We all do this, in whatever we do and however we are. As I am writing job application forms at the moment, I realise that I have an employment trail, and also a trail of where I have interacted with people, young people, my employers, stakeholders, churches, organisations and communities, as well as in personal friendships and relationships. We all leave a trail, sometimes its in places and in ways we can be proud of, sometimes in ways where we might wish it could have been better – but we all leave a trail, and, in the most part much of that trail we can look at, and leave in the past, yes there might be the one job or relationship that didnt go well, but if it was something we learned from and responded to….
Abusers leave trails too.
Trails of destruction all over the place- for most, if not all of their lives
Trails of terror and damage – to most – but not all people
But surely, someone would find out eventually? Surely they might get caught?
You say that, but then again:
And, for legal reasons Im not indicating that Johnson is abusive, but what I am saying is that his trail of behaviour has been well known – ie since school times. This image has done the rounds this week, but it could easily have done the rounds at any time in the last 10 years.
Analysing the behaviour of a Public figure from distance is one thing, but what about the abusers in our more immediate circumstances, in families, communities and organisations?
Trails are still there.
Imagine the person you just started a relationship with – and their ex is on the phone telling you about what that person did before – do you believe them, or think that they are the hysterical one – what would the person you are in a relationship with want you to believe? What red flags do you miss? or ignore – and why do you ignore them?
What about the person in the workplace who somehow manages to create division in settled teams and then manages to get promotions each time?
What about the trails an abusive person in a family might leave as residues of toxicity and festering stink all around?
They leave a trail. They always leave a trail.
And what do they rely on – to maintain that trail?
A few things.
Dividing up people. This they do in a number of ways. Often they ensure that the people who have authority in situations only see their good side – and then those they abuse who are vulnerable and not believed. Another way is to keep people apart. It took a number of years for me to engage in conversations with my family about the parents – conversations that I was joining in on that others had already started. The Stories were all the same – everyone had been shamed, abused, belittled – and everyone had been divided.
They can abuse everyone they meet, though they leave a trail with everyone. Usually its the cold, numb feeling, or its emails that dont make sense. Often charismatic but empty.
Because of 1. They rely on moving around a lot. Keep the residue far far away.
Another way of dividing people is the scapegoating and triangulation. Playing people off each other.
Sympathy and Gossip. This works especially well in communities of faith, where sympathy and gossip sadly go hand in hand – but families too. If the abuser can generate enough sympathy from people and create a narrative where everyone else is the problem – and not be kept accountable for – then this divides. Whilst everyone else is the problem – then the trail isnt being looked out for.
They rely on people being too scared to come forward. Too scared because they have been abused, too scared because they dont think they’ll be believed, too scared because of the damage that ‘it might cause’ – too scared because they have been made to think that they are alone – too scared also, because there abuser is now getting profile, is in a public position, is gaining power, in whatever way – whether its twitter followers, platform, role or status. Too scared also, because they know that their abuser will have a created fan club – who ride on their sympathy for them. So – the places where the trail has been left – stay silent. For the moment. But- there is a trail. (and theres a legal system thats expensive too)
And others dont come forward…because they say they dont want to be part of the drama – their silence benefits the abuser.
The trail can be so shocking – that silence is kept – because no one thinks you’re going to be believed. Stories that movies are made of in the years after. If it takes a year to get evidence from a high profile garden party, even in a mass communication age, no wonder other cases have taken years to get to court. But because no one suspected anything at the time – no one was looking…
“they couldn’t do that – they’re a (insert respected profession) ‘
‘I cant believe a ‘Mother’ would do such a thing’….
‘Thats just _____ being ____ – you cant change them
‘Aren’t you just being paranoid – say one of your ‘friends’ to you…
See how the trail is kept hidden away? See how those who have had experience of the trail are kept silent?
Since many psychopaths deceive close family and friends – the victims who are there easiest to target and pose the least risk for psychopaths – they remain undetected and can continue
The pattern is very common – Psychopaths have a parasitic lifestyle. They enjoy eating at nice restaurants but it is you that foots the bill. (a literal example in many cases)
The psychopath thinks they have a right to commit these transgressions since they stand above all the rest of us
Thomas Erikson Surrounded by Psychopaths (2019)
Hidden away, there are trails of communications, emails, facebook messages, conversations – where so many tiny or maybe large sprinkles of lead are left, grey and smouldering from them. That rely on someone putting it all together. Jimmy Saville relied on none of the institutions talking to each other – and the BBC fame – so he felt untouchable – but he left a trail both of victims and also in every interview.
They leave a trail.
A trail that relies on many people piecing it together.
But theres something else.
Because control, power and winning are usually the modus operandi of abusers – as their trail gets bigger and effectively they get away with it from an early age – what they then do is boast about their trail. In the moment of questioning – they reveal how many companies they closed, how many partners they slept with, how many people ‘love them’. That boasting of their trail, of the damage they have done, forms part of a new trail – and is evidence of how confident they are that their trail is being maintained, hidden and kept quiet.
And more especially – its winning, power and control in the moment – every conversation and interaction is about these things. The trail doesn’t matter to them. They dont care anyone is hurting because of them, they just care about the moment – and winning in that moment. It seems odd to the rest of us who can see journeys and connections in our lives, and reflect and learn from the choices we made… We see this in the press all the time, the inconsistencies of stories about refugee and asylum seekers vs lack of people to pick fruit and Brexit. Its the story in the immediate vs the narrative over time. Abusive people rely on the moment – and no-one coming forward to piece together the pieces of a toxic jigsaw.
Apologies are what you say when you can see that what you did in the past was wrong. It relies on memory and awareness of consequence. Even when a trail is brought to the attention of authorities- when people have come forward – when evidence is shown – denials, mistruths, and still blaming others might still be the response. ‘Why did they come forward now’? ‘they’re just after my money?’ ‘they’ll ruin my ministry?’ ‘I dont remember doing that!’ .
They leave a trail. They always leave a trail. Often they are proud of their trail.
How do you deal with it?
Personally self awareness. Organisationally – education on emotional abuse and collective self awareness, and a load more besides. Its harder to see there trail when we’re in a rush. Its harder to see the trail when we’re not looking for it. Its harder to see the trail when we dont want to believe it exists.
The reality is that the trail is only what is able to be evidenced. Research has shown that survivors are usually factual, and that the truth – as high profile lawsuits are revealing – is that the extend of the trails is far far greater than what is known.
There is more to write on this I’m sure. But thats all for this piece.
Thank you for reading, this grim piece about the trails left by abusers in their wake, and how they deal with them, with the same patterns. I hope that this, and other articles and links on this website are helpful. If you can support me in this writing please do click the link, and do share with others links to the website and new facebook page.
If you can financially support my work, please do so here: thank you
I will write other pieces on lighter subjects again, as this one took a while to write, bringing in examples from different examples of abusive situations.
There are resources in the menu above too, do take a look.
I realised this week that I’ve been able to breathe for 2 years now, these were the first two years I’d been able to breathe in my whole life
I remember when I walked into the flat 25 months ago and being emotional in front of the estate agent. Realising that this was going to be my space, my space to look after, my space to look after myself in, my space , haven, calm
My space, to make home. To light candles, listen to music, read, and enjoy life in my own pace.
My space to determine boundaries of what I listen to, read or who I allow in
My space to look forward to coming home to after leaving it
My safe space
I can breathe
Stop and slow down
41 years of emotionally abusive home space, with 2 in-between of working/living in houses with gap year teams, with me being the ‘responsible’ one
2 years of being able to breathe
2 years of being enough, 2 years of listening to my heart, 2 years of not having to revolve around the often crazy unpredictable needs of others, 2 years of being just me.
2 years of healing from the 41 years previously
2 years of starting to see
Healing requires time, safety and connection, and in the process, self determination to make decisions, take control, for me about putting myself first, making decisions for my own good.
It makes me stop and realise quite how unhealthy places are when breathing isn’t possible. When eggshells are the only floor covering and avoiding fighting or fawning conflict is the only reality. That’s not to mention lies and gaslighting, and trying to constantly work out who the crazy one is.
It’s worth saying here, if you’re the one creating eggshells for others in your relationships, or family, through manipulation, control, bullying and neediness then maybe decide to give it up. You can change. Problem is, that you’re unlikely to read this. But…
If you’re not breathing you’re not living, you’re just surviving. I was just surviving all my life. Ignoring every attempt of my heart to make itself known. Just surviving. Bouncing from one crisis to another. Fawning over the needy anger of toxicity.
Breathing for 2 years, learning to be me. Realising who ‘me’ is.
As I write I’m on holiday, camping in the rain, and up to now, my few holidays have been busy ones, climbing, walking, city breaks, and I’ve filled my days. Today I’ve tried to do what I am learning to do in my home. To stop and enjoy a ‘doing nothing’ day.
Yes I’ve walked a short distance,but no rushing for trains , or climbing hills, just a short meander to the village a walk by the river and now just time reflecting on it as I write this, in a tent in the rain.
In the past I realised that I struggle to slow down, in the last two years I’ve realised quite how much I’m able to slow down.
Business was my ongoing distraction. Busy work, busy hobbies, busy. It’s no wonder that I’d wait to get ill during Christmas holidays only, when I had the time and my body relaxed. This was the pattern since childhood.
Learning to slow down
2 years of being in and feeling like being home.
Safe
Rest
Breathe
I’m sure I have more healing to do, as more layers are uncovered, as I listen more to my inner child, as I draw, write and play. But for now, a mark to note two years of being able to breathe, and feel new life, growth and change.
Thank you to all friends and family alike in their support and encouragement to me in these last 2-3 years, and to Christelle whose healing, loving kindness is a joy
Culturally we have a problem with admitting and accepting that birth mothers are abusive. Its bad enough trying to go against the myth that they couldn’t be loving, kind and supportive.
Abusive fathers feature in films, books and TV series. I noted one the other day, the hero/sporty trope as Troys dad in High School Musical, there are many others. (watch it again, not just for the music)
Abusive Step Mothers appear onto the scene to wreck the idyllic lives of Disney characters – see Cinderella for one.
Children have to overcome the loss of their real parents, (Cinderella again), and also Harry Potter, and these are replaced by abusive guardians. I couldn’t call them care givers, they dont care., at least not about anyone but themselves.
When Mothers are seen to be abusive, theres often a mitigating factor, Dad is also abusive, they are alcoholic, they had their own issues, both current, and historic.
Its as if there has to be a reason that a person, a mother especially, would not be caring, supportive etc.
On Twitter Laura Corbeth shared this the other day, it struck a chord. Its as if we’re still not ready for the conversation.
Its even as if there is mounting evidence of narcissistic, sociopathic, bullying women in society, in politics for one, but the thought that even these bullies in the workplace would be different for their kids…
Abusive Mothers exist. Some Children do ‘ave them.
So, whilst I compare notes of the children’s fiction stories I have read in the last few months there has been one key difference. There is no doubt to me that Harry Potters development is about overcoming trauma, of the death of his parents, and also the physical, emotional and neglectful abuse of his appointed guardians.
Roald Dahl is brave, and in his fictional story ‘ Matilda’ he casts the main character as the survivor and flourisher within a myriad of toxic relationships. The Driven, Crooked, Dad , the blonde, passive, materialistic mother who plays pacifier, but not protector. There is also the abusive Headmistress who Dahl gives away the strategy for all bullying behaviour. Do it so that it is so shocking. Anyway, back to the parents. They are her Parents.
What they do is split up the children. There is only two of them.
The other brother is mediocre but the favourite, high expectations.
Matilda, is younger sister, has hidden talent, is highly clever, and realises that she has to make it through life alone, with no support, encouragement, resources – and on the back end of criticism, neglect, and no emotional support whatsoever ever.
It may be said that the Dad is the stronger of the abusers in the story, but what it does show is that the nurturing supportive mother is utterly lacking. As I said above, the reasons for this may well be that Matildas mother is in the shadows of the domineering narcissistic entitled father. But theres no attempt that Matildas Mother does little other than reveal the depravity of her father to Matilda.
In this good reads list, Matilda appears as one of few books in which Abusive Parents are described.
You had to earn things you received (or had to beg, because it was what was needed only)
No Privacy
Speaks in an aggressive or belittling way.
Wont allow you to be yourself
Theres alot more in the article. Theres more that I would add to this and ive written about them in my survivor story.
Its difficult to comprehend if your parents are half decent (none are perfect) , at least some element of maternal, supportive, nurturing. Maybe Its because Its seems so out of the ordinary that it becomes difficult to comprehend.
I remember watching other children in nursery running to their mums as they came to collect them. So that means I didnt. I knew. As Ive written before I did just know, but as a child there was no way out, and no way of being able to describe it.
Gaslighting
Walking on Eggshells
Toggling between abuser and victim like a light switch
Having no empathy
Taking no responsibility for the nature of the relationship
Blaming others.
Being accused of things that are so untrue – Matilda the great reader of books resented being told she was ignorant and stupid, when she was actually a genius.
Sometimes, for me, I wonder if it would have been easier to turn up at school hiding bruises. The one off hit. The physical obvious mark. Emotional abuse is far more difficult to articulate. Especially when the perpetrators of it are good at invalidating the victim first. Matilda’s Dad had already sounded out to the abusive headteacher. They triangulate to force the victim into silence, and instils fear and division so that you get to feel utterly alone, and bewildered. Im not sure which books read to enable her to see the patterns, or whether she just responded to the abuse each time. But it can take years to articulate, even if everyone knew. And Im not negating anyone who is physically abused, not in the slightest.
If this has been your struggle, then theres resources above to help you identify, if you know of a child who is in this situation, then this list of books may help them to become more self aware emotionally in the midst of a damaging situation. It will all help.
The problem of abusive parents is something we have to take seriously, and spot the signs in the child.
Its a reality we just doing want to believe. But for the sake of so many children, and now grown up adults. We must.
Ok……… FUCK…… (in the tiniest of calmest of maturest voices)
YAY..well done!
Learning to say fuck was one of my healing moments.
Saying it, with my voice.
Allowing the word to bubble up, and be out of my mouth before my head tried to stop it. Maybe not the first time. The first time was the excruciating torture I describe above.
Do it, do it, do it.. Being taught to swear, was like everything I hadn’t been allowed to do since I was born. And definately something I stopped doing since I had to grow up and be the responsible one, the morally good one, the leader…
Writing it didn’t count. Because often what I can type, is my head playing with words, its not my heart, my feelings actually making themselves felt in my body.
Paralysed by politeness, inhibited by responsibility, fearing consequences. Thinking it was shameful.
I was inhibited.
Anger dormant.. (and it still is being worked on)
Uptight
Needing to loosen up.
The ‘always responsible’ needing to let himself go.
Relax.
Saying F**K was a beginning.
and trying not to give a F**K about it either.
Enjoying it.
It felt good.
Saying it.
Talking of inhibitions, I realised too that being the responsible one had meant I had never got drunk in my life. And especially not drank when I knew that emotionally unsafe people were drinking. Though also not because of the same reasons as above too.
Not wanting to let myself go. Worrying about what I might find.
Saying F**K was part of my healing process.
I needed to say it, to bring out to the surface all the ‘F**K’s I had held in, all there built up rage, anger, frustration, hurt, pain inside.
Sometimes F**K is completely and utterly appropriate. Because it described how you feel when you have been treated appallingly and abusively.
It may not be the ‘release’ for you that it was for me, it may be something else.
Maybe its to do something spontaneous, fun, silly, and let yourself go. Maybe we all need to do a lot more of that anyway.
Part of my healing and recovery in those first few months was actually trying to toughen up a bit. To care less. To worry about others less. To give more of a F about myself.
It’s also something that exists in a weird dynamic for them.
When you dont reply to them, or include them
they say
How dare you not reply to my message!
Or, maybe less abruptly
Did you get my message, I expected a reply by now
Often they want a response.
Part of my healing was realising I didnt have to respond.
Part of my healing and recovery was slowing down a response
Slowing down.
Then realising, that the communication was more important than the response.
They often want the dialogue to keep going, not just the answer.
A quick answer, I had to learn, was one that was reactionary.
A slow answer revealed actually what they wanted.
They wanted to control time.
They expected an immediate response
If I say something… you will do this straight away.
I expect you to jump when I ask
Is it important to respond straight away? Really?
What kind of response am I giving if I give it straight away?
if you’re in the role of rescuer – do you need to rescue- shouldn’t that person rescue themselves?
If you haven’t read it yet, this is what Voldemort uses to manipulate Harry in The Order of the Pheonix; Being the hero without stopping to work out what was going on, Harry could be manipulated with a strong sense of rescue.
What if youre naturally empathetic, and let’s face it, most of us generally are, is that the best default to respond out of?
When our abuser makes demands of our time… what tactics do they use to make us ‘jump’? – and what might we need to work on to reduce feeling fear, shame or guilt for not doing so.
Some requests do not require an answer.
because I didnt hear back from you, I did it myself
Oh good, but now please dont make me feel guilty for it.
Lindsay Gibson writes:
Emotionally immature people Exaggerate everything. Every frustration is the end of the world. They are the boy who cried wolf ; you dont know whether to believe them or not. That is why it is so important not to accept their completely self-focussed view of their situation. It is up to you to clarify the reality of things
Lindsay C Gibson, 2019
In their mind, the only answer is that someone save or rescue them.
When you start feeling compelled by duty or obligation, ask yourself who’s suggesting that and why
Gibson, 2019
Theres something else to do with Time that I had to learn with abusive people.
They have a weird sense of it. Its a kind of selective toxic amnesia.
They dont store or remember any of the abuse they doled out to you, yet, they do remember the few times that you were critical or questioning back.
Its as if, with no empathy, every moment is lived in the strategic present to them, a present in which they just try and get what they want or need – without remembering or dealing with any of the reality as to why its not liked, possible, considerate, respectful, decent or dignified.
Its the over realised entitlement, that knows that it can get, and can weasel its way out of keeping any of the rules that do or don’t exist to prevent or be abhorred by it. (its like doing a ‘Cummings’)
Instead of analysing their mistakes, they think ‘that was then, this is now’. They are famous for moving on and ‘getting over it’ and other forms of not processing lessons from the past. They dont notice when they are repeating past mistakes, nor can they steer themselves to a better future. The future isnt a real consideration for them, so they feel free to deceive others, burn bridges or create enemies. They concoct something that gets them off the hook but don’t realise others will be suspicious due to their past lives
Gibson, 2019
There is no recollection of previous occurrences, no sense that time is a coherent continual ongoing concept – its just what they want now.
So, learning and recovering from abusive situations, for me is about developing a different understanding of time.
Its also about realising that an understanding of time in which there is an acceptance – not a denial- of reality.
When we say no, or not yet, or no response to the emotionally abusive – it reveals them. Their desire to control, their entitlement, their feelings of power.
Yet, healing and recovering meant realising that I am important. That I am only going to respond when it is respectful. That I dont need to. That I am worth more than being someone elses rescue mission. That I am not responsible.
Time is power – for you
Time is power – for them too – so be aware, and realise the emotional amnesia that goes on with the emotional immature.
You are unlikely to be the crazy one, if you’re constantly bewildered by that weird time thing.
The thing that surprised me, is that they put the card on display on top of the microwave (don’t ask) for all to see. I guess when you’re that entitled, you dont mind that your spouses Fathers day card is all about you.
One of the things that enabled me to survive was that I could see it, and on this occasion Clintons Cards conveyed what everyone was thinking.
Part of my survival story was that I knew.
Even If as a child I could do anything about it. I still knew.
Even if I couldn’t articulate it to others, I still knew.
Even if I was trapped in an emotional minefield, I knew.
So knowing meant that I could disengage.
It meant I knew that what they said I didn’t need to believe. What I could do was listen, but not take in what they said. Though I couldn’t do anything about what she said or did. I at least had made an intellectual decision not to accept it.
The shutting off had begun.
But also, so had the realisation of what I knew.
I survived from then on by staying in my head. That was the place that was safe. My head had worked things out. I had survived without emotional support (I was the rescuer of theirs remember).
Being able to discount them as useful, helpful or supportive was part of it too. But what I could see at that early age was the truth.
There was only 1 dominant force controlling all of our lives.
Though no one could do anything about it, and that person would be in denial of it. Everyone knew. That I knew helped me survive.
Breaking down in the last few years, meant getting in touch with what I left behind.
But knowing helped me survive.
Thank you for reading, Parts 1-7 are in the menu above. Do read and share if you think my story will help others. If you’d like to support me there are ways in the menu to the right, and theres resources also above in the menu, including links to books that have helped me.
Turn up at a church youth group hiding scratch marks under your sleeve, or bruises on your arm, and you are treated as a project, someone who needs attention and even too damaged to be considered useful.
Turn up as someone considered ‘mature for their age’, who thinks of others more than themselves, is able to listen and support people, and has no physical marks of the emotional damage, and they get funnelled into leadership.
Mature for his age
He’s a kind lad
He likes to help people
I abandoned my childhood.
Because there was no point in being a child any more. What was the point of being childish, when nurture as a child wasn’t offered, far better to become self reliant, sufficient and work towards being an adult.
Keep out of trouble, so not to upset the eggshells – might equal maturity in the eyes of an organisation like a church that equally seeks a level of conformity, and so church and me easily fit in together once it was safe.
But going up in an emotionally abusive home doesn’t give you the physical scars.
If anything, it gave me the fine emotionally attuned skills to have an open door for others to dump their issues and concerns on. That was how I thought I would be friends with people. I grew up a walking codependent, and that made me a good friend for many, and prime for a role in a church, growing up quick meant leadership from a young age.
Without any obvious needs, and had been encouraged not to have any of my own, I became the little grown up. At age 11 I realised I had to make the path for my own life, I got tidy (as well as being clever) and made school work for me, excelled at it, and ended with good grades. (this was also a ploy to stay out of trouble too)
If you had a self reliant personality, your parent wouldn’t have seen you as the needy child for whom he or she could play the role of rescuing parent. Instead you may have been pegged as the child without needs, the little grown up (Gibson, Lindsey C, 2016
And as a little grown up, I sought friends who were also grown up, adults rather than peers, or the ‘maturer’ peers in school, to have more in-depth chats, and likewise the youth leader, the adults in church. Taking on responsibility, I led Sunday school groups at age 12, youth club at 16. Working from 13 as a paper boy, babysitting and then in supermarkets, I rarely to this day asked my parents for money, and became self reliant to an extent (not that they offered it mind, unless it was couched in favouritism or rescue mentality) , and have gone through 2 degree courses and 25 years of life since leaving home, without asking, and having to be self reliant.
Interestingly, self sufficient children who dont spur their parents to become enmeshed are often left alone to create a more independent and self determined life. Therefore, they can achieve a level of self development exceeding that of their parents. In this way, not getting attention can actually pay off in the long run (Gibson, 2016)
So, on this basis, growing up fast was not only my only survival option, but also growing up and not needing them was in my favour. I was the little grown up, caring for others, including the parent, and learned very quickly to withhold my own needs, or find my own resources in which to have them met. Growing up and connecting in a church community , also meant that it was easy to find roles, and spaces in which growing up and taking responsibility was encouraged and affirmed, and where I could become the person I needed to be. The person that left childish and childlike ways behind.
Links to all the resources I mentioned are in the menu above.
James Ballantyne 