Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 15): Learning to walk small.

The only way to survive navigating walking on eggshells with an abusive parent, or partner, is to make yourself as small as possible.

In that way less of you can get cut on the sharp shells.

Theres sometimes at least a few places to be able to walk safely.

Sometimes.

When they bark instructions on the phone, at least its not to you

When other people are around the house, if they’re mistreating them, with often toxic food and emotionally awful conversation, in that space you are safe, even if their false charm is that…false. They daren’t look like they’re a bad person.

‘Look at James, here’s my boy… ‘

Cringe time. But at least it was safe.

Surviving as a child, and a victim, meant working out when the safe places were, and being small the rest of the time.

Small.

‘The Ballantyne men, are all so quiet’ She would say.

‘Its as if no one wants to talk’ she would say

Staying small.

Behaving, most of the time.

Being the internaliser who didnt express needs – for the fear of being accused of being selfish

But small, in that not being able to be me.

Small in trying to be the person who was seeking anything, affirmation, validity, a voice.

Small in that it was a place not to speak.

Small in that it was a place to hide

Small in that it was a place to only try and stay within what was safe

Small in that it was a place to keep trying to get affirmation and recognition, by trying to please, trying to do the thing I thought they wanted.

Small and survive was not to deliberately touch the eggshells, or ride the sore feet.

Small meant inhibiting myself, because who can grow in a concentration camp? A literal concentration camp when you have to be on vigilance guard all the time.

A concentration camp when the trapped had to soothe and pacify the enactors of punishment.

Small, hiding away.

Dont make a noise, dont be disruptive, dont make a mess…

And yet, they make themselves feel like they’re just normal, so to justify it ‘ we’re just like other parents’ ‘its what parents do’

Surviving meant staying small. Inhibiting. Hiding. Pretending.

Small in so many ways.

Giving space away. People pleasing. Codependant. All things I became and am reflecting through.

Staying small, meant not being heard, taken seriously or be healthily supported nurtured.

Its hard to walk when your feet are small, and ravished by eggshell cuts.

Walking small meant having to think ahead, constant. Fear.