A simple walk.
Yet, it was so much more.
But it was just a walk.
Going for a walk, that meant something.
It meant pushing through with the motivation to ‘get out’ and walk, in the grey and wet.
For it was miserable.
I left my flat in a break of sunshine.
Arrived at the walk point with rain clouds, and horizontal cold rain.
And waited in the car, long enough to unsteam the windows, and at least wait for the rain to stop.
And it did.
For a tiny moment.
It was muddy. Wet. Cold and windy.
But I was walking.
Wrapped up warm, with camera and binoculars, with scarf, gloves and hat.
And thermal socks on with the heavy duty boots.
I was out. Walking.
Brave in the cold.
Madness maybe. But out.
And this is a blog about a walk.
Just an ordinary walk.
Did I mention, cold, wet and muddy?
A very ordinary grey, wet, cold, walk.
But a walk none the less.
Ordinary.
Ordinary courage and bravery.
Ordinary steps taken, one by one.
At a place ive been to many times.
Its not a mountain top experience to deal with trauma, or deal with the monsters. Just ask Harry Potter, no one wants that badge of honour.
Sometimes the path is wet, cold and muddy and you need to be protected from the elements.
One foot in front of the other, even in the wet muddy path.
Even when I’m writing, there could be a temptation to show off the best bits, or most important, to biggest challenge in my personal healing. But recovery is about the ordinary.
Its about the every day.
Its not always about the new place, the new discovery.
Though there are discoveries, and there are significant moments. And at the moment im loving John O Donohues Eternal Echoes. Its a warm hot chocolate for my soul.
But sometimes there’s just something significant in going for a walk. Its about expectations, or not having any. Its about making a positive choice to do something, even if the path feels wet and muddy, but its being done. A positive choice doesn’t mean the sun is going to immediately shine, there’s a lot of mud, fog and cloud to wade through. But at least im walking. Started putting one feet in front of the other. the gritty ordinary of healing from abuse, is not pretty.
There are beautiful moments of sunshine though.
When the gaps open up.
But often these are surprises. Moments when the universe makes its voice known. And when I’m ready to see them.
Like on that walk.
The sun did come out, and I noticed two deer resting in the sunshine.
When the Roe deer sat down and rested in the glimpse of the evening sunshine, sat as she was on the wet grass, it was a perfect still wonderful moment. I watched, breathed, and used my camera (quietly) and enjoyed it, present in the moment.
A universe gift.
Sometimes the paths are made by those who walk. Sometimes the universe conspires to help the dreamer. Sometimes its just about putting one foot forward, in front of the other, even despite better judgement, but doing so from brokenness, from vulnerability, into a cloud of fog, with the gritty hope that there is another side beyond it.
Ill tell you something else.
I was beginning to sense boredom. Boredom being one slight step to the left from contentment. Contentment is a lovely feeling, its as if everything is early spring. What boredom felt like was the peace of contentment, but without the colour of the daffodils.
I guess when 40 years of my life have existed with a background noise of toxic drama, then the years since of processing and recovering from this… peace can feel like boredom when there’s no drama going on.
But something I realised, is that I have needed coping activities in the last 4-5 years. Maybe I dont need these as much, and maybe I’ts time to have more fun and creativity, to have more energy to give, because im in a different place. As I walked yesterday, I realised that I could be grateful for the feeling of boredom, and that this is an indication of where I am, who I am and the journey I have been on. Maybe instead of feeling frustrated by the grey cloudy days, its time to walk through them.
Sometimes the grey makes for interesting photos.. but this isn’t one of them.
Its an ordinary path, just outside darlington with the sunset reflecting on the grey wet tarmac.
It was just a walk.
But it was so much more.
It was time to see. Time to make choices. Time to receive.
Time to sense and feel. Time to be grateful. Time to notice.
Time for me.
James Ballantyne 