is getting to the starting line.

    Wondering what it will be like

    Wondering what to say

    Wondering if what you have to say is going to be heard

    Wondering if anything you say is valid

    Already I’m glad. And that’s just one session done.

    First session and I’ve already shared, spoken, described stories I’ve never done before.

    Healing begins.

    Last time I did therapy in the midst of chaos, it was the start of a rebuild. With clarity over the end of one emotionally toxic relationship, clean air brings the desire to do work on the other one.

    24 hours since that first session. I’m sitting in the calm ok feeling of being heard, validated and safe.

    It’s all better out, that being stuck inside where it’s all been for over 40 years. Time to love myself even more, understand and heal.

    I’m already glad I started. Men, don’t put it off. Damaging parental relationships, or domestic abuse relationship can happen to you. It’s time to heal.
    It
    Wasn’t
    Your
    fault.

    And, seriously, don’t think you cant be healed, or that your problems are too little, or big, or that it’s not worth it. Just get onto the start line and start.

    I’m glad again to start therapy.

    I’m looking forward to being even more me.

  • For 40 years I was trying to keep the wrong rules

    Deep down what are the rules that shape the way you act, the way you feel, the way you think about yourself, the way you think about others? 

    Give yourself a minute or two

    Which of them might be the rules that you were ‘given’ through your childhood?  

    Maybe from a faith group?, from school? or somewhere else

    As someone brought up in an evangelical christian home, and church – the implicit rules from the faith were one thing, but only added to through my childhood experiences at home.

    What Ive discovered is that some of these rules need to be broken.

    What I have also realised is that people who like rules try and keep the rules, and can only say that you’re crazy or weird when you break them.

    What I realised that is breaking the rules is actually good.

    Some of the wrong rules are described by Melody Beattie in her brilliant book ‘Beyond Codependency’ (Theres a link on the resources page above)

    Not all of these apply to me, but, I recognised that so many of these had been mainstays in my own life. I had been trying to keep the wrong rules.

    • Don’t feel or talk about feelings (for me my feelings were secondary to soothing others)
    • Don’t think, figure things out, or make decisions – you probably don’t know what you want or what is best for you
    • Don’t identify, mention or solve problems – its not okay to have them
    • Don’t be who you are because thats not good enough
    • Don’t be selfish, put yourself first, say what want and need, say no, set boundaries, or take care of yourself – always take care of others and never hurt their feelings or make them angry
    • Don’t have fun, be silly, or enjoy life – it costs money, makes noise, or mess, and isnt necessary
    • Don’t trust yourself, your Higher power, the process of life or certain people – instead ut your faith in untrustworthy people; then act surprised when they let you down
    • Don’t be open, honest and direct – hint manipulate, get others to talk for you, guess what they want and need and expect them to do the same for you
    • Don’t get close to people, it isnt safe
    • Don’t disrupt the system by growing and changing  

    (Melody Beattie)

    Some of these rules are there to protect the system, the system of the organisation of the faith, they are often passed on from generation to generation. Following these rules keeps people locked in codependancy. Now, for me, im reading these rules and realising that many of these rules, not all of them, have guided my life for so long. If I realise what happened when or if I dared to express feelings or needs, or made any kind of choice or decision. As I said not all of them.

    What I didn’t ever know was that I was ok for me to be who I was, and good enough.

    What I didn’t ever have was the opportunity to know how to take care of myself

    To have fun (that wasn’t belittled or patronised)..

    And shame, guilt and disapproval keeps the rules in check. These rules govern silently. I was selfish for feeling, selfish for acting, selfish for making any kind of decision.

    But

    Its ok to change the rules. I realised that the rules I followed didn’t do me any good. The rules I followed, were just that, rules. They kept my decisions away from my heart. New life, new rules. Though its hard to not act like im still following the old rules, breaking free has been tough, and thats where my support group, my friends, books like the one I mention above have helped to realise the rules, and make new ones, and to decide what kind of rules I want to have in the rest of my life.

    As Melody said, and I underlined. The first rule is that it is ok to break the rules.

    The second is that that breaking might need to happen aggressively, change, assertive, to take back the power that you and I rightly have.

    Im learning to follow these rules:

    • Its okay to feel my feelings and talk about them when its safe and appropriate, and I want to
    • I can think, make good decisions, and figure things out
    • I can have, talk about and solve my problems
    • Its ok for me to be who I am
    • I can make mistakes, be imperfect, sometimes be weak, sometimes be not so great, or good, sometimes be better, and occasionally be great
    • Its ok to be selfish at times, put myself first sometimes. and say what I want and need
    • Its okay to give to others, but its ok to keep some for myself too
    • Its ok for me to take care of me. I can say no and set boundaries
    • Its okay to have fun, be silly sometimes, and enjoy life
    • I can make good decisions about who I can trust. I can trust myself. I can trust God even when it looks like I cant
    • I can be appropriately vulnerable
    • I can be direct and honest
    • Its okay for me to be close to some people
    • I can grow and change, even if that means rocking a bunch of boats
    • I can grow at my own pace
    • I can love and be loved. And I can love me, because I am lovable. And I am good enough.

    (These are also taken from Melody’s book – do add your own)

    And I say im learning because old habits die hard. One of the things I realised is that for so long, for most of my life I have been in endurance or survivor mode, bouncing off, every moment, drama and painful situation, just getting through. Mostly getting through the drama of everyone else, being the calm, strong one, the one that supports others, but didnt ever, for a long time, seek it myself. For me it is time to break rules, time to learn new rules, time to enjoy life in which new rules stem from my heart, my soul and from a place of health, safety, truth and power. Im learning to accept me, for who I am, not what I ought to be.

  • Men; do we need to talk about guilt and shame?

    It was part of my healing that some of my guilt turned to anger.

    When I realised that what I thought was my fault was a burden that wasn’t mine to carry

    As I discovered that someone else’s emotions are not my responsibility. Until then I took it on myself to clear up their emotional rubbish. Soothe. Tend.

    I grew up soothing the emotionally immature people in my life

    Reacting to them, as they didn’t own their emotions themselves. Manoeuvring around their world.

    Everyone else’s needs more important than mine.

    Feeling guilt for even thinking that I might have feelings, needs, emotions.

    Feeling their projected guilt that I hadn’t tended them enough.

    Not being angry enough to care about myself. Just guilt that I wasn’t meeting others needs enough.

    I had to care about myself to be angry enough to care about myself.

    Guilt in ministry encourages us to never say no, to work too hard

    To never feel like we’re doing enough

    Guilt inside caused me not to be my true self, what was my true self?

    Guilt keeps truth caged.

    My only feelings were that of others. What did I feel, deep down? It didn’t matter. So why bother.

    I am enough, I’m learning to know this

    I can feel, I’m learning to feel

    I do feel, and the toy box of my emotions now gets chance to play.

    I needn’t live in an existence where I felt guilty for not being enough. Unsure of my own emotions, unsafe of being true, so accepting the guilt.

    Healing meant that the guilt I had been conditioned to feel dissipated, and turned to anger.

    An anger that gave me permission to stand up for myself.

    To be truer to my true self.

     

    Melody Beattie writes this, in her best selling book, ‘Co-dependent no more’ :

    ‘The big reason for not repressing feelings is that emotional withdrawal causes us to lose positive feelings. We lose the ability to feel. Sometimes this may be a welcome relief if the pain is too great or too constant, but that is not a good plan for living. We may shut down our deep needs – our need for love and to be loved – when we shut down our emotions… we lose the motivating power of feelings’ (Beattie, 1992, 2nd ed)

    One of the characteristics of those who undergo therapy successfully, according to Carl Rogers, is that ‘They tend to move away from oughts’ The compelling feeling of ‘I ought to be this or that’  The client moves away from being what they out to be, no matter who has set that imperative’ (Carl Rogers, 1968)

    A friend of mine, Jenni Osborn has just recorded this on the subject of Shame in youth ministry, do have a listen

    I stopped feeling the weight of guilt, other peoples guilt projected on to me, and started to feel angry.  Angry because I now had something worth defending. Myself.

  • Learning to love myself – physically

    (this post was originally posted in July 2019 on my ‘learning from the streets blog’) 

     

    You know the feeling when you have an epiphany moment all out of the blue? well that was me this morning.

    Im aware the following image might put many of you off your tea, or breakfast or supper. So, you are warned.

    But after weirdly having a bath last night, i was standing in the bathroom this morning, almost naked in front of the mirror. (yeah apologies)

    And yes, i noticed that i was tanned quite nicely (its only 3 weeks since im back from tunisia) and, even with an all inclusive holiday, and some disciplined weight loss last year (3 stone) so, in a way, i have some realisation, that the very overweight pale me wasn’t what i was looking at in the mirror.

    Despite the weight loss and tan i hadn’t stood and looked at myself deliberately.

    I stood, looked, and thought, for the first time and said to myself: ‘I actually look ok’, and then i realised how good it felt to actually look and say to myself that i look ok.

    It felt good to appreciate myself physically.

    It felt good, and i sighed.

    I sighed because i realised that i hadn’t done this before, and yet i did it this morning without realising it.

    it was as it i hadn’t given myself permission to appreciate my own body, my own appearance, the way i looked.

    As if i felt comfortable in my own skin, and appreciated it for the first time. Though in Tunisia i felt alive, with water, and being submerged in it almost all week, just fabulous. I still didn’t give myself the acknowledgement of appreciating my own skin, my own body, my own skin and bones that God has given me.

    I wonder why i hadn’t done this before? had it even occured to me..

    confidence? shame ? fear of ego? fear of being proud? fear of the flesh? Or just not wanting to give myself the attention that i could have done, rushing here, rushing there. all excuses ultimately. But shame, fear and unhealthy body image cripples us all doesn’t it. Diets, weight, discontentment, the lies of youthfulness and hiding reality and ageing. If only we, if only I, if only we could help ourselves by redeeming our bodies. By knowing from an early age that we have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide, nothing to be embarrassed about, despite the lies. Messages of unworthiness surround, nakedness as a shameful thing, bodies that are secondary to minds, hearts and accomplishments. I might run the risk of not realising quite how unique i am in the mirror, or loving the reflection i find there, and try to make the rest of life about satisfying a body im not respecting.

    Yet, we dont, the being better, younger, fitter, smaller, thinner, pull takes over. The lies make us ignore who we are, and force us not to stop in the mirror and tell ourselves that we are already beautiful. We can feel good about ourselves… as we are.. and… so can I. 41 years into life itself, I acknowledged feeling, and acknowledged being content with who i am physically, and muttered it out loud. And it felt good. It was good. Maybe its a freeing thing.

    I wonder if for me, the extensive internal work, therapy, self awareness and this process has also had an effect on how i feel about myself physically. If digging deep into the who i am, the interal may, may also have a knock on effect on how i feel about myself in my own physical skin. It might be crude to say that I have fallen in love with myself, but, actually to love ourselves is important, to healthily respect ourselves means we have contentment, a virtue that a material and commercial world would do its best to help us to not have. To be able to breathe and connect with ourselves might need us to feel good internally and have internally positive feelings about our external. Maybe it’s less about self awareness and more about resisting the lies that tell us differently about ourselves. I only hope this might be an encouragement to feel good about ourselves.

    But if in giving myself the space – or more to the point – having life circumstances where my only choice, was to focus on the internal me, and be confident and aware of how i think, who i am, how i am, and my energy, passions, dreams, and becoming in tune with my emotions in a way that is fabulous, then maybe all of that leads me to stand in the mirror and go. James, you look good. And to feel good about what i saw. To feel good about myself. To like what i saw in the mirror. To almost feel at peace, to almost feel embodied.

    It was an accidental epiphany. But a significant one.

    I hope it doesnt put you off your tea. But i hope that you can get to a point where you can look at your own body and for your own sake do the same. It might make your life so much more fulfilling.

    As John Duns Scotus said, calling it the harmony of goodness;

    ‘true love for the self always overflows into love for the other; it is one and the same flow. And your freedom to extend love to others always gives you a sense of dignity and power of your own self. It is such a paradox’ (taken from Richard Rohr, The Divine Dance, p103)

  • Emotional Abuse – why it’s like the aphids on my chilli plants

    I am now in the fourth season of growing chillies, I planted the current crop from seed in January, and now 25 (sorry 24, I gave one away) plants adorn my small flat, taking up window sills and the balcony.

    I think ive eaten 6 green fruits and I’m giving the chance for the other fruits to ripen and turn red, unless I need them for cooking.

    But the first year I tried to grow them from seed I failed. They just didn’t take.

    The second year I was given a cutting from my sister in laws mum/dad, and the one plant grew and supplied me with over 100 chillies in a year.

    But they nearly didn’t make it.

    I looked at the plant every day. It was in a prime sunlit position.

    I didn’t realise it was being attacked.

    What I didn’t spot, initially, was the aphids.

    Because they hide.

    But also because I wasn’t looking for them

    I thought the extra green/white dots on the flowers were normal.

    I didn’t see them.

    (And I bet you cant see these ones either: )

    Not yet.

    Not until just before it was too late.

    Or just before I could do something about them.

    Spray purchased and they got eradicated.

    Plant saved.

    Chillies harvested.

    Aphids destroyed.

    But only after I could see them.

    I could equate this story to Sin, and especially a note I remember why old pastor telling me, that its always the little foxes that spoil the vine.

    But I’m not going to do that.

    Because sometimes it’s easier to notice Sin and ignore it, than it is to notice abuse and put up with it.

     

    One of the most key questions about Domestic abuse is said to the victims:  ‘Why did you stay?’

    instead it should be ‘what was manipulating you not to leave?’

    It takes more than 28 calls for help to leave.

     

    Thats when its dawned enough for the victims to know that they’re in something so terrible, and they want a way out.

     

    But on other occasions the abuse is more like the aphids.

    So subtle.

     

    Call it gaslighting, emotional manipulation, psychopathy, or sociopathy. Language varies.

     

    Either way; It’s not a pair of scissors sniping away at a chilli plant, but almost invisible aphids.

     

    Until the plant has lost its spark, its reason to be.

    Aphids attack the new plant. The leaves that are growing. New life susceptible.

    Emotional abuse attacks any new growth. Any opportunity for light, joy or growth. It is jealous.

    Until there’s nothing left in its core.

    The plant cannot escape. But it needs help. But it might not even know it.

    Needs the help of those who have previously bought the spray.

    Needs the help of those who know what they’re looking for.

    Those who can see.

    These fourth season chillis are growing in an environment where i have an aphid spray of water and soap ready to hand.

    Theres no shame for chilli plant to have aphids. It just needs help to have them eradicated.

    Its not the fault of the plant.

    Ever.

    (This post was originally posted on my Learning from the streets Blog, it still remains there too)

     

    References:

    Children of the Aging self-absorbed: (2006) Nina Brown

    The Gaslighting effect : (2018) Reva Steenbergen 

    The Carl Rogers Reader, (1990) Kirschuenbaum, Henderson

  • Why my healing didn’t start at therapy

    At the end of a year in which i had separated from my wife (now ex-wife) after I had left the family home to move into a friends house, with barely any money, I had a one day a week job, and had been looking for work and been knocked back from all of them for 6 months, I decided that I needed to go to counselling.

    I had already realised in the space and hospitality, maybe even retreat, from what was my home, that I had stuff I needed to deal with too. And stuff that I thought I needed to overcome because I was to believe that everything was my fault.

    Counselling, Therapy, Professional help?

    Why did I leave it so late?

    Was I scared of what it would expose? Well to be honest, there wasn’t much left that wasn’t now on the table, but still even so.

    I thought there would be a lot of work to do on me, so many things I had to deal with, where would a counsellor start?

    Then again, it wasn’t therapy that was the beginning of my healing and recovery. It was the recognition that I loved myself to want to go. That I was important enough to invest in myself to do this. The space in a safe place to heal a bit, to make a step up, to have gone through all this and not completely crumbled, and be in a place of clean air, started the rebuild from the rockest of bottoms.

    It took a few weeks for the therapy to be arranged, and those who were demanding I do it put on the most pressure, but this wasn’t for them, it was for me.

    As I went for assessments for the therapy and met them, I was asked as series of questions, I remember thinking at the time that I was confused, and had experienced so much in my life that I didn’t have any sense of value of myself, so the things I thought were incidental, were actually important, one day ill write about them too. I thought I was pretty self aware, what I actually was was professionally very competent, and a high achieving, compassionate person, that had ignored the things that had hurt for a very long time.

    My healing didn’t start at therapy. But my healing didn’t continue without it. Yes I know that it may be expensive – I also know that it may not work for some, and I’m not a therapist and dont pretend to be. But It is a matter on what you are prepared to do about loving yourself. Can you afford it – you might not be able to afford not to, and it may not take as long as you think. Starting could be the hardest part.

    I can only talk about my therapy journey. Was I slightly terrified, yes. Was it hard work, yes. Because for the first time this was about me. Giving myself there attention I had given so many others for years.

    Though I am sure its not the end of the process for me, for therapy and possibly trauma therapy. I wanted to talk about therapy, about counselling, recommending it, for, even as a fairly sensitive, open, relational male, this was a difficult, but necessary step, and one I wholly recommend.  Men, value yourselves, your heart and emotions – nothing is solved by running away and hiding. Once spoken, and let out, the healing can begin.