The Challenge of ‘Letting Go’

What does it mean to ‘let go’?

What does letting go mean, when the damage has been so great – from people who are supposed to be anything but this?

I thought I had let go of them, one time, but I was running away scared

Ran away as far as I could – geographically and physically – but running scared of them

Running away was all I thought I could do

But

Running away is pretending

Running away wasnt wanting to face

Running away when I couldn’t articulate it

Running away was saying things like ‘I didnt have a bad childhood’

Running away wasnt being true to the self I was

Frightened James running away.

Thats not letting go.

‘They did this to me’

‘Its their fault I’m like this’

I cant change who I am and ill blame them

Thats not letting go either

Thats accepting that nothing can change

And im just their continual victim

Letting go, means not holding on

Not holding on to the pain they caused

or the excuse that I can give them

Keeping the pain close

Letting go, means letting that go

Noting it, seeing it, feeling it, unescapable moments and reminders

Opportunities to keep healing, not holding

letting go – and letting go of the shame,

The shame of things I needed to do to cope and survive

The shame that I felt responsible for fixing them, soothing them

The shame of not meeting their expectations

Guilty by dissociation.

The shame of being theirs. Their son.

Identity shame.

Letting go – means not holding on, means not running away, means releasing responsibility and giving it to someone else

Letting go – and knowing that I am enough, I have a voice, I have needs and I am free

Letting go – facing, accepting and making changes to protect myself

Letting go – is that what forgiveness is? Forgiving myself for what I put myself through..because of them?

Letting go – of their effects being my story

Letting go – of having them take more power in my life and future

Letting go – and being strong

Letting go – of any myth of normal

Letting go – expectations of pleasing or meeting their needs

Letting go – and loving myself

Letting go- and valuing myself

Letting go – and releasing the pain

Letting go – and making myself light again

Letting go means being the sky and not on their cloud

Letting go – to discover myself

Letting go – to be the me I should have always been

Letting go

To breathe clean air

To think clean thoughts

To be in the present

It’s time.

Its time to not carry any longer.

The inability or rather unwillingness of the human mind to let go of the past is beautifully illustrated in the story of two Zen monks, Tanzan and Ekido, who were walking along a country road that had become completely muddy after heavy rains. Near the village a young woman was trying to cross the road, but the mud was too deep it would have ruined the silk kimono she was wearing. Tanzan picked her up and carried her over to the other side.

The monks walked on in silence. Five hours later, as they were approaching the lodging temp. Ekido couldn’t restrain himself any longer; ‘Why did you carry that girl across the road?, he asked ‘We monks aren’t supposed to do that’

‘I put the girl down hours ago, said Tarzan ‘ Are you still carrying her?’

Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth