The myths about parents that prevent truth of emotional abuse from being believed

One of the main reasons victims of abuse dont get believed is that the actions that perpetrators do is so shocking that no one could believe it actually happened.

Ironically the same people who describe such things have to articulate something so awful and shocking, that it would be beyond their own mental capacity to make something up. They have no need to lie when the actions that occurred are scandalous enough.

Another is the default positions that people hold about parents, especially in situations of parent -child abuse and emotional abuse.

If you’ve been on the receiving end of emotional abuse in childhood, you’ll know how you feel when people say these things, the myths of what parents are supposed to be:

• All Parents love their children
• A Parent is the one person you can trust
• A parent will always be there for you
• You can tell your parents anything
• Your parents will love you no matter what
• You can always go back home
• Your parents only want what’s best for you
• Your parents know more than you do
• Whatever your parents do, they’re doing it for your own good

Some parents, mine included, even use these statements to describe something that they have absolutely no intention of actually acting out. Many of these myths are not true when you have emotionally immature parents, as Lindsay C Gibson (2016, p142) they never even see the light of day, they’re distant hoped for lands, where other children live in families, but not you.

Some parents also have the word ‘Christian’ or ‘Faith’ to that list. As a christian, they wouldn’t do that..would they??  

Yet, society trots these things out, as if good parenting is the default zeitgeist.

It’s strange that when many tales of children, and fiction represent children abandoned, abused and tormented in their upbringing. Or where adults are pretty useless, like Harry Potter, Cinderella, and the many others.

But when some of these statements above are held widely in society, then it can often become the first instinct not to believe the person who shares of the abuse from their parents.

It’s not just as if their parent couldn’t do that, its that ‘no’ parent could.

But they can. And they do.

For many of us, those statements are just not true. In emotionally immature parents, these are those who are fit these criteria:

Then more than one can exist in a family. I have 2, and 1 is very strong at that.

So, we must as a society, as youthworkers, social workers, counsellors, clergy and therapists, do our best, and do better, than believe the myth of parenting, rather than the actual experience and victim of parental abuse is trying to communicate. Because in many many cases, articulating emotional abuse is phenomenally difficult to do.

One of the issues that Gibson writes about too is that as children, or adult children of emotionally immature parents, we may be unable to see our parents clearly, given that accepting that our parents are actually none of the above list (and more like the 4 types) that we care to imagine.

Though, for others, like myself, I’ve know my parents have been weird, odd, since a very young age, and that may bring about different effects, and barely entertaining that they would be any of these things at all, because they barely acted in a way that it was true.

My healing journey, and possibly yours too, is about beginning to see the past in a realistic and actual way, and not in a mythical hopeful sense, like the child who may hope for better or change. If you’re in your mid 40’s and hope your parents change now, then youre on a hiding to nothing. The only person who can change is yourself, especially as you heal and grow.  Its not only time to educate ourselves about the truth of our parents, but also others so that they see too.

Parents are supposed to be these things, and in some cases, hopefully the majority, they are. If you have a good relationship with your parents, please dont assume that others do, or the myth of parents, because thats what they are, myths. Myths that stop truth from being believed.

References

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay C Gibson, 2o16

Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay C Gibson, 2019