Oh Hello
Not darkness my old friend.
But Despair.
I saw you.
I heard you.
Sneakily arriving when my guard was down.
When tiredness and exhaustion had depleted me
And reminders of trauma hurt like the touching of the electric fence.
And everything span.
You found a way in when unexpressed anger over powered
And I had no defences.
Thanks. Nice. Am so glad you showed up.
Thank you for your honestly.
Giving me the path, showing me how I could soothe myself.
Convincing voice that I was weak, alone and it wouldn’t matter, that I was small all over again.
Despair, the friend who’s been close since childhood.
Since desperate moments in bedrooms.
When suicide was a conceivable option
But, it’s been a while since I sensed your voice.
Until the last few days.
When reminders came back.
Big.
As did the swirl.
the headache.
The confusion.
Trauma tired. Small.
I heard you trauma despair,
I heard you.
But this time, for the first time.
I heard you in that moment.
And gave you airtime.
And told you thank you
Loved it, for protecting me before.
For it used to be despair in the cacophony of depression, as if constant down with despair blips.
But this time. Despair made itself known from a place of general positivity.
New normal is a loving powerful me.
And I decided that it needed to be loved.
And not shamefully hid, but loved in the open.
Talked to, heard and for despair to realise.
That it isnt me.
But it used to lead me, and I didn’t care enough to fight it.
But this time, despair, I met your pain with love.
And trauma you didn’t overcome me, not this time.
I will hold you, and my arms will love you.
I am bigger than you and love will always melt you away.
Thank you for your visit despair, it’s time you were released, it’s time to let you pass through me.
Linger no more.
Goodbye this time despair, know you’ll be loved next time too. If I see you again.
James Ballantyne 