Time is something Abusers like to control
It’s also something that exists in a weird dynamic for them.
When you dont reply to them, or include them
they say
How dare you not reply to my message!
Or, maybe less abruptly
Did you get my message, I expected a reply by now
Often they want a response.
Part of my healing was realising I didnt have to respond.
Part of my healing and recovery was slowing down a response
Slowing down.
Then realising, that the communication was more important than the response.
They often want the dialogue to keep going, not just the answer.
A quick answer, I had to learn, was one that was reactionary.
A slow answer revealed actually what they wanted.
They wanted to control time.
They expected an immediate response
If I say something… you will do this straight away.
I expect you to jump when I ask
Is it important to respond straight away? Really?
What kind of response am I giving if I give it straight away?
if you’re in the role of rescuer – do you need to rescue- shouldn’t that person rescue themselves?
If you haven’t read it yet, this is what Voldemort uses to manipulate Harry in The Order of the Pheonix; Being the hero without stopping to work out what was going on, Harry could be manipulated with a strong sense of rescue.
What if youre naturally empathetic, and let’s face it, most of us generally are, is that the best default to respond out of?
When our abuser makes demands of our time… what tactics do they use to make us ‘jump’? – and what might we need to work on to reduce feeling fear, shame or guilt for not doing so.
Some requests do not require an answer.
because I didnt hear back from you, I did it myself
Oh good, but now please dont make me feel guilty for it.
Lindsay Gibson writes:
Emotionally immature people Exaggerate everything. Every frustration is the end of the world. They are the boy who cried wolf ; you dont know whether to believe them or not. That is why it is so important not to accept their completely self-focussed view of their situation. It is up to you to clarify the reality of things
Lindsay C Gibson, 2019
In their mind, the only answer is that someone save or rescue them.
When you start feeling compelled by duty or obligation, ask yourself who’s suggesting that and why
Gibson, 2019
Theres something else to do with Time that I had to learn with abusive people.
They have a weird sense of it. Its a kind of selective toxic amnesia.
They dont store or remember any of the abuse they doled out to you, yet, they do remember the few times that you were critical or questioning back.
Its as if, with no empathy, every moment is lived in the strategic present to them, a present in which they just try and get what they want or need – without remembering or dealing with any of the reality as to why its not liked, possible, considerate, respectful, decent or dignified.
Its the over realised entitlement, that knows that it can get, and can weasel its way out of keeping any of the rules that do or don’t exist to prevent or be abhorred by it. (its like doing a ‘Cummings’)
Instead of analysing their mistakes, they think ‘that was then, this is now’. They are famous for moving on and ‘getting over it’ and other forms of not processing lessons from the past. They dont notice when they are repeating past mistakes, nor can they steer themselves to a better future. The future isnt a real consideration for them, so they feel free to deceive others, burn bridges or create enemies. They concoct something that gets them off the hook but don’t realise others will be suspicious due to their past lives
Gibson, 2019
There is no recollection of previous occurrences, no sense that time is a coherent continual ongoing concept – its just what they want now.
So, learning and recovering from abusive situations, for me is about developing a different understanding of time.
Its also about realising that an understanding of time in which there is an acceptance – not a denial- of reality.
When we say no, or not yet, or no response to the emotionally abusive – it reveals them. Their desire to control, their entitlement, their feelings of power.
Yet, healing and recovering meant realising that I am important. That I am only going to respond when it is respectful. That I dont need to. That I am worth more than being someone elses rescue mission. That I am not responsible.
Time is power – for you
Time is power – for them too – so be aware, and realise the emotional amnesia that goes on with the emotional immature.
You are unlikely to be the crazy one, if you’re constantly bewildered by that weird time thing.
James Ballantyne 
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