Dear Men, Why it might not be you.

It can be difficult to find reference to examples and awareness of how women can be also, and as abusive, both to men and other women. More often the ‘narcissist videos’ or websites or fb groups are for either gender, or primary targeted/gendered that men are the abusers. And thats ok, its not a complaint, just an observation.

I guess what im saying is that for a male victim of abuse it can be harder to find resources, and thus harder for them to see that they might have been manipulated themselves. Caught in a trap. Maybe there needs to be greater awareness that women, wives, mothers, sisters, aunties, female colleagues, female pastors and teachers.. can also be manipulative and abusive. For the myths that ‘a woman wouldn’t do that’ or ‘be that’ and maybe, is doing it deliberately – to be challenged.

And… this doesn’t get us Men off the hook. This about the ‘seeing the problem’ not alleviating responsibility by blame shifting ourselves, we have our own work to do to heal ourselves, get support, be vulnerable and recovery. Blaming the cause doesn’t heal. But, as when I first read the ‘pink book’ (‘Children of the ageing Self Absorbed’ by Nina Brown) it helped me to see, it helped me to start to take the blame weight off my shoulders, to see the games that were being played around me..the non winnable ones, the ones that questioned my sanity, the ones of gaslighting, denials and projections.

As a man, I await the backlash, and therefore all I intend to do here is pass on these two videos I saw this week.

Because, Starting to see is one step on the process to heal.

Both of these videos might be as useful to you as the pink book was for me.

1. 6 Ways to tell a Woman is Toxic
2. How a Emotionally immature Wife treats her husband

There may well be other videos, and I recommend the ‘Decoding Narcissism’ and ‘Surviving Narcissism’ channels for more on these subjects generally.

If you are reading this and beginning to realise what you have experienced as abuse, know that you are not alone. The comments section on those two videos alone will enable you to realise that it is far more common that you have been led to believe. Know that a recovered life away from the game is possible, and that you can make changes to be free. It will be difficult. Find someone completely out of the situation, away from their friends, family, a therapist, and safety, and start to begin the process of being free and free to yourself.

If you have been made to believe that you dont deserve better

If you have been made to believe that you’re not good enough

If you have been made to believe that a woman is never wrong and when challenged is defensive, angry or plays the victim.

It doesn’t have to stay this way, you deserve better.

There are helplines on domestic abuse out there, as well as those specifically for men. Here is one of them in the UK. Man Kind do call them on 01823 334244.