How did (my brothers and) I learn kindness, trust and loving fun when not a single one of these was a consistent part of my parents marriage?
Anne Lamott, Dusk Night Dawn (2021)
This is a fascinating question. Dont you think?
Ive often wondered similarly. I think Anne Lamott book has given me permission to explore this further:
How did I learn about love? – when feelings were hidden or false
How did I learn about kindness- when the dominant parent only stole
How did I learn trust – when, to this day, it wasn’t a word used at all
How did I learn…anything at all?
I don’t remember being taught anything at all?
I remember being told of for not being able to do something. For not ‘growing up’ and being able to do something.
I didnt see love, only felt fear.
And when I think about it, what did I learn at all?
I learned to stay quiet, make no noise, dont be inconvenient – only room for one person with temper and anger in the house.
Tip toe on around the eggshells.
I learned to conform, or be punished
I learned to put myself to one side, learning to orient around the other.
I learned to hide the good parts of me, revealing only I safe places
I learned that I had to grow up fast
I learned loyalty
I learned sides
I learned to shut down
I learned to be self reliant
I learned that I had to leave childhood behind – and be mature
I learned to accept little, limited and not question – to manage without
when others had.
I learned survival
I learned I couldn’t be helpless, couldn’t ask, couldn’t want or need.
Thats interesting isnt it.
I learned that I couldn’t be helpless.
There was only one child allowed in the house. Trophy children aren’t allowed to be messy, be themselves, have emotion, be understood.
Ive just finished reading ‘Dibs in search of self’ (1964) I found it fascinating on a number of levels. In one interaction between Dibs (aged 6) and the Play therapist, she (Virginia) notes that on one occasion Dibs asks her to ‘help me with my shoe, help me with my coat’ – In a rare moment of helplessness. Helplessness was a luxury that I couldn’t afford. I just had to know things. If I was told once how to do something, that was it, expected to know, like the toddler tasks of wiping my own bum or tieing my own shoelaces. I remember looking with scorn at the children at primary school who couldn’t do their laces. I mean couldn’t everyone. No, what I couldn’t see was that they had the luxury of helplessness, they didnt have to grow up and know. I had to.
If I had to ‘just know’ how to tie my shoelaces. I had to work out most things for myself. I knew there was no point in crying for help, it wasnt going to come.
I couldn’t be helpless, so I judged others for being able to be. I learned projection from age 5. To hide what I didnt have.
So, what about kindness, what about love? What about gentleness, joy or peace?
Its funny that for an evangelical childhood home – how these were absent.
There was soothing and accommodating. There was helpfulness. There was hiding. There was avoiding.
Maybe I didnt need to learn love. I just needed to uncover it. Maybe that more part of my (and your) core and its waiting to spring from the deep of layers of pain or shame or hurt or guilt. But it still makes me doubt? Am I loving enough – do I need to have learned it to give it?
im in a space where I’m reflecting on what I learned, or how I learned from my parents.
Theres a part 2 on this coming soon too..
But – what about you – what did you learn, and how did you learn from your parents? if anything at all?
For all that I have described the details of the abuse I suffered.
What if it was just me.
What if it was just me, and my family who suffered and experienced the monster. Our Monster.
Because, its very likely isnt it?
Thats the game they play – jackal in public – hyde away in private.
Public persona – just about gets through – unless challenged, unhinged or worked out
Ensuring that the suffering goes on alone.
Ensuring that the suffering isn’t believed
What if it was just me – because thats more than likely – isnt it?
The Family.
They can put on ‘literal’ Sunday best behaviour out there – for an hour a Sunday, or 9-5 Monday to Friday.
Have friends or allies.
Meanwhile – was I the only one?
Was is just my family whose lives were wrecked by her?
I mean – would anyone in their jobs ever see it?
Would they ever make a complaint?
Would they diminish it, or be scared of it?
Would they ever see it – and choose to ignore it?
Triangulated?
Whilst the family suffered?
But thats the thing isnt it
Men who abuse their wives – play a great round of golf, talk the talk,
Women who abuse their husbands – playing the kindly one as teacher, vicar or nurse…or a dominant sales person ready to lie for money
Hiding behind the social norm, that it’s only men who are abusive
Could be the person in your workplace, and you wouldn’t know it
Part of their game, hiding parts of their life away
So, the family know, they’ve felt the scars
We’ve then done the lifelong work, amateur psychologists trying work the monster out, professional therapy patients in recovery, healing with survivors gift
Took us, took me, a long time to realise what it was.
But can they act out a normal living whilst they’ve abused so appallingly? How is that even possible?
The psychopath at large, choosing victims appropriately. Playing the victim appropriately.
Darvo games
Only leaving the obvious trail amongst the unheard, silenced, victims
But leaving a trail elsewhere, that only the aware can spot.
So maybe only the family got abused.
Only the family saw their splintered personality at large
Only the family felt the cold
Only the family were stolen from, emotionally, physically and financially
Maybe it was only just the abused who know the abuser.
The truth has set us free – whilst they lie to everyone else.
So maybe it was just me, just us.
The victims who know and see – who saw and felt
It really cant just have been me?
But what if it was – what if its ‘just’ family.
They couldn’t do that – could they – be so good to get away with it elsewhere?
Or has that trail waiting to be discovered? Has no one come forward? Too scared or terrified?
The shame of being a victim, shame of exposing them, silenced into silence.
What if there are other stories waiting to be told? What if it wasn’t just me?
I wouldn’t know – until one of them was brave. Until one of them got angry, until one of them took a stand, but what if that story is dead? – unable to speak?
Its not possible to be just me – it cant be- can it?
Whats hidden in places, what trail was left behind, what tales behind closed doors never come to the open?
Theres no shame in being a victim of my monster, in speaking out – talk to us, talk to me – I already know. You are not to blame.
It cant just have been me – cant just have been family, can it?
Surely others can see?
Thank you for reading this piece, if you would like to respond to me, do so via my contact details, if you have stories of your own regarding my monster, then I would love to hear from you. Know that I will listen and it was not your fault.
They know that they need to use other people to get people to do things for them
They know that they cant take responsibility
They know that when they write to you
So, they write with only wanting to win or get something from you in mind.
Therefore:
What does this mean for the abusive, emotionally immature parent and how they communicate? – especially when its in writing – via email or text?
Well, thats when it gets weird.
They cant hide, what Gary Zukav describes as their split consciousness or personalities – in fact its often the place where it is most revealed.
they cant get away with more verbally as it spews out so quickly – but in writing….
These are just some of the examples of weirdness in emails I have received in the last 20 odd years.
The Formal. Their professional life is when they feel ‘safe’ or accepted – so they revert to using only professional language within their family communications. A formal note to let you know that ‘the Professor ______ (Mum or Dad to you) is moving jobs and is inviting you to a service of celebration’ or a formal text directing you to do something – that sounds as if your boss wrote it, not a parent. Its dissociation from any attachment to parental role. Writing to you in the third person. They know they’ve been awful at it so they are avoiding it.
The Confused tense. Its like an email that was written by 4 separate people but was only written by one of them. It could start with ‘your mother’ then ‘I’ is as in their professional role (again), then theres a ‘Mum’ at the end, and a PS referring to ‘Your Dad’ it could be all over the place in terms of who is writing it. They could throw in a few first names in their too.
Hide and Seek. This is when the abusive one gets the other parent to write the email, because you haven’t responded for the 3rd/4th/5th time to theirs. But – there will be clues that its not really the other parent that has written it. And if it is, it will have had to go through the abusive parent screening process – or been written together. Remember when Ivanka Trump wrote that formal statement/email one time… – who do you think wrote it… exactly. Often the negotiator parent is the other parent, actual abuser hides away.
Find the sympathy ; This is when the abusive parent uses the other one to cause you to feel guilty. They do this because they know that they cant illicit any sympathy from you about them, even though they try. So its like dad writing; ‘ Your mother was very upset when…. ‘ or mum writing; ‘ Dad was angry when ….’ They willl rarely say ‘I was upset when’ if they have to have control of the communication, but know that they cant illicit the sympathy, so they use someone else.
The Contradictions: Each communication is a contradiction. There will be one thing they want from it – and this is usually embedded in a whole load of extraneous confusing manipulative rubbish, or where the title and content of the email make absolutely no coherance whatsoever.
The Giveaway. Somewhere in the communication, they will give away something that they feel gives them the upper hand, to make you threatened. So they’ll say something like ‘ Hows the new job going?’ – when you know you haven’t told them – but they’ve got the information from somewhere, someone, or by stalking you on social media.. they give it away, because they want you to stew over how they know. They might giveaway a whole host of other things, theres usually one or two in there. Like I say, they leave a trail….
The Trigger. They love this. As Lindsay Gibson writes, they will use Guilt, shame, fear or duty to try and get you to do what they want you to do (Gibson 2019) . (you just have to work out which it is) – Some where there is a trigger in it of one of these. Another trigger cause be some like their give away, or just some thing that causes you to respond as in a trauma state – fight, flight, fawn, freeze etc, they do it deliberately. Why? – because they want a response, any response is attention, any angry response and they have won. They just want to win.
Triangulation tactics: Watch for all the items where they want information from you about other people – because those other people aren’t giving them information – and dont be their mole. Also – watch for all the times where they want to be the beholders of information and control by swirling drama – like sharing news about a family members illness – only to when you get this checked out with someone else it wasnt anything like as bad as it was. They were just using it to make themselves look like they were concerned and to have some communication. I used to get ‘ ______ is really ill at the moment we think she might be on their last few days, but dont worry about coming to visit’ – What does this reveal? exactly – and when I could spot it… The person wasnt as ill, and then I got the information from better sources.
Old Memories. Theres a reason why that parent might refer you back to a time when ‘things were rosy’ and ‘how much your parents loved you’ or ‘those happy holidays in 1972’ – because…. they might well have been the happiest time for them, in regard to you – it was a time when you hadn’t worked them out yet (you were only 7) or had only just met them in the family (you just got engaged to them, if it was your ex or their parents) – the past is littered with memories that they had of you – but you probably didn’t share – or their was so many other memories that could also be had that even on the same holiday others didnt share. they might have had a great time in 1972 – but its unlikely anyone else on the same holiday did. They take you back – to see if they can ‘win’ by appealing to a time…
Emotional Projection. Its a bit like the formal writing of number 1, but slightly more subtle. Its more like you are their emotional dump ground where they want to tell you everything about them, their pains, ailments (sympathy), how ___ treated them (playing victim) , the price of petrol, money worries (shared pain – I want your empathy) , a struggle to overcome (be proud of me) , I did a thing (look at me) , Im about to do a thing please come and see me do a thing (look at me, they love showing off by the way) , complaints about so and so in the family (are you on my side?) , look at them being all such and such (but dont look at my faults and weaknesses) – they’re pulling you into their drama.
Watch for their (fake) concern. In amongst all of 1-10 – they might also give you this. A tiny little line in which they show some concern for you – its like the hamster trying to exist in a cage of snakes, the chocolate square in a lemon soup. Everything else is sour, sharp and dangerous – yet theres a tiny shred of something in amongst it to pull at a different bit of heartstrings. Those heart strings that have raged, numbed, been shredded by the other 90% of it – this is the bit that tempts you to go ; ‘ but they’re not that bad, look at least they’re trying’ – yeah – that hamster has got no change. Its not like a candle in the darkness, bearing warmth to everything else. Its a tantalising piece of concern chocolate in a soup of thick lemon, bitter, and out of place and context. A trap.
The Pained Ask: If they want to get you to fix their fence – they will find a way of guilting you into it – if they want just a reply- they will find a way. What they rarely do though is just ask the question. They won’t say ‘ Could you pop around and fix the fence please’ they’re more likely to say ‘Your Mother and I require your assistance to fix the fence’ (formal) or ‘Can you believe the fence fell down again and the dog escaped, next door went mad when she dug their roses, and she’ll do it again if you cant come around’ – their ask is embedded in so much other stuff…because they want to make it hard for you to say no. They think you’re more likely to care about the neighbours roses than them. Speed is a tactic of the emotionally immature – they want you to jump when they say.
The lies and often the Bullshit. Almost everyone from an abusive, self-absorbed, narcissistic psychopathic parent will be lies. Treat it as such, its their life script – to win at every interaction and do everything to do so – they generally do not care how. Get everything checked out if you can. They are likely to make stuff up or have no regard for truth at all – just to get a response.
Because of all of this, the lack of coherance, the ‘WTF’ reactions, the contradictions and manipulative asking – as a combination (and some emails can include all of this) – they convey nothing like what a ‘decent’ parent might actually communicate. But, most of the time, its been what you have been used to for your entire life, the weirdness thats so hard to explain, and only when someone else reads it do they provide you with clarity and validation of their abusiveness. What they often dont want to do is be completely threatening, offensive and – so what they look to do, is be just on the line, and make it look as though its a polite nice email – when actually it so loaded its nothing other than a continuation of fear, guilt and control tactics.
What to do when they get in touch? – look for all the clues – breathe and step away. You don’t need to respond, it doesn’t matter what the urgency is they exclaim – often they can find someone else- but are hoping you are still under their spell.
What do I learn from all of this – that from an early age – I become a studier of persons and interested in psychology.
Often its the emails that a hidden away, we lock them in a terror box, in the spam folder, read once and never to see the light of day, (and no I haven’t just received one) – I rarely hear discussed is email communication by abusive parents/people – and so I thought I would bring some of these weird tactics to the light.
For more on dealing with Emotionally Immature parents I strongly recommend Lindsay Gibsons books, or Nina Browns – both have excellent guidance, checklists, examples and give so many good tips on dealing with narcissistic parents. (I have put links in the resources page above)
Thank you for reading and being part of this journey as I have shared chapters and sections of my story of surviving abusive parenting – all the sections are in the menu above.
What are the weird things that you’re abusive/narcissistic parents write to you?
(before you blocked them or put them in their place)
Stalking, tends to be focussed on one type in the media. Men grooming young people, or partners in an abusive relationship. The day after I wrote this piece, I saw this one on the BBC website
but it is defined as
Stalking is defined as a pattern of unwanted behavior, directed at a specific person, which causes that person to change their routine or feel afraid, nervous or in danger. Examples of stalking behaviors include: Repeated, unwanted phone calls, texts, messages, etc. that may or may not be threatening.
But it happens with Parents too.
If you know, you know.
They continue to watch.
Doesnt matter if you think you got rid of them.
They continue to watch.
They continue to search
They continue to find ways of interrupting.
When you close them off from your life
Even Parents.
They are desperate to know everything about you
They are desperate to be in the ‘know’
As the ‘trophy’ child they were desperate to show me off – so this requires information
The scapegoat child gets no time, is constantly harassed and their movements controlled
Happens to each child in different ways at different times.
They continue to stalk.
Doing so in the name of ‘We’re just looking out for you’
though more accurately its so that they can tell their friends about us, without actually having any contact
It’s stalking and harassment.
and its to unsettle and alarm.
Because, what they also do, is give away that they are looking.
They cant help themselves.
In fact they love giving themselves away…
Its like they want you to know that you’re still not safe from them.
Its like they want you to know that that you’re being watched – and controlled
Its like they still want to cause fear.
Taken from Gloucestershire Police
So they give themselves away.
‘I notice on facebook that…..’
or
‘I dont think you should be having conversations about ……’ – things that they obviously saw on a you tube channel.
or somewhere in an email – to you or to someone else.
They set up social media accounts, to keep an eye on you, changing them often.
It’s usually embedded in a different message, but they like to give away something to just let you know.
Of course if you dont know, you might think im being paranoid – but thats the thing, if this hasn’t been what you have had to deal with you’re not likely to get it. Parental Harassment.
Theres can be the weak mole in the family – usually the flying monkey
The one who maintains contact with them – enough so that their inch is a proverbial HS2 of a railway scheme.
The unsuspecting mole gets
‘We don’t hear from _______, have you heard from them’?
‘________ doesnt speak to us any more , are they ok?’
‘ Last time we saw _______, they we’re doing ______, is this still the case? ‘
‘I bet you’ve seen _____ since we have______’
The favoured child is only favoured whilst they are the sharer of information and does what they want.
The unsuspecting mole, faces the dilemma to say nothing. say no- and face a reaction. This can happen over phone, email or face to face- obviously. Or they give away all the information, because they are terrified too or that they cant see the issue for what it is.
‘But they’re worried about you’ you might say… thats what ‘normal’ parents might be like. It doesn’t work for the psychopaths and narcissist parents (or the emotionally immature as Lindsay Gibson writes). They dont possess these emotions in any genuine way- they worry about themselves and their reputation, they worry that they might be damaged, there is no genuine worry.
They use other family members to get gossip about the person they are trying to keep track of. They go as far as using friends in the same way, and social media.
They are probably reading this. And thats the thing, until you decide to hide everything and go completely underground they aren’t going to know. But what about living our lives and exposing them for who and what they are. Their behaviour is not my shame to carry.
Parental Stalking does happen, and its something we need to talk about alot more.
When it happens and you’re in the middle of it its terrifying.
Yes, of course they deny it…. but then again… part of their pattern is to deny things, misremember things…
So It’s time to talk about it, time to put it in the open.
Time to state the horrors of what abusive parents will do to their own children.
Has this happened to you? Have you experience of parents who stalk you?
We all do this, in whatever we do and however we are. As I am writing job application forms at the moment, I realise that I have an employment trail, and also a trail of where I have interacted with people, young people, my employers, stakeholders, churches, organisations and communities, as well as in personal friendships and relationships. We all leave a trail, sometimes its in places and in ways we can be proud of, sometimes in ways where we might wish it could have been better – but we all leave a trail, and, in the most part much of that trail we can look at, and leave in the past, yes there might be the one job or relationship that didnt go well, but if it was something we learned from and responded to….
Abusers leave trails too.
Trails of destruction all over the place- for most, if not all of their lives
Trails of terror and damage – to most – but not all people
But surely, someone would find out eventually? Surely they might get caught?
You say that, but then again:
And, for legal reasons Im not indicating that Johnson is abusive, but what I am saying is that his trail of behaviour has been well known – ie since school times. This image has done the rounds this week, but it could easily have done the rounds at any time in the last 10 years.
Analysing the behaviour of a Public figure from distance is one thing, but what about the abusers in our more immediate circumstances, in families, communities and organisations?
Trails are still there.
Imagine the person you just started a relationship with – and their ex is on the phone telling you about what that person did before – do you believe them, or think that they are the hysterical one – what would the person you are in a relationship with want you to believe? What red flags do you miss? or ignore – and why do you ignore them?
What about the person in the workplace who somehow manages to create division in settled teams and then manages to get promotions each time?
What about the trails an abusive person in a family might leave as residues of toxicity and festering stink all around?
They leave a trail. They always leave a trail.
And what do they rely on – to maintain that trail?
A few things.
Dividing up people. This they do in a number of ways. Often they ensure that the people who have authority in situations only see their good side – and then those they abuse who are vulnerable and not believed. Another way is to keep people apart. It took a number of years for me to engage in conversations with my family about the parents – conversations that I was joining in on that others had already started. The Stories were all the same – everyone had been shamed, abused, belittled – and everyone had been divided.
They can abuse everyone they meet, though they leave a trail with everyone. Usually its the cold, numb feeling, or its emails that dont make sense. Often charismatic but empty.
Because of 1. They rely on moving around a lot. Keep the residue far far away.
Another way of dividing people is the scapegoating and triangulation. Playing people off each other.
Sympathy and Gossip. This works especially well in communities of faith, where sympathy and gossip sadly go hand in hand – but families too. If the abuser can generate enough sympathy from people and create a narrative where everyone else is the problem – and not be kept accountable for – then this divides. Whilst everyone else is the problem – then the trail isnt being looked out for.
They rely on people being too scared to come forward. Too scared because they have been abused, too scared because they dont think they’ll be believed, too scared because of the damage that ‘it might cause’ – too scared because they have been made to think that they are alone – too scared also, because there abuser is now getting profile, is in a public position, is gaining power, in whatever way – whether its twitter followers, platform, role or status. Too scared also, because they know that their abuser will have a created fan club – who ride on their sympathy for them. So – the places where the trail has been left – stay silent. For the moment. But- there is a trail. (and theres a legal system thats expensive too)
And others dont come forward…because they say they dont want to be part of the drama – their silence benefits the abuser.
The trail can be so shocking – that silence is kept – because no one thinks you’re going to be believed. Stories that movies are made of in the years after. If it takes a year to get evidence from a high profile garden party, even in a mass communication age, no wonder other cases have taken years to get to court. But because no one suspected anything at the time – no one was looking…
“they couldn’t do that – they’re a (insert respected profession) ‘
‘I cant believe a ‘Mother’ would do such a thing’….
‘Thats just _____ being ____ – you cant change them
‘Aren’t you just being paranoid – say one of your ‘friends’ to you…
See how the trail is kept hidden away? See how those who have had experience of the trail are kept silent?
Since many psychopaths deceive close family and friends – the victims who are there easiest to target and pose the least risk for psychopaths – they remain undetected and can continue
The pattern is very common – Psychopaths have a parasitic lifestyle. They enjoy eating at nice restaurants but it is you that foots the bill. (a literal example in many cases)
The psychopath thinks they have a right to commit these transgressions since they stand above all the rest of us
Thomas Erikson Surrounded by Psychopaths (2019)
Hidden away, there are trails of communications, emails, facebook messages, conversations – where so many tiny or maybe large sprinkles of lead are left, grey and smouldering from them. That rely on someone putting it all together. Jimmy Saville relied on none of the institutions talking to each other – and the BBC fame – so he felt untouchable – but he left a trail both of victims and also in every interview.
They leave a trail.
A trail that relies on many people piecing it together.
But theres something else.
Because control, power and winning are usually the modus operandi of abusers – as their trail gets bigger and effectively they get away with it from an early age – what they then do is boast about their trail. In the moment of questioning – they reveal how many companies they closed, how many partners they slept with, how many people ‘love them’. That boasting of their trail, of the damage they have done, forms part of a new trail – and is evidence of how confident they are that their trail is being maintained, hidden and kept quiet.
And more especially – its winning, power and control in the moment – every conversation and interaction is about these things. The trail doesn’t matter to them. They dont care anyone is hurting because of them, they just care about the moment – and winning in that moment. It seems odd to the rest of us who can see journeys and connections in our lives, and reflect and learn from the choices we made… We see this in the press all the time, the inconsistencies of stories about refugee and asylum seekers vs lack of people to pick fruit and Brexit. Its the story in the immediate vs the narrative over time. Abusive people rely on the moment – and no-one coming forward to piece together the pieces of a toxic jigsaw.
Apologies are what you say when you can see that what you did in the past was wrong. It relies on memory and awareness of consequence. Even when a trail is brought to the attention of authorities- when people have come forward – when evidence is shown – denials, mistruths, and still blaming others might still be the response. ‘Why did they come forward now’? ‘they’re just after my money?’ ‘they’ll ruin my ministry?’ ‘I dont remember doing that!’ .
They leave a trail. They always leave a trail. Often they are proud of their trail.
How do you deal with it?
Personally self awareness. Organisationally – education on emotional abuse and collective self awareness, and a load more besides. Its harder to see there trail when we’re in a rush. Its harder to see the trail when we’re not looking for it. Its harder to see the trail when we dont want to believe it exists.
The reality is that the trail is only what is able to be evidenced. Research has shown that survivors are usually factual, and that the truth – as high profile lawsuits are revealing – is that the extend of the trails is far far greater than what is known.
There is more to write on this I’m sure. But thats all for this piece.
Thank you for reading, this grim piece about the trails left by abusers in their wake, and how they deal with them, with the same patterns. I hope that this, and other articles and links on this website are helpful. If you can support me in this writing please do click the link, and do share with others links to the website and new facebook page.
If you can financially support my work, please do so here: thank you
I will write other pieces on lighter subjects again, as this one took a while to write, bringing in examples from different examples of abusive situations.
There are resources in the menu above too, do take a look.
We are all together alone, and these are just wishes, and I am just dreaming
Perfect Place, Voice of the Beehive 1991
That was one of my favourite songs as a young teenager. I still have the cassette tape.
Something clearly resonated.
A song that said something about being together, and alone.
Thats what my family was like.
We are all together, alone.
Growing up alone.
Thats what I had to do.
People dont spend time with you in your family home when your Mother is a monster.
People stay away.
There are rare family get togethers, where everyone treads the same ongoing eggshells. Waiting for the landmines to be walked on.
And when you do spend time with people – as soon as they leave the house
Monster mother invalidates them.
‘They’re only here to sell something’ or ‘They should make more effort to see us’ or as they leave, after an argument, an abrupt ending – then they never come back.
Then theres the role playing.
The Categories that everyone in the family is given and has to fit into. So and So is ‘always’ doing this, or ‘________ is such a bully’ or ‘do you think _______ will ever grow up?’ Roles of scapegoat, bully, favourite etc played out all around – that as a child I couldn’t see. But it meant there was little connection.
So people stay away.
But its not just the extended family who stay away.
Within the family – its wholly divided up.
Its the only way a monster maintains their power.
Dad cant be trusted, as he’s her helper and investigator – and sworn loyalty
Siblings hide too. They, she is as alone as I am.
And then that leaves me.
Growing up alone.
Finding family in the books, Charlies Family with a chocolate factor, Matildas School teacher, Dannys practical fun dad Dad with the sparkling eyes. Finding Family in other peoples families, the youth leaders and their foster children (and their own), finding family with other adults in the church. These were the safe people to have family with.
Friends weren’t safe, not all the time.
Unless a friend didnt want to come back to my house. Then it was ok.
‘Why doesnt ________ come back to the house?’ – err no, why should they? – I prefer being at theirs being anywhere but here She would play nice with them in person – like the Birthday parties from when I was 8, or when id here ‘Your mum isnt as bad as you say she is’ – nope – thats because in that hour she kind of put on a false mask.
So, in the end, I avoided having friends, close friends too. It was kind of a safety mechanism, for me, and for them. Id have friends that we would do school together or where they didnt mind me going to their house, their park/community etc. But id learnt very quickly that the only way to be safe was to keep these people away, keep secrets.
I have been describing this series as surviving psychopathic parenting, and I think after 23 parts to it, you have been able to tell what its like, and, piecing together all the parts, will create a picture, do look up the menu above for parts 1-22.
It is growing up alone.
And strangely, also, growing up in a false type of alone as no one actually realises or can comprehend that you are alone. ‘But you have both parents’ or those few moments of ‘being family’ and everyone is together. There is no happiness or joy in any family photos. Nothing. Hiding behind the surface of what ‘looks’ like a normal, nuclear, are people, victims of abuse, children, who are utterly alone.
The double whammy of not being able to describe it, but feeling that constant ache, that constant emptiness of being completely utterly emotionally alone.
Emotionally self dependant. Had to rely on whatever I knew of myself.
It’s so multilayered, that even now its hard to describe. How a monster in one family divides everyone up, how they offer nothing but neglect, how they project behaviours, how they make accusations, so that you recoil, how they play victim when threatened, how they dominate, so that in reality, everyone feels alone – no one can trust anyone, the rumours go all around…
I mean: How on earth can a child describe emotional aloneness that pervades everything? – when it looks like the ‘family’ is together.
If this ring true for you, in a domestic abuse relationship, with either partner or parents do seek help, and if this provokes thoughts that you would want to investigate further, do look up the resources on the menu page above.
‘We’re free from the death camps – but we must also be free to – free to create, to make a life, to choose. And until we find our freedom to, we’re just spinning around in the same endless darkness’
Edith Eğer ( The Choice)
I get this.
Time plays havoc on the possibility of something new
Moreover, accurately, trauma plays havoc with time.
Its like it wants to pull you back to that thing – because in the present there’s a reminder of it, sometimes this is certain, other times is unintentional. It was almost likely that I would find something resonating in Ediths book about surviving a death camp, but in a way I was ready for it.
Other times the moment hits you when you least expect it.
I think thats why when I write about my life, and write blogs theres not always a simple thread. Some im revealing the hurts, some I’m revealing myself, some are about the process of rebuilding, some are about the methods, some are about a future as yet unknown, full of possibility.
Sometimes its about realising that I have a choice to, a choice to spin in there endless darkness – and how does that balance with writing about a story, reflecting and learning so that it might do the same for others?
But what about freedom?
What freedom is there, after trauma?
Well, there is every freedom, isnt there? Maybe theres even more on days when we feel like we’ve conquered monsters – revealed them – on other days its feels like a fog in which the future that has never been certain, still is.
What about the freedom to choose to forgive?
The freedom to choose to share our story?
The freedom to live, in a quiet place and be away from everyone?
The freedom to hide?
The freedom to choose to do life in the way we want to? Given the contrast between the abusive control that had held it so far?
The freedom to choose not to fix someone else – instead of focussing on myself
The freedom to feel my own emotions
The freedom to not people please
The freedom to walk out the door
The freedom to have a safe house
The freedom to construct boundaries
The freedom to be able to make decisions
The freedom to not know
The freedom to be the didn’t think it was possible me
The freedom to choose
The freedom to smile
The freedom to have fun
The freedom to rediscover myself
The freedom to see the spinning, and step off the roller coaster
and as Edith says:
The freedom to have life
for the first time
Maybe theres no point being free, if you don’t know what to do with it – the temptation as Edith shares is that for so many freedom is terrifying and it was easier for some prisoners of war to stay within the prison walls, those who want to keep you captive make it so hard for you to want to experience freedom, or to have the confidence or self belief too.
Edith also writes ; ‘When you have something to prove, you aren’t free’
let that sink in a moment…
And thats it isnt it, in places of abuse and torture , you dont know where you stand, playing guessing games on a hot bed of eggshells, always trying to prove, please, or appease.
I spent far too long in my life trying to meet invisible expectations to people who were never satisfied, grateful or happy… or staying in situations of abuse just to prove them wrong. How shit is that? But that was my first 40 years of life.
So, once we feel the freedom, of the breeze on our faces, the water on our feet, the freedom to start again, the freedom that feels light and fun, even to choose how to spend the small amounts of money that we might be left with, its still freedom.. its about continuing to walk in the direction of freedom, in the direction of opportunity, in the direction of life.
James Ballantyne 