Im learning courage
Not the courage to climb, to fight or to be successful
Not the courage to be disliked, or happy
But the courage to listen to the frightened parts of me
The courage to love those parts
The parts of me I hid away
The part of me that hid away those parts
The parts I hid away, in a safe place
The parts of shame and guilt
The hidden needs and wants
The dreams and ambitions
The pains and the joys
I chose to hide them away
Safe, from my abusers
Feelings I hid- not acceptable, not appropriate
Mask truth, lie to adapt, lie to survive
The part of me that hid things
To control, to keep safe.
But now it is safe, for me to love
Love opens the door to let light into the hidden places
Love is gentle
Love is kind
To myself
Feelings, emotions, stories, actions, coping strategies all like lost children hiding in a cupboard, hide and seek, with no seek
Gradually waiting, to be held, loved, to be seen.
This has been the courage I’m learning over the last month, especially, the courage to love and hold my abandoned childhood, to listen, slowly.
One abandoned, hidden, neglected child at a time.
James Ballantyne 