Responding to the Treacle Days

Like wading through treacle.

Trying to walk through fog.

Every now and again I get one of these.

Beyond the healing and surviving. Beyond the self understanding, and in the safety, peace, love of my new life.

Maybe I thought i wouldn’t get these. Maybe I had a vision that once undergoing therapy, once with the tools in the box, life would be a continued breeze, one rainbow dance after the other.

I guess once I stopped trying to survive – Ive started to heal.

And healing is taking a number of methods.

Healing is occurring, as I have had to get closer to the past I tried to run away from.

A treacle day is when my brain is showing me things that its been holding.

A treacle day is as when I have the emotional space to feel things I hadn’t felt before.

Like grief the week before mothers day.

Yesterday I had a dream about my High School – what does my brain have space to show me there?

Its also my birthday week. So for some of mothers day grief, my birthday only brings me memories of embarrassment and disrespect, a chance for the traumatising to have centre stage.

I thought I could avoid treacle days.

Nope.

Avoiding isnt healing is it. When I’ve been holding it, avoiding it, trying to forget.

But I shouldn’t feel like this, I should be happy all the time, I have no reason to feel….no, I am healing…this is going to take time…I might ‘understand’ what happened to me, but my body has alot to unravel…

So what do I do?

Ive got to take my own advice haven’t I? 

Breathe. Just stop. Breathe.

Yesterday I tried to walk it off, walking, taking photos, and I was genuinely looking forward to a day in the sunshine, walking the nature walks, but when I woke up, post dream, it was a treacle day.

That was the plan, original plan, but my mind had other ideas…I still took some good photos though…

 

My head was spinning.

Overthinking the fact that I shouldn’t be thinking this way.

‘Be kind to myself’

I said to myself.

Try and help myself realise that I am ok.

And, that this is hard.

Grief is hard.

I could do some destructive things at this point, like be angry on the internet, get passionate about something. Distract. Get a whole load of sympathy from ‘the internet’ and bring others down to me. When actually it wasn’t what I needed to do with this.

I did go shopping and buy myself some nice food – it is my birthday this week after all…

Having space to heal, might mean encountering new parts my life that I didnt realise I had been holding. Might mean seeing the same situations each year in a new way.

Somehow Ive got to get closer to heal from.

Let it happen.

Let the things that need to heal to be revealed

Not run from them.

Wade the treacle.

Wade the treacle with a warm spoon so it starts to melt.

(Fog lifts with the warm sun)

A warm spoon.

Speak to myself with kindness.

Actually realise my mind is trying to help me be kind to myself.