Over the last few weeks, because of a combination of some self-realisations, and also being under the weather with ‘the worst cold in history‘ I have been watching TED talks, and you know me, ive not been attracted to the science, technology or ‘how to make it in business TED talks’ but the ones on emotional health, growth and vulnerability.
I was in a bit of despair, for at one point all I was finding was women talking about emotions and wondering ‘where are the men?’
Do men talk about this stuff – or on TED is it men who talk about ‘leadership’ and ‘creativity’ and women who talk emotions, relationships, vulnerability and sex.. almost..
Then I found the one above, with Justin Baldini…. in which he also asks the question..where are the men? as well as being self reflective about the culture of growing up male, of masculinity, and about pretending. Pretending being an actor, playing roles of men that were nothing like he was as a person.
I quite liked it. So ive posted it here, so that you might want to have a look too.
Or so that you know where it is
Do let me know what you think, what questions does this TED talk raise for you?
What did you like, what did you not?
Men, are there Men in your life you talk real to? – are there men in my life?
My Dad was, and still is, a very practical man, the shed and garage was full of saw, drills, spanners, screwdrivers, bits of wood, metal, nails, screws, pipes, plastic, levers, sawdust..loads of sawdust and grime , my Dad was a self employed Plumber and heating engineer, and basically everyones favourite repair man in the town.
We didnt even have a car, we travelled around on a bench in the back of ‘the van’ , shovelled in to a space that in the weekdays was also a home for work bags, tool boxes and the dust sheets. The same tools built and redeveloped our entire house (as well as everyone elses).
Used in the wrong way tools were harmful, some blades were sharp, some drills too heavy and powerful for even an enthusiastic 7 year old to use, some tools were the wrong ones selected for the job, some tools will make jobs easier, some harder, depending on what you wanted to do. The grass could be cut with scissors, but its not worth it, hand sawing wood at times very hard work, not worth it on some occasions.
But that kind of makes sense, doesnt it, selecting the right tool for the job, when cutting the grass, making a shelf, wood turning or refitting a gas boiler?
And the tools we select for finance work or academia or community work – are also honed, cultivated, chosen, practiced and reflected on, for the purposes of the task in hand, to be effective, meaningful, quick, cooperative or productive.
As some of you may know, and from my other blog (Learning from the Streets) , One of the books I have been reading this year is this one
The English Pastoral by James Rebanks. Its a true story about the changes in farming in the last 100 years, compared to the previous 1600 years, though there were changes in medieval farming, to rotational farming, and then with the intensity farming with the development of fertilisers, chemicals and so called efficiency. Do have a read. Its ultimately fascinating.
One of the things he says towards the end of the book, and throughout is that farming is precedented on the ongoing quality of the soil and how this affects everything, crop growth, wildlife and ecosystems, all of which are important for the present and future.
But what he concedes is that one of the principle tools that has brought the most disaster, ecologically, is the one piece of equipment that farming has relied on for centuries.
The Plough.
The plough breaks open the soil, exposes it to the harsh realities of the weather, disrupts nutrients and ecosystems. Its a staggering thing to admit for farmers (p239), it’s like saying that church buildings are harmful for Clergy or calculators for economists.
So in understanding about the need for the quality for soil to be preserved that new, or maybe older ways of farming, and a change of tools is required.
In our understanding of soil – there is a requirement, for a number of reasons to change the tools – if we want to restore, preserve and maintain the health of the soil. If farming pushes on regardless with chemicals, responding to profits and supermarket demands, the tools are items of destruction. But only if different motivations about the meaning of life, and the countryside and ecology are changed.
So, what about us? As individuals? As Men..specifically?
What about Emotional tools, rather than the physical ones?
If our life is about the ‘bottom dollar’, work and efficiency – what might be the cost? And what tools do we use in dealing with emotions, when money and profit are the main motivation.
I can say, that diverting, distraction, hiding, pretending were the tools I used for emotions, because that was the only option I had. They were the only emotional tools I had in my tool box.
What are the tools you’re using, that without realising are causing long term harm? Is putting off dealing with difficult emotions your way of coping ? is it go through the motions of work, drink, sport, sleep and back to work again without any recognition of being a person with emotions – unless its about getting drunk and being angry? In the same way you might re decorate a room – what parts of you need some attention? Whats the quality of your soil like? Full of life? or dry? barren, lifeless?
What damage was that doing to me? What damage might it be doing to you?
Did I value the very thing all life stemmed from, the soil of my heart, my soul or mind? Did I love myself? What part of me was being destroyed – for the sake of what?
Tools may have been given to us as children growing up, explicitly or implicitly about how to grow up, what was expected of us, what rules to keep, what to value, what to not – and for some of us those tools may well have been the suitable ones for life and to enjoy it, but thats not the case for everyone, when my therapist asked me what guidance I had growing up from my parents, I struggled – I knew what not to have done after the event, but tools for life? hmm not so sure
We might still reach for the wrong tool, without knowing other tools are even available – new pain experienced, old tool grabbed for. Same pain or experience, same tool, same pattern, same again…and its ok…start to see the pattern…
What tools did you receive – when dealing with emotions – that without realising are damaging you? Which are you trying to deny space to work and deal with? Are you avoiding? Are you digging a hole with the wrong tool? Or trying to cover over the cracks with a temporary grass , that looks good, but is ecologically disaster ?
Other people, even those close to us, are giving us nods and hunches all the time that we have stuff to unlearn, to see differently, to have the nudge to change – they see things we dont always. A new tool might be required for a moment, that we might default into distract or divert, deny or depress – when it might be better to accept, to feel, to open up, to listen, to respond. Fear might keep us using old tools, loving ourselves, and others might help us to pick a new tool out of the toolbox, its not a hammer with a blunt edge, but a delicate chisel, to sculpt, shape, mould, gently.
New growth in a farm without a plough takes time. Its the same as dig free allotment gardening. But, nature does recover. It just need humans to help it, not destroy it.
Maybe its time to realise the damage of our old toolkit, thank it for what it brit, made and kept safe, but a new us requires new tools. Theres pain in throwing out the old equipment that served us well, but maybe its time for something new. What of your behaviours feels like the plough? And maybe thats the one to talk about, to be vulnerable about, to seek professional help about, maybe its time to put the nutrients into the soil and grow from goodness and depth.
100th Post!
Thank you for reading and sharing and liking my written work here on Healing for Men – ive just noticed that this is my 100th piece, so, I just wanted to thank you for all your encouragement and support. If you would like to make a small gift contribution please do click the link on the right. Thank you all
Two of my last posts have been about Shame and Vulnerability, and in particular the areas of shame that may be more prevalent in Men, given societal expectations.
So theres Shame that men feel.
Theres also Shame that men create – that Women feel, that women carry and hide that affects them.
In the industries run by men, that perpetuate shame – to control to to make money.
In the faith industries run by men, cultivated by men – that damage, wound and inflict shame.
We have a responsibility, given, that we create society.
If you hadn’t started to listen to Women, and their stories of how shame affects them, in faith contexts, in society – then maybe its time to.
Not deny it, not to reject it – but to stop and listen
And recognise, deeply, our part in this, and to do something about it
So I share with you a personal, warm, honest, sometimes sweary video below of my partner Christelle, and our friend Marie, – both previously evangelical Christians, both had been in ministry, both in their 40’s in western society.
Do watch, and listen,
What surprises you? What do you learn? what might you change as a result? What has to change?
Healing ourselves is about being open to listen, about acknowledging the pain we’ve inflicted, and making amends – to do better.
Please do put comments below, like and share the video , ill put the link below too.
I would like to add that if you are interested in exploring the subject of Shame, Trauma and Christianity even further then further reading on this can be found by Karen O Donnell and Sally Nash in the UK, and Serene Jones, Shelley Rambo in the US – they have , in the last 20 years, began to write on shame, trauma and theology. It is worth a look, do follow Karen on social media for details of studying this subject in the UK too.
Ive got to admit I didn’t really want to like Brene Brown.
Her name had been banded around for quite a few years, usually by the phenomenal women that I know…and on the ever shared many internet memes and quotes, there probably isnt a week that goes by when a Brene Brown quotation hasn’t crossed my path in the last few years.
But I didnt want to delve in to the Brene Brown popular phenomenon.
So I figured I didnt really need to read her books or listen to her stuff.
I mean, everyone is doing the self-help guru act and isnt she just like other people – an American female Matt Haig.
Im sorry to admit… I was maybe a tiny bit American self help prejudice…
So, dosed up with Lemsip, a laptop, and after a week of self reflection, I took a step of vulnerability and gave her TED talks a watch last weekend.
Opened myself up to the possibility of what she might be saying… 11 years after it was recorded… (up until last weekend my TED talk watching has included 5 in total I think – yeah I know)
I was pleasantly surprised.
Here was someone who spoke the language of academia – not mushy self help
(Then again would she be on a TED talk otherwise..?)
Here was someone who was both self effacing, witty and wrestling with herself in the process of the research
Someone who was warm.
Someone who spoke and made it possible for me to feel like she was talking to me—- oh hang on James, really?
Yes..because she was trying to hide herself behind her ego knowledge. Being known for knowing things.
And that was me.
The clever one at school – who couldn’t dance….who tried to do sports
The clever one – who found academia…
I was probably avoiding Brene Brown…because I kind of knew that I would like her, and like what she was saying, about shame, vulnerability and relationships.
She ends the second of her two TED talks with a shortened version of this quote:
What do you think of this quote?
I love and hate it at the same time. I love and hate it because it asks something
Its about showing up, with a raw vulnerable self
In my relationships with my wonderful partner, my fabulous children and also friends and my work colleagues
Not avoid the arena, to not just be the critic from the side (and isnt so much of media the critic?)
Its easy to stand from the edges and criticise – but life isnt a non participation sport – not life in its fullness
Participation in life is a messy action, where feelings are felt – not numbed…
Daring greatly
As Brene had done herself – from academic critical thinker, to therapy chair and breakdown (sorry, Spiritual Awakening)
So I was doing my best to stand on the edge of the arena when Brene Brown is on the stage, and her books are available. Rather be the critique from a distance, than entertain the possibility that id be vulnerable to admit resonating and liking what she might have to say.
Theres something else too. Its not just about showing up on the arena, in full view.
Its about showing up to ourselves.
When the only critic is ourself – often the worse critic of all
The one critic that we might need to talk to as much as the external critics too. Tell to STFU every now and then.
So, thank you Brene Brown. Thank you TED for being an incredible resource on You Tube, Thank you 5 days of cold/flu which has given me time to delve into them.
I got you wrong Brene, and I’m grateful that I found you at the very right time. Vulnerability and Shame might be what the next phases of my life are about. So, thank you.
Have a look on TED for Brene yourself…I dare you greatly…
A very long time in fact, because I had conditioned myself to numb the pain, to survive and also that I had only my own resources to get through things.
You might imagine, that in having supportive parents you might find there shame in getting to the point where your marriage had broken down – but at least you’d be possibly assured of support afterwards. Imagine having the opposite. Imagine what its like knowing that you’d have to manage their emotions when you’re going through your stuff. So you dont bother.
So I learned to pretend.
Imagine being in a faith culture- being in churches, working for churches, being a youth worker, being well known – and also having to hide, numb and pretend that the reality doesnt exist. When you think, that everyone else thinks, that you might be happy and ok – but they dont ask and I avoid being asked.
It took me a long while to know that doing this for more than 20 years. It took me the same length of time to try and bring to light childhood horrors into the open either.
Why?
Why couldn’t I do this?
Why when ‘Vulnerability’ hit me like a drug in early 2019 it was like a refreshing new thing, but was as if I couldn’t help but tell bits of my story, the real stuff.
Shame, as Brene Brown says, is the belief that we might not be accepted in loved – if our truth is revealed.
Talk to me about the things that I was good at – and good at ‘despite’ my parents, and maybe thats the thing, if Brene Brown is right – then shame is “I am Bad’ rather than ‘I do bad things’ – somehow I had been gifted the shame of being responsible for the situation I was in, because of being a child of narcissist parents, it could never be their fault or responsibility…so whose might it be..yup..mine.
In his book The Courage of Hopelessness, Slavoj Zizek writes in the first few pages about the ethical dilemma of those who smoke cigarettes but can give up, and the moral ethical dilemma of the ‘choice’ of giving up, the freedom to give up, and also the imperative to, going on to say that its only when someone is desperate, on their sick bed, and at the pit of hopelessness do they realise that they have no choice but to, for their own survival, that they do. I am yet to read more of his book, but this in the first few pages stuck. Survival Shame meant, for me, just keeping going, getting through it, same patterns, same torment, same gnawing unhappiness, same abuse, until the desperate me had to ask for help.
Richard Rohr talks about a vulnerability moment, a breakdown (Falling Upwards)
Eckhart Tolle describes his own, aged 30 (The power of Now) , as does Brene Brown herself.
It took hopelessness – to get through the layers of shame.
I couldn’t see things whilst I was hiding in and amongst it.
Though I was right about the parents, and at the time so glad I was somewhere actually emotionally safe.
Back to Brene Brown – in her TED talk I referred to in my previous blog, she talked about the 4 aspects of society that Men have to live up to ‘to be a man’,
Emotional Control,
Status,
Job
and Violence…
Well I re watched it again yesterday with Christelle, and realised Brené said something else:
For Women, Shame is
Do it all, Do it perfectly and never let them see you sweat
For Men, Shame is just one thing:
Do not be perceived as weak
Brene Brown (TED, 2012)
In the area of Emotional control, one of the fours aspects above that Men have to live up to – how does being weak in this area bring about shame?
are you any of these..I might be
I know I can be ‘open’ like this – but I know I struggle to show emotions and be emotional even with people I feel safe with
I didnt want to look weak – by going to therapy – and yet im going back for more
I would prefer to fix than ‘not know’
I would rather hide and pretend than admit I need help
Being vulnerable – genuinely vulnerable is a weakness
No one at work had better know if im struggling – I couldn’t bear it
People like me, dont talk about struggles – we’re always ‘fine’
Numb your own pain – those emotions are not as important as other peoples
In my job I look after other people – I have to stay strong…
Dont be soft, you’ll get walked over
What might you add to this list? What might you have said to yourself?
If Emotional control is one of the expectations – and fear of being weak the main shame for men – what might this look like for you.. what does it look like for me?
You might ask about whether you need to have an awareness breakdown moment before realising that there is a different way to be about shame and vulnerability – and in truth I do not know the answer, that may be down to your attachment style (healthy) and childhood and all the coping mechanisms – and whether you have places to be emotionally safe. Maybe you dont need to have a breakdown and get to being hopeless to start making the change – maybe you were brought up with good acceptance of your emotions as a boy from family and friends. Only you reading this know.
It could manifest in the fear of needing to be looked after, or the fear of having to ask for help, or not giving away our emotions, or staying in survival mode, or distract from real feelings mode, or taking medications to numb the pain…
Vulnerability isnt a weakness – it is part of our every day lives – its risky and scary – it is part of who we are- and that includes us as men too.
This is possibly part 1 in a series on vulnerability, in which Ill write on the 4 societal aspects described above and share a little about how they have affected me, and possibly other men too.
If you have a story to share about Shame, and vulnerability – and emotional control – do put it below or email me , and with your permission id love to share.
Maybe its time to name the weakness, name that it is not weak, to challenge the culture in which this manifests – I deserve better, our boys deserve better, women deserve better – Society is better for healthier men in it.
‘When we (Men) reach out and be vulnerable, we get the shit beat out of us… and dont tell me from the guys…but from the women in our lives
So I started interviewing men and..
You show me a woman who can sit with a man with real vulnerability – ill show you a woman who has done incredible work
You show me a man who can sit with a woman who has got to the end of her tether and his first response isn’t ‘I unloaded the dishwasher’ but he really listens – because thats what we need – then ill show you a guy whose done a lot of work
Shame is an epidemic in our culture
To find our way back to ourselves in our culture we have to find out how it affects us, the way we’re parenting, the way we’re working, the way we’re looking at each other
When asked what the things men have to do to conform with male norms in culture, research showed the following:
Always show emotional control
Make work a Primary goal
Pursue Status
Violence
The antidote to shame is empathy, if you put shame in a petrie dish it goes away.
Shame needs three things to grow exponentially, secrecy, silence and judgement – it can’t survive with empathy.
If we’re going to find our way back to each other, vulnerability is going to be that path.
It may be seductive to stand outside the arena, when im perfect and bulletproof…but that never happens, we bring ourselves as we are to the battle ‘
I have spent the last week digging deep reflecting on vulnerability and shame, on guilt, on myself – and this brought me to the point of actually reading or watching something of Brene Brown, a name that to me had been only a social media meme, or someone who I hadn’t got around to yet.
So I watched her two TED talks over the weekend. Whilst there’s so much to reflect on in full. Its these last few comments about Men that I highlighted above, that I felt it appropriate to share here.
Lets look again. For a man in society to live up to cultural norms (in a US based research) it involves
Emotional Control
Primacy of work
Status
Violence.
So shall we ask the question – do you agree or disagree?
Or a better one – have you felt shame in not fulfilling these things?
Or another – how much effort does it take to ‘go against’ them?
What does shame feel like for you?
Are you expected to be ‘in emotional control’ – around others who lose their shit – so what place do your feelings have?
when was the last time you cried? When was the last time you cried, in front of your partner?
Are you expected to work until – well until you are sick? Because you are meant to? Is your life about success at all costs?
Status and power – Have felt the pressure or shame for not taking on that promoted role, or that position?
Violence – Dont be the victim of bullying, stand up for yourself… fight back… – win at all costs ?
Which of these resonates for you? Or might it be something else?
If im honest I was shocked by these 4 things, especially Violence, but then whats the method in which superheroes win in films? or in video games? (as one example) – and it worried me that these were revealed as expectations and then areas in which Men might feel shame about, and realised that even if we dont think all apply to us – we can still carry shame because of just one of these areas.
Maybe lets pause for a moment and reflect on the shame that we carry.
What is it, and what is it doing to us that is likely to be unhealthy.
What subliminal message about expectations and shame are we passing onto our children? What have we inhabited? What does shame and vulnerability mean for us, as men?
I had to admit something to my partner Christelle the other day, she knows me as someone who is wise, clever, reads, who likes nature, adventures, travel and food, who is in work that involves justice, poverty and faith. I had to admit something, that feels like a guilty secret, in comparison of all these noble, creative, wise activities about me.
And that was my also my following of sport. Specifically the capitalist business model team that is Manchester United – a team I supported since I was 8. My guilty pleasure, out in the open. But it felt almost shameful. Not liking football could be seen as odd in the UK, but that I support ‘that’ team (and not just because of recent results) seems so out of character with so many parts of me that I stand for. Though this felt trivial it wasnt in a way. It was a tiny bit of vulnerability on my part, a part of me that I often feel shame about, and hide, as it makes me feel less perfect, less with integrity, interested in something ‘trivial’. Though it sounded trivial, it still felt like a thing I felt shame about.
In another example : I had to take a covid test today, like so many of us in the last 2 years – but can you remember how it was ‘shameful’ to admit getting this disease? Shame and blame in culture… – and yes I am writing this post whilst dosed up on lemsips and a bag full of tissues to hand – and the test has come back negative…
Maybe thats the thing with shame and vulnerability – its about giving ourselves away, to hope that we’ll be loved despite our imperfections, and take a risk – where its safe to do so.
So to the Men who might read this – what might shame and being vulnerable mean to you – what are you scared of, or afraid of?
What cultures in work, or religious groups, make it even easier to hold on to shame- where our real lives can be hidden away for pretence or expectation – to not be our real selves..pretending…
It might be time to bring it out of the secrecy, silence and judgement.
Do the expectations of emotional control, stays, work and violence affect you? – in what ways?
Is it one of these things more than the others? And who and how might you begin to expose the layers of some of the wounds of shame and let them go, in a way like Matt Haig describes below:
Imagine forgiving yourself completely. The goals you didnt reach. The Mistakes you made -(the choices that you made even). Instead of locking those flaws inside to define and repeat yourself, imagine letting your past float through your present and away like air through a window, freshening a room. Imagine that.
Matt Haig (The Comfort Book)
Of course, the other side of this is those who feel no shame, the tiny proportion, but still large number who might be considered sociopathic. Shame is part of being human, part of being a human that is more whole and humane.
Im writing this in Wetherspoons Newcastle waiting for my hourly train back down the coast.
Don’t Judge.
I can see the pint of beer for £2.19 or less, and food on the menu with a free drink for under £7.
The table is slightly sticky.
My bum is on a hard seat, as the more cloth backed moon chairs around a table are taken.
It has 3 floors, and it has an air of something in it, that I cant quite work out. Maybe freedom, reluctant freedom against a system, somewhere between that and content to be stuck in a victim mindset.
Faded images of the old city off Newcastle adorn the walls.
Yet. It is full.
(for the non UK reader, Wetherspoons is a pub chain in the UK, known for, well, cheap beer, food and Brexit)
And not that long ago, four of the Wetherspooons pubs in the north east had my fairly regular custom.
One of them was a place I went weekly to eat, the meal out with my friend who housed me when I had no where to go.
The first night I got there, penniless and with nothing, he took me out for food.
And that was the same every week.
Then another one nearby was one weekly bus pass away. So, if I went out for a walk, and I walked loads, take a bus into the city, then walk along the river and up to the beach, then back to Wetherspoons for a cheap lunch and drink, before getting the bus back.
In that same one, it was full.
And I was in it at 10am.
For coffee, when the coffee was 99p for free refills (I knew the prices of all the coffee in all four of them), when I had very little money, coffee, or 3 cups of it at 99p was great, Costa or local independent coffee shop was out of the question.
People were drinking at 10am.
It was their place to be.
I was in there on my own, lost in many thoughts.
In Wetherspoons, I began to see them. Talking to the staff every now and then, or maybe the other people not far away, on adjacent tables, get a sense of peoples situations. Their torments, their issues, who had offended them, their rage.
Rarely any joy.
Drinking at 10am.
What were their lives like? To need to be in Wetherspoons drinking at 10am?
But then, it dawned on me.
Its like what they say, don’t complain about the traffic when you are traffic.
I was practically homeless, jobless and drinking in Wetherspoons at 10am. But I was alone.
The only difference was that I was drinking coffee.
It wasn’t just a place in which I could see others. But I saw myself.
I saw at the time that I was no different to the 10am drinkers in Wetherspoons.
I was scraping around for the last 99p for 3 cups of coffee, some weeks.
There was no moral superiority to be had, my pretense at even trying to read a book was just that a pretence. To all purposes I was the same, a human being lost, and wondering where their home was. Also realising that it was one thing walking alone, drinking alone was something I wouldn’t do, and being in a busy Wetherspoons meant that I was in the vicinity of people, alone, but not on my own, alone, actually but never lonely.
And where was I, also somewhere between feeling wounded and oppressed, and not being able to see, myself or the situation I was in.
Once I began to work, Wetherspoons was a great place, like now for working and writing, cheap coffee, the noise of people around, lunch at a fairly reasonable price, and it became a place that was distant from the home I was staying in, gave me a break and a boundary.
Was I the kind of person who would judge people in Wetherspoons before all this? Nope not really, and even now, there’s a difference between the persons in Wetherspoons and the values of its Owner. Sometimes I would be afraid of the noise in Wetherspoons if I was standing outside it waiting for a bus on an evening, sometimes when I walked in I realised I had to toughen up and be confident in myself just a little bit more, to walk in. Amongst the noise.
Did going to Wetherspoons help me, heal me, save me? I’m not sure, was it somewhere where I could be invisible, where I could feel human, where I didn’t have to pretend and ultimately be anything or anyone other than a person in need of a coffee at 10am on random Wednesday mornings. Was it a place that gave me an insight into the darkness of my own soul? No, but I was a place which holds a kind of static, stable memory of a safe place to go to be just like anyone else. Where I didn’t have to be the me that looks like they have everything together, that has degrees and can think, the me that has a reputation, the me that had ‘a ministry’ or a ‘calling’ .
Where I didn’t have to talk to people where I had to try and pretend to be ok. Even people who I know now would have been fine with me saying my real stuff, i didnt know even how to articulate it, or want to ask for help, or bring others into the drama I was hiding. I wasn’t going to be asked the question ‘How are you’ in Wetherspoons at 10am in the morning.
In Wetherspoons at 10am I didnt have to do any of these things.
I was just a stranger in a pub drinking at 10am. Just like anyone else. Because I am like anyone else.
Life might be more about being the lost stranger in the pub.
James Ballantyne 