James Ballantyne

Tag: Blogging

  • Soul Coffee with Donna

    I am not entirely sure if there are words in the dictionary to describe the events of my last three weeks, and in the main they are not for here. But let’s just say that for almost every single one of them, there have been moments of being brave, courageous, of facing inner and outer demons, and doing a lot of digging deep. Much has been revealed.

    But yesterday I crashed. I was done.

    A call to my line manager, and two much needed days off were required. Yet I woke today with barely a plan, and barely the energy to even think of what I might do for the day.

    Instead of giving I needed to receive.

    Instead of trying to write, and be creative, just needed to be

    Instead of learning I needed to feel

    Instead of self help, I turned to poetry.

    And after a walk along the river, and with my free Caffè Nero vouchers, started my flat white coffee, and picked up ‘Brave’ by Donna Ashworth.

    And for an hour it was as if she took me out for coffee.

    Words of her poetry speaking into my soul.

    Phrases that leapt off the page, some more warmly received than others, some affirming, some bringing a silent tear, but delivered with a warmth, care and love, that I needed.

    I offer some that struck out for me today, my coffee out with Donna Ashworth, for you today too.

    One Day you will see,

    That all this mud

    was simply the soil

    that grew you to full height

    (Donna Ashworth, Brave)

    You Mustn’t run on a broken leg

    bones rest to heal, thats true

    but you can still love with a

    broken heart and you must

    because love is the glue

    (Donna Ashworth, Brave)

    And this one:

    I wish you beauty in this life, my friend

    but most of all, I wish you the bravery

    to see that beauty in yourself

    because it is there, it most definitely is there.

    (Donna Ashworth, I wish you beauty)

    To become a more positive person

    you must make a pact with your inner child

    to hear her voice above that

    of your inner critics and demons

    (Donna Ashworth, The Positivity Pact)

    Just begin….

    The world may not immediately embrace

    your contribution

    but the universe will and its her you need on side

    (Donne Ashworth)

    If you dont know how to move forward…

    just take a few brave steps and have faith,

    the universe will meet you there

    (Donna Ashworth)

    It is brave not to be busy

    to be bare and boldly being

    when everyone else strives to buy

    the emperors new clothes

    (Donna Ashworth)

    My Soul garden is in bloom when light is being sought

    and love is at the forefront of all I choose

    starting with

    me

    (Donna Ashworth, Soul Garden)

    Sometimes it was just the words in between the poems, the almost throw away sentences that had no titles, not made it to ‘poetry status’ just gaps in between when balming words gracefully arrived from the page.

    In amidst the conversations in the coffee shop, I had this one with Donna Ashworth, she sat there, invisible in the chair, but the words of her heart, written, calmed and restored my soul.

    The Magnificence of the moon

    is rarely captured by camera

    what makes you think

    you are any different?

    (Donna Ashworth)

    If I ever meet you Donna, I’ll buy you a coffee.

    Thank you.

  • A blog on 957,547 words.

    I just did a weird thing.

    I just added up all the total number of words I have written in blog form, and published since I started writing blogs in 2012.

    No I didn’t do that thing. I didn’t open up every one of those 800+ blogs since 2012 and count all the words, who do you think I am? I’m not that weird, truly I’m not.

    I just added up the totals that WordPress records.

    Since 2012, there have been 957,547 words.

    Well, actually, now thats 957,547 + 97 words, +1 for ‘words’ and + 3 for ‘words’ and and, and now another 7 + more for these too. (4)

    957,547+1+3+7+4= 957,562.

    I was hoping that when I started out this voyage of numerical discovery it would be a really significant number. Like a million. But it isn’t. And trust me, you probably dont want me rambling for another 957,562+37 =957,599 – 1000000=42401 words.

    Its just a number 957,599 or it was 957,547 when I started this.

    Thats a lot of words though isn’t it.

    And thats not including the blogs that were too passive aggressive to ever publish (especially over on the youth work one) , or the ones I felt were way too vulnerable here, or actually ones I didn’t feel comfortable with, they stay in the drafts. So it may well be a million.

    It’s not quite a million words. 11 years. Around 90,000 words per year.

    It’s weird when I think about it.

    Especially as I’m comparing it to other ‘art’ forms, this writing thing.

    In the same time as writing these blogs, I have also helped to write a book, and one Youth work article, I also completed a Masters study and recently a level 2 in Counselling skills. I have done A LOT of writing.

    I definitely didn’t start out when I wrote my first blog, on blogspot on the subject of cycling and spirituality, that I would end up here. 11 years later. I had no idea. It just sort of happened that way.

    I’d like to say that writing is enjoyable. Actually, it is.

    What I’ve also found is that writing helps me get things out, sometimes there’s a build up of information, thoughts and questions or ideas in my head and so it has helped me to write them out. Thats why there’s quite a few drafts, and quite a few that won’t see the light of day, my head might not always be the healthiest of places. Sometimes for me there’s a build up, like the cork in the bottle and I have to just start writing.

    Believe it or not, there have been other times when I hadn’t written for weeks or months. Yes, actually that is the case. I slowed down big time when my personal life, and also my professional life has shifted somewhat.

    The other thing I’ve noticed is that my writing has often followed my reading. In the same 11 years, I think I have read, at least 500 books. For most of the first 8 years these were all Youthwork, Theology, Community practice or Sociology related.. or Theodrama.. who could forget the Theodrama years… the books would inspire, as would the conversations I would have each day, with youth workers, lecturers, colleagues.

    But now the books I have read have changed, I think I have only read 3 youthwork or theology books in the last 3 years, most of the rest are in the menu above, as well as Fiction. Yes, actually reading fiction too. Including the whole of Harry Potter, and almost all of Paulo Coelho books.

    Life Spills. That sometimes describes my writing now, a lot more. Im thinking, or doing something, or learning about it, and when I write its like the spillage of those things, spewed from my fingers out wards onto the screen. Words. Spilling.

    I wish I could say that I’ts from the soul, or heart.

    Sometimes it is. I would love it to be more soulful at times.

    But I know that sometimes I’m writing when I’m annoyed, and im in a churn.. and that churn spills over.

    Sometimes I discovered something I want to share it.

    Sometimes I discover something, as I’m writing it.

    When. I. Realise. That. These. words. Are. For. Me.

    And I have to stop.

    Slow Down.

    Listen to myself.

    Because these weren’t words for others, they were for me.

    And some of those 957,000+ were for me.

    Like the one I wrote about Self-Care tips for youth workers for Lent. Every years since that one I realise quite how hypocritical that one was. Look here’s me with 40 ideas for you.. when I’m in utterly no place to do any of them, with self confidence, self respect at rock bottom and having no self awareness at all. All those could have been for me, and there were others too.

    I now feel like I’m doing a Q&A about my blogging when actually I’m making up my own questions. Thats just the thing, who does a blogging Q and A anyway? Should I do it when I have 1,000,000 words, or when ive bored 1,000 people? Its not like I have a subscriber count like on you tube.

    Another question that I am never asked is about what makes up a good blog.

    The answer is that I really dont know. What I am finding is that if a good blog is one that is based on how many people click the ‘like’ button at the bottom of this one, then I get more ‘likes’ when I have been personal, vulnerable, and shared about life trauma, healing, vulnerability and recovery, than I did with youthwork, theology or community work.

    What do I do it for?

    Sometimes for you, the invisible you, the person who reads this. You are a WordPress reader, a Facebook friend, or a friend of a friend, or someone else that googled it. Talking of google, thats one way of getting extra reads and views. Its that title thing again. My most viewed in one day blog had a great 3 days and none since, my most viewed in all time asks the question ‘What role do young people play in your church’ – because all over the world, thats a pressing question in many churches, and its all over the world, I have views from over 200 countries.

    Sometimes these are for me too, as I said above.

    I was watching a you tube video earlier on photography. In it the guy said about how it takes 10,000 hours to finely tune a hobby or craft, like.. photography or something else, gardening or dance or fishing. So that got me thinking about not only how many hours id spent behind a camera (probably around 200-300) but then about writing. How many hours have I spent blogging, and what is the creative output of that in relation to the work that goes into it. I would be lying if I said that I didnt check the likes, comments or views, but what definitely surpasses all of these is when someone lets me know that I have helped them, encouraged them or enabled them to see something, or do something differently, in their professional or personal life, or both.

    So, for almost 1000 actual blogs, and almost 1,000,000 words – how do even know if this is something I am ‘good’ at. Its not like there’s a gallery of them, or I can recount the time i made something significant within it.

    Its not the numbers after all.

    And a good blog isn’t a perfect one. Sometimes its a real one. Maybe its also one where im being more human, than being preachy. Maybe its not one that is too hard to read, I get it, honestly I do. My pain might not make good reading, unless you know, or you want to know. I cant tell you how to write, because I often dont really think about what im writing most of the time, and thats why I cant think of a good way of ending this weirdly self-referential reflective piece, as it could go on and on and on.

    So what advice would I give someone starting out in blog writing.

    Only do it if you love writing. Like anything. Love it or stop it.

    Thats all I can say.

    oh…

    and if you got to the end, Thank you.

    You made it to 958861 words.