I have stood and made a number of commitments to others.
Commitments to workplace ideals and agreements
Commitments to the terms and conditions of a large purchase
Commitments to the planet as I have tried at times to reduce my carboin footprint, buy organic or grow my own
Commitments to others in relationships.
Commitments to a God, recommitments on a regular teenage basis
Commitments as new year resolutions? – what have they been like for you?
Whats been the biggest struggle for me in terms of commitment?
Commitment to myself
In all my existence, I have only notionally given any thought to making commitments to myself.
There was the time when I was 40 when I decided to do more exercise before my 40th Birthday, and cut down alcohol and reduce food.
It still felt like an external change. Even if my body did appreciate it at the time.
I barely gave any thought to myself. I barely could.
I had been conditioned to think that to think of myself was selfish
I had been conditioned to revolve emotionally around others
I had such an aching emptiness inside that I thought ‘helping others’ was what brought be me joy.
So what could I commit to myself?
External things, like food, exercise and bodily health. Not unimportant.
It wasn’t in balance.
I wouldn’t say I was selfless, though I was at times accused of being selfish for even considering that I had needs.
And I poured out from a completely empty vessel. Because that was exactly what I was used to being.
Neglected and empty, and used to it.
Don’t get me wrong it wasnt that I rejected self-care because I thought it was worthless – though I acknowledge that in the past I may have scoffed a projection of what worth it might do – that was just my defensive survival talk speaking. Why bother with self care – I’ve managed without it? Id rather just tell others about it.
And that’s it isn’t it; before being able to commit to myself, before being able to protect myself, before being able to listen to myself
I had to acknowledge myself
I had to start to recognise that I had a self worth valuing
Some of that started with getting to know myself – self knowledge
Continuing with the ‘feeling of feelings’ ,
and over the course of the last 3-4 years being on a path of self acceptance, self knowledge, self awareness to where I am now, which again is in a process of therapy, and also finishing a counselling course – and reading books on self understanding
What I began without realising it was a path of deep self discovery, a path of rebelling my external intelligence, with internal intelligence too
What might it look like to make commitments to myself, as I am now?
A commitment to personal growth? A commitment to ongoing spiritual and emotional growth?
Committing myself to thinking positively of myself
A commitment to love myself, including the parts of me that have been hidden or frightened?
A commitment to accept raw and vulnerability as part of the process of rebuilding
A commitment to keep listening to myself, my inner voice, my spiritual child within?
A commitment to prioritise myself maybe?
A commitment to value being present perhaps?
A commitment to the slow, and not the fast? The slow rebuild….
A commitment to not give everything away? (NB – I have written a lot in the last 4 weeks, and its not for you here)
In Gary Zukavs book ‘Spiritual Partnership’ he outlines five commitments for his own spiritual and emotional growth, which have inspired me to think about commitment; his are;
- Focus on what I can learn about myself
- Pay attention to my emotions
- Pay attention to my thoughts
- Pay attention to my intention
I reflect on my own journey. From denial of myself, to understanding and acceptance of myself, to loving myself – yes its taken a while, yes its not been without tears and revelations of my own responsibilities, behaviour and choices, and also my life survival requirements – but to be in a position of even considering making commitments to myself, for my own sake, for my own well being. How might I pledge these 5 things for myself – and what difference will it continue to make, for me, and others around me, such as Christelle, my kids, family, work…?
So I ask – what commitments have you made to prioritise your own spiritual and emotional self?
Not ideals, but self pledges, self determination, to stay as real, the best I and you can be – what might it be for you?
James Ballantyne 