I thought I would write a short piece to thank the many of you for encouraging me as I have written my story in the last few months. I was hesitant even to start this blog 6 months ago, and I cant believe im nearly at 50 posts on it, what I am even more amazed by is that I have been able to share more personally of my own story. This blog has certainly felt more like ‘Healing for Me’ than ‘Healing for Men’.
And. The story I have told about me, isnt just for Men.
In 6 months of starting this blog. I have had over 4000 views of it, but more importantly a significant number of people have contacted me, or contacted people who have shared these blogs to say that they have helped them realise and reframe what they were going through. For this, I am so so encouraged, and grateful.
A number of themes have emerged in the process of this blog starting, I have undergone a bout of trauma therapy, and began to develop an inner awareness of my inner child, I have read books on trauma and I have begun Yoga. This month I have got through 4 significant dates in my year that cause me to reflect on the no contact relationship I have with my parents.
Theres healing in writing. I wonder if thats something you have done too.
Maybe also, Its not up to me to try and work out what ‘healing for men’ looks like, or try and suggest what that might be. Its not up to me to fix or rescue. Ultimately Im writing because these are reflections and observations I am discovering, mostly discovering about myself, my past, the cultures, I grew up in, the person I became during it. Some of these things will resonate with you, some may not, and thats ok.
So its a quick thank you from me, for being part of this journey so far, for encouraging me in the writing, for listening to my story, for sharing with others. Healing is going to take all kinds of pathways and all kinds of speeds and processes, life is too short for us not to be our true selves, healed and whole.
I cannot remember what I had done. But whatever it was I had been punished for it and then I felt guilt and self loathing afterwards.
All your Sins can be removed if you accept Jesus into your life
(Childrens worker, John Wilkes, 1989, at my church)
Growing up in an abusive evangelical home, I was never far from self loathing.
It couldn’t be anyone else fault that things went wrong, apart from mine. For some reason I was given the responsibility. It was my fault my parents were angry at me.
By the age of 9 I was convinced that shame and guilt was for me to carry. By that age too I was aware of the eggshells I needed to walk on around my parents.
I didn’t deserve to be warm. I didnt deserve the basic essentials.
I already bit my nails so that they were infected and painful. That pain was a place of reality. That pain was safe.
I didnt deserve to be warm either as I took all my duvets and blankets off that night, and it wasn’t summer.
I didnt deserve.
I didnt deserve the essentials. Any actual treat would be difficult to receive.
Being convinced of my own guilt, and shame.
Consequently given the chance to ‘remove that shame’ aged 11 I took it.
But it never really was removed was it?
It doesn’t go away.
In fact in a strange way it becomes more of an obsession.
The Cleansing of Sin game, also paradoxically means focussing excessively on sin, and shame, and guilt all the time. An increased opportunity for me to embed self loathing into my core.
Self loathing is described here as:
Self-loathing is that underlying feeling that we are just not good: not good enough, not good at this, not good at that, not good at – or for –much of anything. It can be subtle, we may habitually compare ourselves to others, for instance, constantly finding fault with ourselves and putting ourselves down, with no real awareness that there is anything amiss. Or, we may listen intently to our critical inner voice while it scolds and berates us, telling us how embarrassing, stupid, or insensitive we are; refusing to challenge it even while we suffer from it.
We may try to suppress this feeling of inadequacy by behaving as though we are superior to others; more intelligent, clever, intuitive, or attractive. It’s as though we have to prove that we are the absolute best in order to avoid the torrent of internal abuse waiting to pounce the moment we show any fallibility.
If God wasn’t always watching me, then there was always eggshells going off at home.
I dont deserve.
Awareness of personal sin, that leads to self denial and self loathing, thats what was happening to me.
I fell into the cycle, the trap. I wasn’t good enough, nothing I did was good enough, I couldn’t fix it, I dont deserve…
At age 10 I was more sinned against and didnt have parents who took any emotional responsibility (let alone other responsibilities) , but that wasn’t the message in church. The message I needed to hear, and the one that ‘saved’ me as a christian, was one that tried to alleviate the undeserving feelings I felt. My sin. Yet, the greatest ‘sin’ I had was that I would never be good enough or meet their needs. It was less sin but guilt and shame I wanted rid of. But that wasn’t going to be possible.
The songs that I listened to, ‘christian music’ in the 1990’s were full of the same self loathing, that I was feeling
What if I stumble, what if I fall, what if I lose my step and I make fools of us all
(DC Talk, Jesus Freak 1991)
Whats going on inside of me, I despise my own behaviour’
(DC Talk, I want to be in the light, 1991)
I am the only one to blame for this, Somehow it all adds up the same
(Worlds apart, Jars of Clay 1993)
Growing up evangelical meant being obsessed by personal shame and guilt. It meant also taking on the feeling of responsibility for not only my own failings but also where I had ‘failed’ to make things better for others, revolving around the perpetual needs of others.
Would I say I hated myself?
Parts of me yes. Parts of me no.
The intellectual trying. Trying to be the best. Trying to prove myself even more.
Self loathing meant feeling shame.
Perpetuated from how I felt.
Scratching my body at times, twisting and pulling my hair out. All signs of the same. Comfort eating.
A continual loop throughout most of my teenage years, though, continued until not that long ago to be honest, and unlearning it is so hard.
Trying to say too myself that ‘I do deserve this, because I am ok’ is against 40 years of default.
Lindsey Gibson in her book ‘Adult children of emotionally immature parents’ (2015) writes the following:
Many internalisers subconsciously believe that neglecting oneself is a sign of being a good person. When self absorbed parents make excessive claims on their children energy and attention, they teach them that self-sacrifice is the worthiest ideal- a message that internalising children are likely to take very seriously. These children do not realise that their self sacrifice has been pushed to unhealthy levels due to their parents self-centredness. Sometimes these parents use religious principles to promote self sacrifice, making their children feel guilty for wanting anything for themselves. In this way religious ideas that should be spiritually nourishing are instead used to keep idealistic children focussed on taking care of others’
(Lindsay C Gibson, 2015, pp120-121)
The question is how do you unlearn this? How did I?
Its step by step. Clocking it.
Realising that gradually when I say to myself that ‘I dont deserve’ something, its a part of my, my critical voice, that has been active too long.
Realising that as I went to the supermarket on Saturday after having a bit of a wobbly day, and trying to convince myself that it was ‘ok’ to buy myself cake, and a treat. Yes, I guess that having to second guess myself to treat myself, comfort myself, still shows that theres still a large of part of me that has a default of not doing so.
When we are tired we are attacked by Ideas we conquered a long time ago
Nietzche
Or, maybe when we are tired, and finding it a tough day, we revert to the self talk of not that long ago, whilst we are still trying to embody a new way of being.
Part of my breaking down and rebuilding started with recognising that not everything is my fault. Part of my healing has been to realise that I need not carry decades of responsibility. To not hold it any longer.
My default of 40 years was to think I dont deserve.
Maybe that is you too.
I thought I didnt deserve what I needed. I though I didn’t deserve to feel happy. I felt shame, guilt and self loathing for what I continuously self internalised, encouraged and abetted by my parents and also the strand of evangelical christianity in which I had a strong identity and safety in.
Part of healing is to name and be close to the things that were unhealthy, harmful and caused me (and you) to feel unhealthy, shame and destructive.
So I just wanted to say to you, say to me.
You do deserve it.
Beautiful human you.
Breaking down might mean breaking away from the self loathing.
‘You are enough’
If that is the case, then let it go. Shed that skin. It wasn’t doing you any good, none at all.
Time to wake up the real you.
Its hard road Im on, unlearning 40 years of the same shame.
(This blog is written by James and Christelle to accompany their latest video which is here, in which we ask the same question. We would like to prompt a conversation about this, and would like to hear from you and invite you into the conversation.)
This blog is dedicated to those who have supported us on our journey.
It is also for those whose hidden journeys are yet to be revealed.
Why?
Because we are wondering if there is a trend going on.
James; When I was first volunteering in Youth Ministry back in the 1990’s, there were a number of studies done about the difference in ‘generations’. The reason was that youth ministry then, and now, became about relevance. Discovering what each generational demographic was broadly like, became a guide, and marker. What we didn’t really hear about was stuff about the potential of generational trauma to be passed down from one generation to the next. Why do I say this?
Well..because…
It seems like there are a significant number of people in their mid/late 30s through to 50’s (Generation x born 1965-1980) who are undergoing a realisation of the emotional abuse/trauma from the parents who were born around 1945-1960 (the baby boomers)?
Why might that be?
We’re not sure that Generation X has hit ‘mid-life’ crises all at once.
‘Mid-life crisis’ ….doesn’t equate to the number of people who are having their eyes open to the realisation of the horror of the behaviour they were subjected to as children or adults, by their Baby boomer parents.
Descriptors like entitled, precious, favourite princess babies (after the war), narcissist, self obsessed, driven, also.. busy, aloof… are all words that fit the behaviour of many parents from the Baby Boomer generation.
Psychologists and counsellors have also said the same, in the following books.
Maybe its now when Generation X have had enough, and started to make different decisions, rather than accommodate abuse.
Instead its time to deal with it, by working on themselves.
Realising that they werent the problem all along.
Maybe, as in our own case, we realised that we played rescuer, and it was a role that was exhausting. It’s time to devolve that responsibility to those who should have it themselves. It’s easy to be forced into the rescue game for those who play victim and persecutor. Its ironic also, that generation X will continue to over stretch taking responsibility for an older generation as they age.
What caused it?
We could go further back and make an argument that the parents of Baby Boomers could be ‘at fault’ – but this isn’t about blame. Blaming upwards, or not taking responsibility, is what we’ve heard all our lives.
We are already the generation who has taken responsibility – by fighting on climate change, poverty, young people, equality and many other matters, we are already equipped with knowing that if it’s going to change, only we can change it. We’re also seeing our children fight for justice at an earlier age again.
Blame won’t change the pattern. We already know change starts with us.
But we’re wondering – is there some kind of collective generational trauma revealing and healing going on?
So, are Generation X adults undergoing a collective healing from Baby Boomer parents?
Open question..What are your thoughts?
Please comment below, please do share this post or our video. Maybe talking about it might mean that you can know you’re not alone.
If you would like to watch the accompanying video to this blog it is here:
I really have toyed with this one all week, I didn’t want to continue the series on surviving a psychopath parent, because what I needed to do this week was to take stock a bit, and be kind on myself, given that this weekend is Mothers day.
And it started to bite in the middle of the week.
Feelings.
Now that I’m aware of them, I hate them too. Gave myself a headache.
Every year I used to go through the life triggering, upsetting event of trying to find a suitable mothers day card for an abusive mother. Pretend, lie, or send a blank one.
The same routine for as long as I can remember. Since being an early teen, easily that long.
I mean they are all sickening.
Why?
Because it was the done thing. Because also I would be used to hearing…
You’ll upset her if you dont
Yes, because I would be the rescuer wounding the victim.
I had already decided that I wouldn’t be sending a card this year, unless Clintons cards advertised that they had broadened their range to include honest sentiments like
‘On mothers day, here’s a card because it avoids drama’
‘To an emotionally immature parent, Happy Mothers day’
‘Im sending this because its tradition and not much more’
That was the beginning of the week. Passive aggressive suggestions for the mothers day card that Im not going to send.
Then I realised that, as per the Drama triangle, her emotions are her responsibility, and not mine.
But that doesn’t take away from the 40 years of hearing those words.
You’ll upset your mother
Lindsay C Gibson writes:
Do you remember a time when they used fear, guilt, shame or self doubt to make you do what they wanted? What worked best on you? What type of emotional coercions are you most vulnerable to? What physical sensations do you get when someone is trying to make you feel bad for their benefit? (Gibson 2019, Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents)
So I clocked it. Realised it. Felt it with a headache.
Gave myself time.
Realised what was going on.
Resisting the urge to buy a mothers day card.
But then.
Mothers day.
The week before.
I may avoid going through the motions in a feat of honesty to myself. But…
Then I felt something else.
Good grief.
Grief.
Grief, because I can’t send a Clintons sickening Mothers day card?
Grief, beyond the passive aggression?
I mean is it possible to miss the mother you never had?
but you should be grateful James, at least…..
Please do not suggest how I might be grateful on this one.
I am allowed to feel…I should feel what I actually feel…
I mean does anyone actually have the kind of relationship with their parents depicted in Clintons cards? oh you do.. oh..
grief because whilst you’ve spent your life on eggshells everyone else has been having picnics?
dont be so sensitive James…everyone has ‘issues’ with their parents…
you shouldn’t compare James…
Realising that you even have to talk your way out of the truth of the situation, the truth of the feelings.
Being aware that this time of the year is mixed with many emotions, and im not grieving a relationship thats broken down, because it was a relationship that never was, and feeling grief for the parents I never had.
Grieving what you never had, at the same time realising how you survived the parents that you actually did have. Grief for the time wasted, and the emotions damaged and the trauma invoked.
Grief for the mothers day cards I could never send.
All the resources referred to, and links, can be found above in the Menu.
(because that’s the role I have in mind for myself)
I cant cope with… what youve just said, what youve just done….
(you’re expected to alleviate me, not challenge me, you’re supposed to soothe things…)
You just need to take more responsibility
(thats interesting, because ultimately, I’m taking all the responsibility, and I’m the child in the house)
Since I published the last part of my survival story, I was reflecting on the drama triangle on my other blog, Learning from the Streets, which I wrote *obviously for youthworkers, like myself who can get stuck in that cycle. Maybe it took the penny to drop a little bit. To realise the extend to which the drama triangle was being played out in my childhood home, and also in more recent situations. When I think about my own issues with codependency, they go back to the role I was expected to play as a child.
Because, if the roles of Persecutor and Victim have already been taken, in the one psychopathic parent, and they control who assumes the other roles.
I became the grown up child, like I said in my part 5, who took on the emotionally rescuing role, the ‘grown up’ , was told that I was the person that ‘could alleviate’ the emotional pain of the psychopath parent, and so, along with the eggshells to be aware of, I also became attuned to the moments where I had to step in and perform the rescuing duties.
When the psychopath shifted from persecutor, to persecuted, the role of rescuer needed to be filled, and significant guilt/expectation was made, its not like I was able to say no.
Seen through a drama triangle, the Emotionally immature parents distorted narrative of relationships is one of endless conflict; the strong exploit the innocent, who then suffer and deserve to be rescued by someone else. (Lindsay C Gibson, 2019)
What this meant, as I said in the previous part of this story, was surviving emotionally alone. Though I will say, that I was rarely cast as victim in the cycle, the persons who bore this weight, was my younger sister, and also, any other female in the family too, who my psychopathic parent had to continually be superior over. If my sister was victim, or even persecutor when she kept boundaries herself, then I was tasked with playing rescuer.
When I was about 10 or 11 I remember a time when my parent, who maintained a level of control by being a primary school dinner lady (that’s what they were called in the 1980’s) was hit by a football in the playground, or fell over and damaged her arm, it ended up in a sling. I remember the incident, because of the level of upset I felt about it. I remember my teachers trying to reassure me, that my mums arm would be ok. What I remember is that my over reaction to this incident emotionally was that I felt guilty for not protecting her, I, as a 10 year old, hadn’t stopped the ball, or the fall, or whatever it was. That was the reason for my reaction, I hadn’t fulfilled my role as rescuer. Was I about to get into trouble from the over emotional parent for not protecting them?
In an emotionally toxic family upbringing, where strong persecutor and victim roles are taken, then rescuer was the only ‘safe’ place for me to be, not that I realised it at the time. But what that meant was having all the emotional responsibility, though that wouldn’t be admitted to (that would require a level of self reflection from someone incapable of it) .
What I didn’t realise at the time (well who would as a child) was the extent which this drama was played out, neither did I realise that having to take on this responsibility as a child was emotionally abusive, and done behind closed doors. It shouldn’t have happened, but thats what psychopathic parenting does.
Surviving meant rescuing, but then what I did was shut down. When I began to realise how draining and destructive this was, I stated to shut down, so that my psychopathic parent did then receive any emotion from me. I went rigid and gave her no emotion, whether anger, or joy. Detaching from my emotions in that unsafe space was what I had to do to survive. I know now, my core self was protecting itself. Putting up an internal boundary to protect the inner child in me that had barely been seen or nurtured.
Part 6 of my survival story is about me recognising how I developed into the role of child healer and rescuer. Part of my survival story, was about trying to make things better in the family, doing the emotional heavy duty lifting, and ‘trying to make things better’ when actually there weren’t adults in it taking any emotional responsibility for themselves. Surviving meant being responsible for others in a drama triangle that they were creating. Part of my healing now, is to stop myself taking on responsibility, becoming aware of codependency, constructing boundaries and practicing emotional health.
(A client remarked) he’d spent his adulthood trying to let go of his past, and he remarked how ironic it was that he had to get closer to it in order to let it go. (Kolk , The Body keeps the Score, 2014)
Not many say this and live to tell the tale, though if you have been following along with my other posts, you will know that not all psychopaths are serial killers, some happen to be church leaders, with this being one of the top 10 professions where a psychopath might be.
My psychopath was on the emotional variety, someone who showed instinctively no generosity, empathy or responsibility, easily upset others without any idea that they had done so, and then was as easily upset when challenged (see Darvo, for the pattern), or when not getting their way, when no one was talking to them, and consistently did shocking behaviour, that shocked. There was a high regard for rules, conformity and loyalty, and above all would say that they were being just like any parent by doing all this.
I remember a friend say to me a few years back that the different between himself and a rock star, was that he was given lego to play with as a child. I sort of recognise this, a bit, the implication was that unless you had had a challenging background, that didn’t involve material items, you were more likely to express your anger for the material lack in poetic song writing and singing. I know its more complicated that that in terms of resources needed to make it (though you tube music has flattened the hierarchy somewhat since this comment to me in 2005) . Thats the thing about emotionally abusive parents.
You often get Lego. Sometimes the material is a good foil for the emotional lack. Challenge them, and they plea ungratefulness. This is one reason why, for so long I couldn’t put my finger on what it was about my upbringing. The material, certainly the basic needs were mostly met, even in dire times of recessions. But ‘home’ was neither good, nor safe.
Its difficult to question the emotionally immature, because they’re defensive, and they accuse you of being ungrateful. Its how they operate. The gifts I received were different to my sister, though apparently ‘we were treated the same’ .. oh, and they are never gifts.
But there’s nothing poetic about feeling alone and trapped, but then again, I realised the other day that I quite liked the pop songs that mention the feeling of being alone, Tiffany for one, and Voice of the Beehive (Perfect Place) was another, I still have that, on cassette. Rage against the alone ness wouldn’t have made good rock though.
I’m reading ‘The Body Keeps the score’ (Kolk) at the moment, and realise that so many of my memories for childhood revolve around being embarrassed, humiliated, controlled and bullied by my psychopath parent. I realise to that the only place I felt safe, was a place that evoked her anger when she was jealous of it. Jealous that I might be meeting the needs of others, and not her. Without a safe space I don’t know how I would have survived, though in reality anywhere where my parents weren’t, and who didn’t talk to them, was a safe place. Food was safe too, but it was also unhealthy comfort eating.
I became the helper, people pleaser, though also, this was so that I didnt go home. Staying behind to chat to the leaders at church, out the chairs away, and not want to go home, stay out late after school, doing anything but, be home, and then ultimately shut off, and go into survival mode.
The mode I must have been in since a very early age. Avoiding, coping, surviving, hiding, alone.
Thats enough for now.. because theres alot to say about disassociation, about trauma and emotions and ill write that in the next piece on surviving a psychopath, and at what cost…
Use the ‘next post’ link below to follow the story…
Just saying this out loud is pretty phenomenal, or is it?
I mean didn’t you all do the facebook quiz ‘Discover if your mum is a psychopath and get a high score…? no, I thought not…
Its a bit different from that Johnny Briggs TV show of my own childhood, ‘My mum, who’s a nurse… ‘
When I started blogging nearly 10 years ago, I did not think that this would be the blog I would write.
Probably because at that time I lived in blissful ignorance, actually, numbed trauma reaction, to the extent of my parents emotional coercion and abuse.
Was it ever possible to see? Yes, and everyone knew more than they realised. But it wasn’t possible for me to see it.
So, it was no surprise to me this year when I realised that my mum is a psychopath. Actually it meant that all the pieces fit together.
It was one thing to realise that I was subject to emotional abuse as a child.
It was another thing to categorise my parent as a narcissist
It was a step further still to regard her as a psychopath. But honestly, its the only accurate conclusion.
It wasn’t a shock in anyway when it was pointed out to me by two separate people in the last year, one of whom knows her pretty well.
I realised something else this year too.
You know that thing where some kids defend their parents and are loyal to them, even when they raise the alarm about abuse, or when others attract their parents. Theres a natural defence and loyalty from children to parents at times, despite everything.
This is not something I have ever consciously felt. It was only this year when I realised that I hadn’t ever stood up for them. So, something must have happened when I was a young child, and thanks to trauma therapy I’ve worked, and working through this.
I have always known that my parents, mum especially, was weird. But an 11 year old isn’t going to come to this clinical realisation. A 31 year old didn’t either.
And in the main, a number of you reading this, if this makes it to my home town, or places where they have lived, also know.
You felt it, but couldn’t put your finger on it. You were bullied, then played as a victim. You were taken from, and never given to. Gifts were never without reason. Social moments where often of shock, and orientated around her. They played people off each other , all the time. Unable to see or understand why they aren’t liked.
In his book ‘Surrounded by psychopaths’ Eriksen suggest that there are 20 behaviour traits that a psychopath is likely to display much of the time. (I know there is A PPI test too.) She scores very high.
These behavioural things include:
Grandiosity, Jealousy, Shallow feelings/emotions, Egocentricity, Superficial charm, Role playing, pathological lying, cunning and manipulative, entitled, need for stimulation, early behaviour problems, parasitic lifestyle, lack of realistic long term goals, failure to accept any responsibility, juvenile delinquency, Callous.
But it wasn’t a shock. It was more a dawning reality that helped me explain who I am. Helped me explain my life choices, and the divisions within my family, that kept everyone apart.
So, im 42, 43 soon, and have lived 41 of those years trying to appease, exist and revolve my life a psychopath parent. A parent, or parents in which none of these are true . Parents who exist only in the drama triangle, and perpetuate DARVO .
When I have shared this with a few people, they have said that they were sorry. Sorry for me, that this is what I have had to realise or face in my upbringing.
As Lindsey Gibson writes too, Emotionally immature people (a term that encompasses psychopath, narcissist, sociopath) also disassociate. Dissociative personality disorder is evident in my parents. This has enabled one of them to commit shocking behaviours in their entire life, and not feel any remorse or guilt, or shame, and certainly not take any responsibility, amongst other things. But switching personalities, roles and identities was common.
So, in piecing all the behaviour together, the trauma, the terror, the victim role playing, the dissociation. I had only one unenviable conclusion.
My mother is a psychopath. She’s also Evangelical.
My mother; The Christian Psychopath.
I grew up with a psychopath in the home.
Now I know it, its time to live with the awareness, heal from emotional trauma and be the person i am meant to be.
(PS. Im aware that there will not ever be a diagnosis. Thats just the point, they wouldn’t actually go themselves, voluntarily, and even in any court case it would be difficult to prove. No one walks into their GP and says ‘ can I have a psychopath test please?’ and thats just the point. Admitting this would even mean acknowledging a self awareness, that is absent. )
The resources that helped me identify all this are here
One of the benefits of being a survivor of emotional domestic abuse is that you can see the patterns of behaviour
One of the disadvantage of being a survivor of emotional domestic abuse is that you can see the patterns of behaviour, everywhere, and at times, like I was when watching Stranger things recently, I get triggered by them.
Growing up I was perceptive. Smart was a word people used also. I had to be, it was a survival mechanism to stay afloat with the narcissist in the house.
What I couldn’t do as a child was articulate emotional abuse. How could I? – who can – its difficult enough when the bruise is visible.
What I have become aware of as I have recovered from, and then read further about emotional and psychological abuse is that it is possible to see patterns.
As someone perceptive, observant, and probably under went hyper-vigilence, anxiety and fear as a child, with emotionally immature parents , add the perceptivity to the knowledge and then patterns start to appear.
Not only do the perpetuators of emotionally abusive acts, act in similar ways, their response when they are confronted is also similar.
Its a cycle, and one that I want to bring awareness of, for those who have to deal with safeguarding, and bringing people to account who display such personalities.
The first step is Denial.
Of course they aren’t going to accept what they did, often a denial is in the form of denial (and then a reason is given for why they actually did what they did do, even though they denied doing it) There could also be a distracting acceptance here, ‘Of course I didnt do this, I couldn’t do this.. but I may have done this…'(instead, or smaller crime)
By the way an emotionally immature person is famous for behaviours that are so wrong that no one would have thought to make up rules against it. Like preside over the insurrection, often stealing things, like democracy, but could be other items, or any crime. (Lindsay Gibson, 2019)
The second is Accuse
This can often be at the same time as the next two stages, but, Accuse – can look like scapegoating someone else, blaming them. It can be the classic and well trodden accusation that ‘everyone is being sensitive’ or ‘we got very upset when we were accused of’ – or ‘we were hurt by all your anger’ or there is a personal attack on the whistleblower somewhere in there. ‘They are emotional/sensitive/jealous , trying to destroy my job/ministry’
This leads to the third thing…
Notice how in part 2, they switched from perpetrator to victim..then..
Part 3 is Reverse Victim-Offender
They literally swap. In front of your very eyes. Its the tears of the girl who cries wolf, when she beat up the younger sister whilst looking after the wolf. Its the person who claims to be the victim, after being accused of doing something that they cannot conceive was in any way offensive. But they will turn from bully to victim in the blink of an eye.
They often then seek support from those who only see this side of them. Them as perpetual victims. Some people only see themselves as this, therefore are almost delusional to the offence and coercive control that they are actually perpetuating.
Can you imagine what its like as a child, or adult for that matter, seeing this in front of you? When you have seen with your own eyes that abusive people have acted inappropriately and then in the blink of an eye play victim. And play the kind of emotionally immature victim that seeks the child to console them, and be on their side. Imagine how a child might try and articulate all of this and what they might be expected to do. Some parents appear as the victims of the times they bullied their own children. Yes. Ill say it again. Some parents assume the role of victim after they have bullied their own children. And then expect the other child to be on the parents side.
So, before I digress too far.
Patterns.
After the abuse is when you see them. Though, not everyone believes you even when you can see them. Or if you’ve lived through it. one of the things to look for when dealing with emotional abuse, gaslighting, narcissism, psychopathy, is that DARVO is often apparent.
What to do about it, is to be aware of it, and discover ways of not letting the Darvo monsters play you off in their game. Thats when you become their flying monkeys and enmeshed by them. Start to feel sorry for someone emotionally immature/narcissistic and all of a sudden your life, and previous friends, and families are divided into ruins..and so is your church, or entire nation when previously (USA) or currently (UK) led by one.
If you are in a position of responsibility in churches, and especially in safeguarding one, then DARVO is definitely something you need to read up on.
In my last piece I shared a little about how, based on Lindsay Gibsons book, ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’ , I coped with this by becoming an internaliser as opposed to reacting to it as an externaliser would.
In this second part I though I would summarise some of the behaviours that are characteristic of emotionally immature parents, and people, and, dare I say it, organisations and churches too, who are full of emotionally immature externalisers. In my next part ill look at strategies that Gibson recommends to dealing with Emotionally immature parenting. But first, here’s a snapshot of some of the common actions and behaviours that befit emotional immature parenting, if these things are common, then I would recommend both of Lindsey Gibsons books on this, and also a conversation with a therapist.
This is a tough read, and so I include a trigger warning.
These are what it feels like to have an emotionally immature parent (or more than one) Ive expanded a few of these.
You feel lonely around them
Interactions feel one sided and frustrating
You feel coerced and trapped
They come first, and you are secondary (at best)
They won’t be emotionally intimate or vulnerable with you (unless to get you on their side- the trick of the psychopath)
They communicate through emotional contagionthis is where you are expected to guess their needs, and guess accurately otherwise its like to result in phrases like ‘if you loved me you’d know what I need; – they expect you to be constantly attuned to them
They dont respect your boundaries or individuality
You do the emotional work in the relationshipYou’re the one who has to reconnect and reconcile, they often make things worse by projecting blame, accusing others and disowning responsibility, they will more that likely be adamant that it was what you did or didn’t do that cause the problem; ‘if only you had known better and done what they asked’
You lose your Emotional autonomy and mental freedom – because EI parents see you as an extension of themselves, they disregard your thoughts and feeling, instead they claim the sole right to judge . They respond with shock if your feelings dont match theirs (given that you are ‘just’ an extension of them) Your feelings are either good or bad.
They can be killjoys and even sadistic – this to other people and their children, they barely take pleasure in other peoples happiness, often taking shine off their childrens pride (so I hid my accomplishments) They often famous for deflating their childrens dreams (if they express them). Sadism goes beyond this and is where they take pleasure in inflicting pain, humiliation and restraint on a living being, they can enjoy making their child feel desperate.
As a reaction to the above, the child of an or more than one (I have 2) emotionally immature parents is affected in the following ways:
You feel responsible for their feelings
you feel exhausted and apprehensive
You feel you can’t say no
You feel defeated when you try and solve their problems
You feel accused of letting them down
You have overly intense emotional reactions to them – they transfer their feelings to you
According to Gibson, Emotionally Immature Parents reveal themselves in the following ways, in how they approach life
They are fundamentally fearful and insecure because they act like they were never truly loved, they are terrified of losing status or ceasing to matter
They need to dominate and control – the dominant parent try to control others, the passive emotionally immature parent go along with whatever the dominant one desires. They dominate by taking over your emotions, treating you in ways which induce fear, shame, guilt and self doubt, and from this point you are the problem, not them. They feel better once you’re the bad one, but only temporarily because nothing makes them feel secure for long.
They define themselves and others by roles. Roles are central to an emotionally immature parents security and self identity. They certainly expect others to to stay in clear cut roles. They categorise people into dominant or submissive, equal relationships make them uneasy. They take liberties with boundaries so they keep you in a position they feel comfortable with.
They are ego-centric, not self reflective. They put their own needs and desires first and are entitled to what they want and rarely look at themselves objectively, they seldom question their own motives and reactions. They would rarely wonder if they were causing any of their own hardships. Personal growth is not a concept they relate to, and are usually derisive of it (‘I’m not the one that needs counselling’) growth is unpredictable because they often do not respond well with change as it gives insecurity. they can leave people stunned by their inappropriate comments, and if confronted they say ‘I was only saying what I thought’ as if speaking out loud were normal behaviour.
They blame others and excuse themselves
They are impulsive and don’t tolerate stress and are usually impatient of others, being often very unable to soothe themselves, requiring others to do this for them, and want problems to go away as quickly as possible, their attempts to avoid stress, make things even more stressful.
They use coping mechanisms that resist reality – they distort, deny or dismiss facts they dont like – whether its the virus, climate change or something relating to a challenge of their fixed reality system. At the lowest level a person may lose touch with reality and turn psychotic.
Reality is determined by emotions – ie by how it feels to them and they do this to the extreme. They way it feels is the way it is. Everything and everybody should be what she thought they should be.
They deny and dismiss the reality of other peoples feelings
Their intense feelings oversimplify reality –they have intense all or nothing emotions , oversimplifying people and situations into categories of all good or all bad, they hold back feeling complicated emotions, so there is little balancing or tempering them. Emotional maturity requires a balancing, tempering and the acceptance of a simultaneous mixture of emotions
They disregard reality time sequence . Emotionally immature parents (and others) live in the immediate emotional moment and can be oblivious to the chain of causation over time. For instance they may be blisteringly oblivious to how their recent behaviour has made them unwelcome, they cant see why things shouldn’t go back to normal when they are ready to interact again. They are famous for saying ‘that was then, this is now’. The future isn’t a real consideration, so they feel free to burn bridges, deceive and lie. In fact lying is a reasonable solution, they often dont realise that their lies will catch up with them, and dont care that lies promote suspicion. Oh and because of this its maddening to get someone who is emotionally immature to take responsibility for their actions. because to them after the event is ‘over, and you need to move on…like I have’
Their thoughts about life are simplistic , literal and rigid. they might sound like they are being catchy and decisive, but if you examine the words closely, they are often trite that isnt anything new, which is different from a mature wise person who leaves you pondering the thoughts for a long time. (Boris speeches won’t last long in the memory, neither will Trump) Emotionally immature people get more single minded the greater the stress.
They become obsessive. They only see the good guys and the bad guys, and dwell obsessively on someone who has wronged or betrayed them
They use superficial logic to shut down feelings. Emotionally immature people demand that you soothe their emotional needs, but often trivialise yours often using trivial logic.
And finally, I want to share some of the tactics that Emotionally immature people, and parents use in their coercion and takeover tactics. The trick is to see it and not be overtaken by it, though as children this is virtually impossible. The common tactics they use are:
Self doubt undermines your authority and self worth – EI people withdraw emotional connection when you express thoughts or feelings they dont like. ‘the quiet treatment’
Fear makes you easier to control – Emotionally immature people are geniuses at instilling fear and making you feel unsafe. All the time. Once you feel afraid you are more likely to do what they say and put them first.
You inhibit yourself – not only their feelings but you start to be afraid of your own feelings
You often feel guilty – Guilt should be a brief corrective signal, n to a chronic condition, not to hate yourself. Emotionally immature parents, people and religions exploit the coercive potential of guilt. EI parents make their children feel guilt over not sacrificing enough, or survivor guilt when whoever they have a happier life than their parents.
Feelings of shame make you easy to dominate. Thats why EI parents remember all your embaraasng negative stories. Shame comes about when EI parents/peopls use phrases like ‘are you crazy?’, how dare you, you shouldn’t feel that way – children conclude from these reactions that there is something wrong with them.
Shame for having needs, this is annihilating and confusing. Often we can equate the emotionally devoid childhood we had as our own fault, rather than the fear of shame which controls us to not realise we were treated badly. Emotional parents and people have so much buried shame themselves they cant help their children understand it.
Theres so much more in these chapters in her second book, which I highly recommend. As I read it it raises so many questions of not only my parents and my own parenting, but also how the same people act in their workplaces, communities and also the signs of all of this behaviour on the world stage, in politics, churches and organisations.
In my part 3 ill be sharing more from Lindsays second book, on what is required to resist all the emotional take overs and tactics.
As you get to the end of this piece, I want to tell you that if can see these things in your parents, then none of it has been your fault, and that your time to be you, free is about to happen. The road is so hard, but for you, it is worth it. Because you are valuable. Now is your time. It is most definitely mine.
Instead of just linking to an authors books, here is an excerpt from Lindsays blog, and where you can purchase her books, do follow and benefit from her considerable expertise on this most challenging of subjects:
I have quoted extensively from Lindsay Graham, please do purchase her books, as I have done and reflect further on emotional immaturity and how it has affected your life.
Lindsay has also appeared on a number of podcasts, and took part in this interview
Following up from Jennis piece about thankfulness as resistance , Christelle and I watched the above talk by Anthony de Mello on Sunday evening. I picked it, with the subject of freedom, as this resonates so much with us all at the moment in the cycles of abuse and being free.
What I didnt realise as I watched was Anthony was about to share how gratitude is a freeing process. For in the video he describes how we can be free, as we practice gratitude and thankfulness.
Whether its bad previous experiences, good ones, possessions, fears and ambitions, his instruction is very similar.
He says, when youre ready to, look at the thing, as if picking it out from the filing cabinet, look at it, talk to it, and say to it something like ; ‘__________, I learned ______ from that experience, thank you for teaching me, I do not need to keep being reminded of you’
or for an item, what he describes, is very similar to what Maria Kondo was suggesting last year, describe it, and thank it for how it helped, how it did the thing it meant to do, and the memories, but now its time to be gifted to someone else.
Through the process Anthony is suggesting that gratefulness is a process of freedom.
Its not about holding those things, and living in the past, the fears, or nostalgia, neither is it aboiut collecting items or ambitions.
Freedom is a process of gratitude.
We can be free, from the horrors of the past, from the traumas, and be in safe places, with our minds still tormented. Freedom involves us being able to look at it, calmly, and somehow, acknowledge it, and speak to it, taking the power away from it, and to us.
James Ballantyne 