Category: Self awareness

Im giving you what I know. From what I have heard, directly.

As I was watching in a fascinating documentary recently on the development of Art in America (‘The Art of making it’- I think) , they used the phrase ‘ the oppressed knows their abuser more than the abuser knows themselves’ . So this is what I’m sharing with you, my knowledge, so that you can build up yours, if you need to. Healing starts when you see how you have been treated.

These are some of the tactics of the manipulator, and they are tactics, strategies so often used that protect their position or their core damaged, often rotten self.

Written from their perspective. For extra ammunition for you, the healing one, the empathetic or someone who hadnt realised the extend of what people could do to be emotionally or verbally manipulative.

So let’s put ourselves in the place of the manipulator, change places and imagine that we are in the shoes of someone trying to keep someone else quiet.

You have power, and so here some phrases to use if you want to make sure that your, powerful position is maintained, and in the process you have bewildered and controlled the person who challenges it.

It’ll keep someone quiet, especially someone who you want to keep silenced.

So, next time you are challenged, they maybe start to ask you questions that seems to threaten your existence, just throw one of these at them and see their reaction. For a moment it’s likely to startle them, especially if you’re using it for the first time. But remember, dont use the same one often, because what you’ll end up doing is giving them something to digest, like the gristle on a bit of chicken, and they’ll start to think about it, and build up some responses to it, so its better to throw in a new one or different one every now and then.

In no particular order….

1. ‘I dont want to argue with you.’ This one is great, especially if they start to talk after a discussion before, it’ll completely silence them, they dont want an argument or conflict, just try it and see.
2. ‘You’re just a dreamer.’ This has the same effect as
3. ‘Stop being such an idealist’ .. If you suggest their argument is unreal, or ideal, it disables it, and they start to wonder if its unreasonable, making your position completely reasonable
4. ‘Now dont get Angry with me’; Say this if their tone is just a tiny tiny bit louder than normal, or especially if they have gained a bit of confidence recently, suggesting they might be angry at something will peg them down a bit, also it really helps, in ‘church world’ that any determination of anger can help ensure that a position is invalidated. You can appear the calm one. It doesn’t matter if you have made them angry.
5. ‘You’re too Sensitive’… an alternative is ‘You Care too Much’ – these are great to use, especially if they are starting to notice that you have limited depths of care for others, and maybe a deeper core of selfishness that you’d like to hide, so just let them know that they are too caring, and too sensitive to the needs of others. They’ll question how much to care, and maybe, if you say it right they’ll think that you haven’t had enough attention, and they’ll give you more, after all this is what you want all along.
6. ‘You’re just gossiping’ or ‘thats just gossip’ or ‘they’re just a tell-tale’ Definitely use this one if someone starts to accuse someone that you have a close association with, especially related to safeguarding, and maybe churches and religious groups, this one is great to use, it’ll rally others around your position and sideline the critical, negative or disclosures. Its more effective if the persons making the accusation are in an already sidelined group, like young people, women, older people, someone with learning needs, someone from a poor background, anyone whose been judged harshly already by the majority, explicitly or implicitly, thats the best time to get away with the ‘gossip’ line.
7. ‘Are you sure you dont belong to a Cult?’ If the person goes to a different religious group, one that is different to yours, and they are challenging you, then throw this line at them, do it especially if they have received guidance from their ‘pastor’ or ‘minister’ and its about how to cope with you.
8. ‘This is just the ways its been/always been/ I can’t change/Just the way I am’ – There’s no way you are going to change, especially not for them, why do you even need to you are perfect as you are, so give a version of this one a try, gently let them know that this is how you have always been, (or how the organisation has always been) and by saying this, they will have to realise that they have to do any changing.
9. ‘You need to think about my needs’. This one is great to use, after they have done some of 8, changing. Then because of the effort they have put into thinking about themselves for a while, this will help them reset to thinking about you again, and taking them back into the pattern that you liked them in, when they orientated their life around you, and you not changing. They love changing and being exhausted all the time.
10. ‘Dont raise your voice you’ll upset the kids/someone’ . Say this when you want to give them the curveball of emotional sympathy, but not for you, for someone else. You dont feel, or get upset that often remember, neither does what they say or do upset you… but that doesn’t stop you from using someone else to create their emotional sympathy. Just gently let them know that their actions hurt someone that both you and they have a connection to, a family member, relative that kind of thing. It also gives them the knowledge that you have contact with that other person.
11. ‘I think you might have mental health issues’. Get this one out there when they’ve gone a bit upset or really low, depressed ever since the last time they tried to talk with you. Maybe even do this in a kindly way, suggest that they get help, or make it look as if you care about them, just a little. But dont do any more than this, never find them a therapist, or book a GP appointment, no no no, just plant the seed. It’s unlikely that they’ll follow it up, it just combines a tiny bit of care, and causes them to be bewildered further. Just be really careful here though, especially if they start to go to therapy, or get help, you’ll have to find ways of pegging them down or devaluing what they are doing in this.
12. ‘Dont you dare try and be the Victim’. When they start to even dare think of themselves as a victim of your behaviour towards them, just plant in them this little gem, it’ll reinforce to them that you control which role you are and the position from which you see the world, and there’s no way they are going to take this position from you.
13. ‘I was just being sarcastic’. Did they not understand a comment you made that was intentionally harsh? Or they challenge you on it because it was unreasonable.. Say it was sarcastic. Now you know that they know that it wasn’t, but that doesn’t matter, just say it anyway.
14. ‘You’re overthinking this, you read too much, best to keep it simple’. Your way is right, even if their thought through idea is a good one, demean the source of the idea (probably a book) and not them, and then appeal to an easy way. Easy avoids pain and pain is definitely something to avoid.
15. ‘I think you expect perfection’ – Use this one to suggest that they are expecting too much of you, like anything at all or their basic needs to be met, which isn’t what you are going to do, so instead, give them the impression that what they require from you is some gigantuon effort, or extension of reality , like perfection, and instead they will have to re-assess what it might even be that they are asking.
16. Speak of yourself in the third person, so ‘Your father, Your wife, Your husband’ dont say ‘I’ , because your I has to stay hidden away, and can’t speak, but you can describe yourself in the present as if it might be from you, its your idealised self, not your core self talking, like ‘you know your husband/mother loves you very much’ , its not I… This also works in emails, to disguise the tenses, persons and voices, to confuse. If you’re not sure of this, use ‘God’ instead… like ‘God wouldn’t want you to get angry’, or ‘God loves you’ (even if I dont).
17. An extra one. Forget that you said any of these things. Every time. They didnt hear you properly when you said it, you dont remember saying it, they must have misheard you, and if you did say it how they interpreted it want what you meant. This utterly wastes their time, because theyve spent a while reacting to what you did actually say, and now you are disputing your own words, which of course you have every right to do so, and it makes them think they are crazy. You can even go further and then suggest they need their hearing tested.

Sounds harsh? It happens… a lot.

So, here’s how to gaslight and silence people. Here’s how to keep your abuse victim quiet, confused and bewildered, scared and questioning their reality. Here’s how to use language to create a culture of fear and manipulation, and for you to sit in a place of power.

If you are reading this and are horrified that I am giving away tips to abusers, then wait.

It’s very very unlikely that anyone abusive is going to read this, it is more likely that you are. You. Someone who has experienced this kind of behaviour. Because you googled the phrase ‘too sensitive’ or ‘verbal abuse’ or ‘Darvo’ or ‘Victim mentality’ or ‘self awareness’ or ‘projection’. Someone who is abusive doesn’t read a book on how to be abusive, somehow, their protectors just know, and their wounded ego can do the rest. That person isn’t going to read this list.

But if you have heard these, you are more armed. You are using your brain, you utterly clever brave courageous soul, you are resourcing yourself with the tools of your abuser, and working out their similar strategies, because they are all the same. The words being only slightly different, I’ve seen and been told almost all of these in 40 years, some more than once, and more by women than men, though I know men say these things too. There are only so many patterns and phrases in their textbook, once you’ve seen the ones above, you’ll notice them all.

Can we also broaden this out from individual relationships, to systems and structures too? How many churches wouldnt recognise these kinds of behaviours? how many might even see these as ‘normal’ ? What about in safeguarding situations? What happens when people try and defend their roles or positions or reputations? Lying to defend is too blatant, but 1/4 truth hidden in manipulation (and spiritual language) can go a long way.

Im sorry that you had to read this list, but if you have said any of these, then it’s time also to stop, reflect and listen, to the damage you have done. If you have heard these, if you hear these in the present, do consider getting help, support and emotional safety, because it might well be time that you are treated better, respected, listened to and heard.

Have you heard any more? do add them in the comments below, to share and build up a resource of them.