James Ballantyne

Category: Self awareness

  • Why might ‘Self-Love’ be difficult for Men?

    Can I speak for all Men? Probably not, so If you are a man and reading this then forgive me that I might be saying something that doesn’t apply to you. If you’re not reading this, then chances are you might not want to face the subject of ‘Self -Care’ , or that you dont want to read this particular blog, but ill be confident of one thing. One, or more of theses reasons will apply to you, cause you to wince in recognition, or cause a reaction, that may be defensive. Maybe you are a partner, sister or brother of a particular Man, and you can identify some of these. If you are, then be gentle with him. Facing some of these things is pretty terrifying for the first time, be brave to and hold him gently.

    Before I share further. Some of these apply to Women, fully as much as Men. Absolutely. But as a Man im going to just identify some of the ‘Man Issues’ about this.

    1. Because it sounds weak. We’d fix a broken car, and we’d store our car in the garage to look after it, maybe even vacuum and wash it each week/month/year, and take it for a service. Loving something that’s an object, a purchase, a status even seems perfectly acceptable. Self-love feels weak as often we’re not so proud of our bodies, our minds, our previous actions, our attitudes. If it wasn’t ‘Self-love’ and instead it was ‘Power-clean’ ….
    2. Because it means accepting vulnerability. Tending to our needs and self might have to mean realising that we need something, that something in us is in need of attention, there’s a weakness.
    3. Because it might mean accepting defeat. I believed I would be able to survive anything and deal with anything. Stoical survival, keeping going, trapped in a landscape of coercive control, institutional expectation, thinking there was no option, no way out, no alternative, no help, no one else…. at what cost? I wasn’t winning anyway. Self love might mean realising that ‘trying your best’ is enough, and exhaustion and being emotionally drained really isn’t what you are here on earth for. If you want to understand more about trying your best, look it up in the ‘ 4 Agreements’ by Don Miguel Ruiz.
    4. Because it might mean accepting that the person who indentifies it…might be right. Someone else can see what we are going through, someone else in our lives might be telling us to slow down, take a break, stop, do less… Someone else might also be representative of a voice we might not want to listen to. We might have to admit that that voice of our partner, friend or family member might be right. That might take huge courage if we have prided our selves with self sustainability, self dependency, self strength.
    5. Because we spend more time responding to the needs of others, and ignoring our own. Since childhood, I was safe when I tended other peoples needs. When I didnt I was accused of being selfish. These were my deep down reasons. It meant pacifying the monsters. But on other occasions, there were the needs of others in a regular way, such as childrens activities, concerns and issues, colleagues, and with any of us who work in caring roles.. all the people we work with, young people, vulnerable adults, and our colleagues who do so. When we are good at listening to others emotions and needs, we become brilliant listeners, supporters and take on huge amounts of responsibility. … I could also hide my own… for the sake of others… Sometimes id catch myself say ‘Oh Im Ok’ if someone asked. But also, I would avoid being around people who might ask this.
    6. Because it might mean trying to act from our emotions, and articulate them. How many times do I start conversations with ‘I think’ verses ‘I feel’ .. thinking is easy, thinking is about brains, power and intelligence, about success and work.. I think therefore I am…. but actually.. I feel and maybe I become more complete. Starting with ‘I feel’ can take a huge shift.. and this gets me thinking…. sorry,… this gets me noticing and feeling… what words do we have to articulate feelings, that as Men we can use. Buried deep inside us might be the little boy that cried and was told off. The boy who was made to feel embarrassed or ashamed, or The boy who was rewarded for not showing emotion.

    Feeling emotions isn’t as scary as you might think it is. It takes bravery and courage though. Feelings are more than just anger. Self-love might require us to understand our emotions and the needs behind them.

    I feel angry when………. and I know I need………..

    I feel shame when ……….. and as a result I need…..

    I feel tired when…….. and I need……….

    I feel drained when….. and I need ……..

    I feel confused when…….. and I need ………

    I feel misunderstood when ……….. and I need……….

    I feel ……………….. and I need to love myself by doing …………………

    There are other emotions and operating from them is like a brand new language, and our language can help us describe the emotions. It is new.

    7. Because we fear what it life might be like operating from emotions … This new language for emotions (Emotional Intelligence by David Coleman might be a good resource to start with) , creates a new world for us. Life is different, for me, its full of colour, as opposed to stony grey. There is nothing to fear about what it inside of us and part of us.

    8. Because it’ll mean I have to take myself seriously as a whole being.. and im not used to that.. Im used to being part of the machine of work, part of the ‘rat-race’ , doing, providing, success, achieving. My work, as a youth worker, became as much an identity, a safe place, for me, I could be lost in thought, lost in the next challenge, constantly busy, then adding even more to that, like study, or hobbies, or even, writing… Yet huge parts of me were left undiscovered, hidden, and more often that not I was operating in my own shadows. Self-love, means to love and accept ourselves as the humans we are, frailties, complexities, emotions and all. I am enough, and you are too.

    9. Because it hasn’t been safe for us to share or be emotional, when we’ve experiences with our parents, partners or others. (unless frustration at football, or hiding in a dark cinema to cry)

    10. Because we believe we can wait. We can wait until we retire, we can wait until tomorrow, we can wait until its too bad, we can wait until its desperate, we can wait… look there’s something else to focus on instead… we can wait.

    11. Because it sounds, and feels feminine. Getting in touch with ‘our feminine side’ is often roundly criticised and pilloried in the media, many of the books and resources on self love and awareness are targeted for women or written by them. Many, not all. It’ll mean losing the macho, and attending to the malleable.

    12. Because we’re too busy. And business is an addiction. Life being fast keep everything at bay, including our needs and our selves. Even the temptation to be fast runs through everything that could be slow. Bird watching leads to tech competitiveness or getting the perfect shot… walking can end up being an olympic sport… or a hobby to reach the highest, m furthest, newest climb… Slow hobbies in the midst of fast lives can easily become another space for speed, performance and achievement.. and what’s lost… that moment for ourselves again.

    13. Because in the drive for perfection – we turned ourselves critical ..on ourselves. Oh how I love being super critical, asking questions, all in the name of reflection…. but look deeper and I know this is a safe place for me. Look deeper still and I can see how being critical of others stems from being critical of myself, beating myself up to try and be something, someone, better, more than I was yesterday. Try caring for yourself and see what that critical inner voice tries to do.. Loving ourselves means letting a different voice lead the way..and critic voice rarely goes away without a fight…

    I write these and recognise myself in most if not all of them, to some degree at different points in my life. Unlearning the old habits of self – neglect is an ongoing battle. As I look at the list above, I know there are gaps, this isn’t about perfection…I feel this is something important to talk about and share, I also wonder whether there might be good habits for self-love and care for us men that would be good to share too.. what do you do to remember to love yourself? do put these below

    Thank you

    If you want to or need to explore these further, do find a trusted friend, a therapist or someone who can help you to validate your needs and feelings and give you a brave safe space to.

    There are more resources in the menu above and also links to various mens mental health and abuse organisations too.

  • Overthinking: A Tale of Three Walks

    Overthinking: A Tale of Three Walks

    The best way for me to describe this is to tell you a story.

    Last Sunday morning I had fun with my camera.

    But. I had to make a choice to do this.

    Because, the previous Thursday I went out, hoping to have fun, a relaxing walk, mixing some bird watching and photography. But for some reason it wasn’t fun. I had got to a point of digesting a few days worth of new knowledge about photography skills and practice and then went out armed with this knowledge.

    On a grey uninspiring day. I also went to go nature walking.

    There wasn’t much nature, and there wasn’t much of interest. It was a bit bleak.

    Here’s a few examples from the day. Grey light mostly.

    In short, I got back and felt as though I was trying to do too much.

    Rushing. And over thinking.

    Was I enjoying the walk..? No.

    Was I chasing a bird or moment of nature? Yes

    Was I trying to use my camera and look at scenes , sometimes..

    Was I trying to practice a new skill, walk and find places, or see nature?

    Too much going on. Over thinking.

    Anyway. A few moments of fun in the sunset. Nothing is wasted, absolutely.

    But I got back and thought id wasted a day, frustrated.

    But on Sunday things were different.

    I went to a place I had only been once before, HedleyHope Fell, just outside Tow Law, last time I was there it was wet and cold and looked like this:

    Though I also realise that this photo doesn’t give any indication of how wet it was that day. Its just a tree. But trust me it was wet here in November.

    On Sunday I went, the sun was hazy and out, and I decided that I would solely use the space to walk and try taking interesting photos, try some different angles and settings and just have some fun. I also thought I would take seriously the suggestion that I would tell a story, and the simple story of my photos was that it was me going for a walk.

    So, in 8 photos, here’s me going for a walk at HedleyHope Fell.

    Im not going to write this 4 days later and make out that I was gliding around the setting, in a beautiful flow of human with camera making beautiful art.. but I can say that I was having fun.

    I was lost in the moment, yet present in the moment. Observing landscapes, light and scenes in front of me, trying to look, feel and sense the place.

    Being present.

    Enjoying myself.

    And, I could tell what happened to take me out of this.

    A text message , just as I was about to climb up the hill to the car.

    A message that took me away from the place, the fun and the enjoyment.

    I should have turned off my phone, but I dont do that for emergency sake, and text messages are so rare…so, I

    was into thinking again. Panic even.

    In that moment I lost presence.

    Even breathing and trying to ‘slow down’ I had gone. Only my body remained in the fell, my mind was elsewhere, panic anxiety or whatever it was.

    I did have plans to go to a different nature reserve after this one, but instead I faced the challenge, knowing that avoiding it would only make me worry more. Though I had resolved that on my drive back home that the worst case scenario was unlikely. And, it was unlikely. It was and is something I can deal with.

    So its all ok.

    So in a way I am proud of myself for how I responded and reacted calmly to a situation..eventually.

    But what im also aware of is how easy it is for the fun and enjoyment I was having to burst like a bubble.

    My flow went, my mind raced, panic, but then gradually logic and calmness did return.

    I did go out again later, and I did enjoy an afternoon of sunshine, but what I did on this occasion at the nature reserve, was focus on recovering calmly from the minor stress, walking, breathing and doing the nature thing. Doing one thing at a time. So just outside Darlington at the Burdon Community Woodland, I got these photos.

    Maybe not the best photos. But that wasn’t the point.

    But it was important for me notice that I had to focus on one thing.

    Walking and being in nature is good for me for slowing down, for appreciating connections with the earth. It was what I needed to restore myself. Sitting and waiting for an owl, or the movement of birds slows me down. It was one thing to focus on. It wasn’t the time for me to learn a new skill, a new toy. I needed something different for myself, than I needed in the morning.

    Fun in the morning, Slow speed in the afternoon. Nature in attendance.

    So, that’s my slightly unwieldy story about overthinking. Im kind of over thinking whether I should even share it, because its probably not that interesting, or enlightening, just me going out for walks and realising when I’ve been present in them or not, and I would imagine that’s just like any one of us.

  • Permission to be Happy

    Yesterday I wrote about learning the choice to be Happy.

    What I realise today is that there’s something else.

    Being Happy requires safety.

    Its easy to be moany, negative, critical,

    easy to be unhappy, easy to be numb

    easy to hide feelings even.

    When I was these things I was easy to manipulate.

    Easy to sink into the swamp.

    Easy to be abused.

    Easy to stay in the fight for the others, and be unknowingly co-dependent with it.

    Why would I want other people to be happy, if I had barely a concept of it.. maybe I wanted people to need me….

    Happiness wasn’t a dream for me – I numbed emotions

    Happiness wasn’t even a ‘concept’ I could conceive for myself. Not deep down.

    Reality was that for 40 years I’d lived with people who didnt want me to be happy. (they weren’t Happy themselves…)

    So why even chase it, easier to theorise or criticise the notion of it.

    Being Happy for me, required safety.

    Actually.

    It required permission.

    Specifically, I needed to hear and accept the possibility that I could actually be happy.

    It was one of my friends who said to me; ‘James, When are you going to be Happy?’ but not in that critical way, more in a ‘James – when are you going to consider that you could be happy and that being happy is ok and safe to be‘ kind of way.

    James…. Its ok… you can be Happy….

    I needed permission, and safety, and the opening of a possibility that I could feel such things, or live in a way that was about happiness.

    And my mind raged with it.

    Because, my happiness was selfish – id been told, My needs weren’t important – id been told, other peoples happiness was more important than my own – id been told , happiness is for an ‘eternal life’ – id been told, happiness was shallow – id been told…. all the messages..and others besides.

    I could easily overthink being happy and drag myself into that thinking space.

    So I needed permission to be Happy.

    Safe, brave, permission.

    Permission to begin the process of searching, seeking and feeling Happy.

    Even from in the midst of controlling relationships that had another few years to be dealt with. Not before. But in the midst.

    It wasn’t that ‘when id sorted everything id be happy’ – because that was a lie. It was that in the beginning of being happy, or that the potential removal of unhappiness was possible even at that point. It was on the table.

    Choosing to be… happy…in the midst of abuse and oppression is likely to challenge…. as the oppressor is losing control. Dancing in the metaphorical fucking rain.

    Even beginning to realise that happiness was possible, and having the courage and safety to permit myself to it, invoked a glimpse of lightness, of happiness in itself. I stepped a tiny bit, another tiny bit, out of the leadened swamp.

    So as I shared my learning yesterday, and awareness of the choice of my emotional awareness, one small step at a time, I realised that my awakening to happiness personally was about permission giving, about possibility, and about safety. I had received in so many ways the kindness of the universe through a breakdown and rebuild, yet that rebuild would not be full until I could see the lights above and know and feel that these could be true for me too.

    Today, 4 years on I can give myself permission to be happy. What I needed the first time was the safe permission from others.

    I can be happy, and so can you.

    It is possible and permissible Now.

    It might take courage….

  • Learning the Choice to be Happy

    Learning the Choice to be Happy

    Tell me… what are 5 things that caused you to feel happy today?

    5 things?

    You’re joking aren’t you. 5 actual things. 5 moments where I wasn’t stressed, tired, weary, feeling like im in survival mode, drained, exhausted, pressured, stressed, thinking, over thinking, beyond overthinking to the point of being somewhere else….

    Happy. Really?

    5 things?

    Yes.

    5 things.

    Can be as utterly small as you like, can be as tiny or insignificant. it doest matter, all that matters was in that moment it caused you to feel happy.

    Yes, even that bumble bee that flew past you, the rainbow appearing behind the clouds, the way your dog looked at you, it just made you happy. For a split second.

    5 things.

    I didnt realise it was possible either.

    I didnt realise Happy was actually something.

    Duty – yes.

    Obedience – Yes

    Doing the right thing – Yes

    Surviving – Yes

    But Happy? Really?

    Happy.. oh no, that’s not for me.

    And you know what… when I didnt realise happiness was for me, I couldn’t give the opportunity for happiness for other people – without being critical, without feeling jealous, without being able to enjoy it, for others. I say these things about me, because I also wonder whether this might be more than just me too.

    Let me ask you a different question.

    What about this… What if I told you that happiness was a choice?

    A choice you can make now?

    What if you could have the power to choose to be happy?

    What if this was a powerful choice, yes a choice, that you could make?

    Because, being miserable, playing the victim and projecting blame on others is equally a choice too. But lets focus on Happy.

    When asked on 31st January each year something that makes us happy, it might well be the relief that its the end of January.

    But at the start of January, dont we say ‘Happy new year’ – Happy..may this year be full of happiness for you. It doesn’t take long for Happy new year to turn into the drudge of January. Happy seems to have disappeared from view. A long time ago.

    But 30th January, 4th February and every day in July can be happy too… cant it?

    What would it take? Madness? Courage? Determination?

    What might we notice when we make this choice?

    One thing I noticed, is that when I tried to make an active choice to be happy….

    I got a lot of opportunities to practice this.

    For instance, the very day I bought this book

    Which was in a bookstore, in San Diego Airport on 4th January, as I left my soul mate Christelle and I headed back to the UK.. in a specially curated Happy section for the new year

    It was also the very moment that as I paid for the book and left the bookstore, that I realised that my already cancelled once, now delayed flight was delayed even further. Literally on the board as I left the bookstore. So, all the feelings about leaving Christelle, and now delays.

    Immediate practice to choose my response.

    This delayed flight, led to another cancelled flight, led to overnight in Seattle, another day of travelling, and eventually back to the UK and my flat quite a few hours later. Circumstances giving me choices.

    What did the longer journey give me the opportunity to do – practice happiness…and to read about it. The universe is like that, gives us gifts in which to practice.

    There’s many things I began to notice after the day I decided to intentionally focus on my own happiness. Another is that it is very easy to forget. Hence why its taken 31 days to write this.

    Yup, the road of good intentions is littered with distractions, as well as challenging situations.

    Ive needed reminders. So..

    A few days per week so far this year, because I haven’t remembered every day, and I did buy myself a note book, that I haven’t filled in yet either… Ive asked Christelle the 5 happy things question, and she’s asked me it back.

    It’s almost like retraining my own mind, soul and spirit to notice the happy moments, the happy moments occurring in the now and everyday.

    I can hear the resistance. But what if I surrendered to this? If happiness is not now..when might it be…really?

    I was one who was a critic of those who said that being happy was possible or real or a purpose in life, I get it.

    But what spills out of us when we’re not happy? Who is this good for? Just our ego and anything or anyone else?

    What if… this:

    I believe the very purpose of our life is to seek happiness. That is clear. Whether one believes in religion or not, whether one believes in this religion or that religion, we are all seeking something better in life. So I think, the very moment of our life is towards happiness…..

    Dalai Lama, 1999

    So… about those 5 things..? (why not write them in the comments below)

    Give it a go. Seek Happiness. Open up yourself to its possibility

    Happiness, deep inner happiness is possible.

    Its closer than we think, actually its changing how we think.

    Happy New February.

    Happy you.

    Happy me too.

    References

    The Art of Happiness – Dalai Lama and H Cutler 1999

    The Courage to be Happy – Kishimi, Koga 2016

    The Power of Now – Eckhart Tolle – 1999

  • Could my Soul have an Ancestory?

    I know my Name.

    I know where my name comes from.

    Actually finding out a little more of my family history in the last 4 years has helped me to join the dots, reconnect and give me a sense of something.

    It stared with googling my name.

    I’m now on a bit of a treasure hunt. To find evidence of past Ballantynes, and also artefacts of both RM Ballantyne and the published works of James Ballantyne (based in Edinburgh from the 1700’s).

    Some of this I want to know about, some will be a treasure and surprise when I find it.

    I have a physical ancestry. A story.

    But – what if my soul has an ancestors too?

    My body and mind aren’t going to last forever, but my soul might?

    And if so – might it have been somewhere else before?

    and further still …. might the soul I have now, have been someone else’s one time before and was there a process for it to choose my body, my life and my experiences…

    and if so…for what purpose?

    Have you ever thought this?

    I don’t think I mean reincarnation, but maybe soul ancestry, what’s the history of my soul, and curiously was it reluctant, happy or determined to exist in my experience now, for the time I am hosting it?

    Was my Soul happy before and why my experiences?

    and might there be a point when my embodied soul considers itself complete? or will it accumulate experiences, feelings and character for all eternity – if that’s even what it is doing?

    Or will it become something different, like non human. Animal even? Is that what my soul might become next? Was it non human before? might this explain my affinity with nature – but then might this explain all of our affinity with the natural world?

    Then, thinking Shakespeare… If all the world is a stage… what’s the role of the soul? Might Jung be right to consider the God archetype part of our humanity to exist – and this might be the soul- but what stages, performance, directions, scenes has my soul played before? Or has it been the same one, and its just the actor, the body that’s changed.

    And, when there’s different performances of the soul – what happens in the gap? The Soul interval? From one person to another – and in those moments where might the soul rest, or wait, or choose?

    Then again… Would I want to know? Would I want to know the full list of other people, objects, animals, trees even – that it has inhabited since it was created.. and when was that – what would I do with that list , my soul ancestry? Would it help me to explain things now? Like my genetic make up, from 10 generations of Ballantyne for example.

    Continuing that thought. When was my soul created? Or was it always, well just always there. When did it come from?

    Isn’t that it all along. Is the question not about how the world was created, but how the souls did?

    Might this be God, divine or source all along? A lake of souls from which emanated souls like rivers into the flow of human existence?

    Is my soul in my today, in January 2023, right now for a purpose?

    And if so…what is it?

    So so many questions, maybe the start of this was to recognise having a soul in the first place, as well as wanting to have some understanding of my familial past.

    Like discovering Ballantynes, maybe my souls journey will take me on a similar treasure hunt.

  • Don’t be that human….

    Isn’t it interesting when the universe gives you learning parallels?

    What I mean is, those moments when you see something in one specific time, and it relates to something else.

    Its as if the universe has something for me.

    Either that or the algorithms of the internet really are mind and emotion readers. Oh dear.

    Anyway.

    If you read my recent piece you will know that a skill that I have been learning in the beginning of 2023 has been photography.

    I have managed to start a small catalogue of stock photography here

    James Ballantyne Stock Photos

    They reject quite a few, so I’m just pleased to have over 20 on there, and its honing what I take photos of. I know I’m not going to be a millionaire through photography but its fun, well, most of the time it is.

    To aid me in my learning in this month ive started watching a number of photography you tube channels. Honestly the free learning here is amazing. Now I know I feel a beginner at this, there’s so many helpful guidance out there.

    One of the things I was beginning to notice was though was that most of the nature and landscape photographers had what looked like massive expensive cameras, and that they showed only the best photos on their videos. Some amazing ones though.

    And I was just starting to feel a bit frustrated that I would not be able to take photos like them, without the right equipment.

    Then I watched this video by James Popsys titled…

    ‘Dont be that photographer’

    And I wondered what he was going to get at. He videos himself heading up to a bleak part of snowdonia and tried for 3 days to get photos of sunrises and sunsets over the mountains. His 2 days of failing included not having audio on for the video itself and weather that prevented even sight of the mountains themselves.

    But what he said was interesting.

    He said that as a photographer, the one comment that he got most ways from people who either complained about their lack of expensive cameras or equipment, or were condescending of his.

    To which he replied by saying, ‘Dont be that photographer’

    He said that the most important aspects of being a photographer , especially outdoors, landscape and nature and scenes, generally, are present already in a relatively cheap (less than £250) camera, and the rest is what is already present in the scene and in the eye of the photographer, as well as knowing their kit and craft.

    He was saying, don’t be that photographer who is blaming equipment, the weather, conditions for their lack of good photography. Because all the components are there, but it takes work and effort, its a craft, a skill to learn, hone and develop.. its art.

    So im thinking… yes he is talking to me, as a learning photographer.

    But he’s also talking to me as a human too.

    James, Dont be ‘that’ human – that blames someone else – when I could do something about it.

    Dont be ‘that’ human – that forgets that the difficult and suffering are part of life

    Dont be ‘that’ human that succumbs to getting frustrated when something doesnt happen easily, learning is a challenge..

    Dont be ‘that’ human – that is gets impatient with comparing myself with others – learn to develop myself as I am.

    Dont be ‘that’ human – that forgets that what I need to know is closer that I think, it is within

    Dont be that human – that stops noticing the now, the quiet, the breath

    Dont be ‘that’ human – that doesn’t see the beauty of what’s already in the universe, like light and dark, like texture, colour and change.

    Dont be that human that is harsh on himself, self critical on the cloudy days when ‘nothing’ seems to happen – like today when actually, the drive included rainbows and the walk included kingfishers, but nothing on camera, just still moments of universe blessings.

    James…. dont be ‘that’ human….

    What about you… ?

    So im learning photography. Maybe its giving me an opportunity to learn a lot more too.

    Ill end this piece with a photo from when I was trying to put some learning into practice last weekend, this was me trying to play with light, perspective and settings on Seaton Carew Common beach. Sometimes its only sticks and random pieces of wood that make photos a bit more interesting.

  • The power of belonging.

    ‘May you listen to your longing to be free

    May the frames of your belonging be generous enough for your dreams

    May you arise each day with a voice of blessing whispering in your heart.

    May you find harmony between your soul and your life

    May the Sanctuary of your soul never become haunted

    May you know the eternal longing that lives at the heart of time

    May there be kindness in your gaze when you look within

    May you never place walls between the light and yourself

    May you allow the wild beauty of the invisible world to gather you, mind you and embrace you in belonging. ‘

    John O Donohue, For Belonging , ‘To Bless the space between us’ 2008

    Belonging.

    To Belong.

    To feel at home.

    To feel safe.

    To belong in my own skin, my body and feel comfortable in my mind

    To belong in my spirit.

    Isn’t that what we all, deep down want?

    To be in a place of peace, of rest, of calm.

    A place to belong. To be seen.

    I love the line in the blessing above, ‘May there be kindness in your gaze, as you look within’

    Kindness in my self directed gaze. Kindness.

    Not rushing to the immediate reaction of angst, pain, self loathing, denial. But taking a slower, heart directed route, kindness.

    Making the choice of self compassion. One, slow, step, at a time.

    As I look within. As I feel within.

    Belonging to myself.

    A self warm heart and hug.

    Belonging.

    Self-belonging.

    Kindness and not a self critical eye.

    Kindness and not a dismissive eye.

    But looking, and then reminding myself of the choice to be kind to myself. How I can show belonging to myself.

  • ‘Auto, Bird and Landscape’

    ‘Auto, Bird and Landscape’

    I was out walking yesterday, going to Seal Sands, RSPB Salthome and and also on my way back Cowen Bewley Woodland Park. Over the last few weeks I have been learning a little about photography, I was encouraged by a colleague about my photos, which he saw on my camera, I bought a short book on photography and have watched a few videos on you tube. So yes, even though ive been taking photos using relatively decent camera for over 3 years, for fun. I went on my latest walk armed with slightly more knowledge about taking photos, as well as a little more knowledge about some of the technicalities.

    In a way in regard to taking photos, I was barely ‘doing the technical’ basics, just using a camera to capture what I had seen, where I had been or what I liked.

    And, even without any knowledge of the technicalities, I still took some good shots.

    But even on my 2nd camera, I hadn’t done any homework on how to use it, I just used the automatic settings, which in the main were, Auto, Bird (watching) and Landscape.

    Tell you the truth.

    I was scared of the buttons. I was scared of pressing something and breaking it (childhood voices in my head again), scared too of ‘getting obsessed by something once id opened it (another voice) . And so, though not unlike the MacBook I’m typing this on, I had a fairly expensive (*though not in camera terms) camera, and wasn’t using in its real capacity.

    Without completely remembering these were probably on Auto, Bird and Landscape settings.

    Sometimes I even used the food or Moon settings too. But all the automatic settings on the camera. And they’re not bad.

    Every now and then a birdwatching person would ask me about my camera, and then tell me that I should use the Manual setting. To which I responded with, Oh I’m just new to this, or ‘oh yes’ ill give it a go. Feeling slightly sheepish or inadequate, and to be honest, feeling inadequate wasn’t really an incentive to change.

    I was scared. I was feeling inadequate. I was dismissing my need to change. I didnt have any access to what I would need to help me learn.

    What I noticed today was the parallels between my photography experience, and my life experiences.

    Being scared, feeling inadequate, dismissing my need to change and not having access to what I needed so that I could change, were at least four reasons why when I was deeply struggling for a very long time, I was on Automatic.

    I was on Automatic settings in regard to my emotions, in regard to my responses and triggers. Automatic.

    I had no knowledge of myself, and no value of myself, just like my knowledge of the camera was at a surface level. The toughest layers to crack of my onion were the outer ones.

    I was scared of what I might have to deal with, and what I had been dealt with, scared of the monsters that had done them.

    Feeling hollow, inadequate, shame about what I now needed to ask for help with, and much more besides that has been revealed in the long road of the last few years.

    Pretending and Hiding. Like an Technically brilliant camera, that deserves to be treated more than just in Bird, Auto and Landscape. I mean some buttons on it deserve even to be tried. Just to see what happens.

    So what changed?

    Well, regular readers of my blogs here will have probably read already, vulnerability, rock bottom, a breakdown, love and support , safety and then access to self learning , that’s what my path has taken.

    In regard to photography? Being encouraged and being seen, accepting the guidance of someone who shared their experience and time, and me giving this interest of mine a bit more time and attention, like buying a book on it, and watching some you tube videos on it.

    Im learning. From Auto, bird and Landscape, to now working out what ISO, Shutter speed, light meter and aperture all is, and also thinking more about light, perspective and colours, have all been what ive started, just started to play with and experiment with.

    Because my camera isn’t going to break if I play with the buttons, I just get some weird looking very bright or dark shots like these…

    And, nothing is wasted by experimenting. Actually in real time these shots help me make more adjustments. Today I tried lying down against the edge of a frozen lake, and to get close to the gulls and ducks, spending 30 mins lying on a frozen platform was fun, and being at eye level with the subjects made for better shots. Using a few different settings I got these ones.

    These were the shots I took today.

    Maybe getting good photos takes more vulnerability, to be open to learning, and sacrifice. The deep stuff doesn’t get revealed otherwise. The results might just be worth it too. Maybe that’s a lesson for the whole of life too.

  • The Long Road of Recovering.

    The Long Road of Recovering.

    Yesterday I wrote a piece about how it was 4 years since I picked up my first self help book, when I realised that the damaging effect of, and types of narcissistic behaviour that had dominated my life, that piece is here:

    My Healing started the day I realised the narcissism of my mother

    4 Year ago the same month was also my first session with a therapist, and even deciding to do therapy felt like a deep personal shift in loving myself

    The thing I realised to is that its been 4 years.

    If I’m honest with myself, I kind of knew that the process of recovering from the childhood experiences, the abusiveness of my principle care giver (to give a more technical term), it was going to take significant time. It’ll be one reason why it took me having to hit rock bottom, and also have safe emotional space to start to deal with it.

    Though part of me might have wanted a quick -fix, there was and is no such thing.

    4 years, and the road still continues.

    I wouldnt say that even at this point that ‘I have dealt’ with everything.

    Im just walking. Sometimes slowly. Sometimes sitting on a bench. Sometimes taking a risk and putting my feet in the water. Sometimes letting the metaphorical emotions, memories, dreams and moments be felt on my face, like the wind. Sometimes feel like I’m walking and getting lost or stuck, and in those moments there’s been many tools, and guides along the way, encouaragers and supporters. Revisits to therapy. Reminders of what I knew. Reminders even that in tiring and stressful moments, I’m likely to forget what I knew.

    I still need to remember to breathe. I mean Im not going to be able to walk very far without breathing. But even that basic thing, I can easily forget.

    I still need to remind myself not to avoid feeling feelings – like getting a stone in my shoe on a hike, feel, notice, and respond.

    I still need to remind myself of my own strength, and to be kind on myself – getting lost on a walk might be an adventure in disguise.

    I still need to remind myself to notice the beauty moments along the way. The equivalent of the wild flowers or tiny insects on walk

    as well as some of the larger moments, that seem like clouds shifting and light pouring in. Storms on a walk dont seem fun, but they can shift the air around. With no storms there’s no rainbow.

    I still need be reminded of the universe. The universe that speaks in the loud storm or the colourful rainbow, the tiny insect of the rumbling waters over the weir. To be reminded to listen, and to hear in that moment, to sense, to feel, to appreciate.

    Its a long road.

    Ive had times when I thought, ‘yeah’ I’m sorted now. But then I get the ‘opportunity’ to face something else, to notice something in my shadow, to sense grief, or realise where I had stopped listening. Complacency doesn’t seem to be appropriate on this walk.

    Its a long road and its one step at a time.

    Its a long road, but at least I can sense myself on the road.

    Im not just watching the road, or watching others on the road.

    But sensing that I am on the road. The long road of life

    That I am on.

    I am making it happen. I am walking. One slow step at a time.

    Life on the road.

    Lord I dont know where I’m going, but I am walking.

    One conscious present moment at time.

    The long road – the long road of life,

    The long road – of being conscious me in the moment of each step.

    Learning and Feeling along the way.

    Points of gratitude. Moments of the guiding Universe.

    Tools laid by others, picked up to aid me.

    Reminding myself that I cannot be rushed.

    Step by Step, Moment by Moment.

    Walking, not rushing the long road of recovering.

  • Why I struggle to sleep on a flight

    Why I struggle to sleep on a flight

    There are some people who can sleep on an aeroplane.

    But I, sadly, am not one of them.

    Since February 2020 I have now had the experience of many transatlantic flights to both Montreal and San Diego to meet, visit and spend time with Christelle. At least 12 flights over 6 hours long.

    I had the ‘joy’ of the cancelled flight in July (re arranged to a direct 9hr flight :-)) , and last week a double cancelled, staying overnight in random city (Seattle) only for 2 more flights the next day experience.

    This was me at Seattle…

    Early in my flight experiences I didn’t have many ideas of ‘what to do’ and how it works, so I think on my first Montreal flight I packed a bag full of food, as I didnt click the ‘food option’ but then on the BA flight got a decent 3 course meal, wine, beer and snacks, to my surprise.

    But I often note other people to see what they are doing, like the use of the complimentary cushion, blanket or what’s on their TV to see if that’s something I would like.

    Its not just what other people are doing. I like to know what is going on.

    Every bell noise in the plane, I’m checking to see which of the lights has gone on or off, or whether this causes any sudden movement in the airline crew. What calls are being made. I like to know what’s going on.

    The sleepers I guess dont care, they sleep.

    But for some reason I care, or at least I feel as though I should care or be responsible, or be ready.

    Even after an overnight of 4 hours sleep, and then on the second night flying from Detroit to Heathrow and losing 5 hours, I slept for less than 2 hours, but I at least slept a bit, I think. But it took for me to be completely exhausted to finally sleep, though never feeling that I was actually asleep. The display on the TV went from ‘4hr 40’ to arrival, to ‘1 hr 45’ and I know id been dozing only for much of it.

    What I did this time was have an eye mask on, and ear plugs – and yes ive tried these things before, but they did work for the 2 hours or so this time. It helped me close away from the light and noise that represented things and situations I might need to be aware of.

    Maybe that’s the same as everyone else. But, horror of horrors, there are some people on long distance flights who sleep so well they dont eat or drink anything complimentary? I mean what’s that all about? Who are these people? ;-) Hiding under a blanket and out for the count. Maybe they in that moment are doubly exhausted, and they can just crash.

    But there’s something else.

    There’s three things that come to mind as I reflect on my ‘plane’ sleep experiences.

    The first is my experience of climbing.

    Although I did have some outdoor experiences as a boy, climbing wasn’t one of them, it wasn’t until I was part of the leadership team on young peoples camps in Scotland that I took part in climbing, at two compass centres and on a trip to Edinburgh. I was a nervous, shaking wreck on the first two occasions, trying to get my feet into the ‘sockets’ and my arms reaching up, with barely any arm strength. The third time I went I made a mental note to myself. I would trust the rope. I would trust that the staff had done their work properly to set it up safely, and as a 29 year old I would be ok. But the main thing was, was that I would trust the rope. And I so enjoyed that third climbing experience. Trust.

    The second is that Biblical story of Jesus being asleep in the storm, whilst the waves crash around their boat, Jesus slept, and yet the disciples exclaimed how it could be the case. I guess that some of the disciples stayed awake knowing they felt they had to be responsible for Jesus, given that they knew a little about who he was. As well as try and keep their boat afloat.

    The third thing is that I remember taking ages to get to sleep as a child. I had to stay awake as I simultaneously felt responsible and scared of my emotionally immature psychopathic mother. So, in between reading books, I would be listening at each loud shouting conversation in the kitchen, in the floor below..and it was only one screechy voice that was making the noise. Id be awake listening for each time the hall door would open (as then id turn off my light) or know that the 2nd stair creaked, and then I would turn it off. And then there would be footsteps all the way to my bedroom door, because that’s also where the bathroom door was, next to mine, so I had no idea if I was about to be told off. Often I would be awake long after they would themselves be in bed. It was safe. Many books were read.

    There was no sleep when there was a monster to be aware of.

    Being aware of danger. Trust the rope (plane). Feeling responsible.

    There is a different kind of awareness I often feel on a plane too.

    Its a gap, a space.

    And though I often take books to read (very old school) , what I often find is that I have felt travel tense until I get to the gate and on the plane. However I dont have anything to worry about, there’s travel to the airport (trains to Newcastle or London), security queues and going through it, and any check in required, it doesn’t sound much, writing it, but even with trains on time or a short tube from somewhere in London to Heathrow, I still have some residual travel anxiety. So, getting into my seat on the plane, each time, I get a sense of relief, and also a sense of excitement of the travel to Christelle, which up until then has been mixed with the travel anxiety.

    A breath. An awareness moment on the plane. I go from being anxious about my own getting on the flight process – to then feeling like I am needing to be aware and responsible for other people on the plane. Hence the no sleep. Weird huh. But what I dont have or do on the plane is have wifi – I just charge my phone, eat the food and take time selecting and watching a movie or three. (Yes I have now watched the entire LOTR and Harry Potter films)

    Awareness. Presence. Even on a plane.

    This morning I watched this

    How to be present in 2023 – Eckhart Tolle

    in it he talks about responding to that great challenge… The Cancelled flight. Also about how to have a kind of alertness on a plane. ✈️

    Im learning. I noted how I responded to my double cancelled flight issue of last week, that’s for another piece I think. Life spills over even on 48 hours of travel.

    Tolle talks about the right kind of alertness. About acceptance and surrender.

    Maybe noticing all my feelings is part of all of this. It isn’t taking me long to note how I’m feeling anxious, or overly alert. Sometime my survival skills kick in, other times I give myself the time to stop, note and feel, and remember to breathe. Continually practicing presence.