Understanding our emotionally immature upbringing and our internal selves (Part 2)

In my last piece I shared a little about how, based on Lindsay Gibsons book, ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’ , I coped with this by becoming an internaliser as opposed to reacting to it as an externaliser would.

In this second part I though I would summarise some of the behaviours that are characteristic of emotionally immature parents, and people, and, dare I say it, organisations and churches too, who are full of emotionally immature externalisers. In my next part ill look at strategies that Gibson recommends to dealing with Emotionally immature parenting. But first, here’s a snapshot of some of the common actions and behaviours that befit emotional immature parenting, if these things are common, then I would recommend both of Lindsey Gibsons books on this, and also a conversation with a therapist.

This is a tough read, and so I include a trigger warning.

These are what it feels like to have an emotionally immature parent (or more than one) Ive expanded a few of these.

1. You feel lonely around them
2. Interactions feel one sided and frustrating
3. You feel coerced and trapped
4. They come first, and you are secondary (at best)
5. They won’t be emotionally intimate or vulnerable with you (unless to get you on their side- the trick of the psychopath)
6. They communicate through emotional contagionthis is where you are expected to guess their needs, and guess accurately otherwise its like to result in phrases like ‘if you loved me you’d know what I need; – they expect you to be constantly attuned to them
7. They dont respect your boundaries or individuality
8. You do the emotional work in the relationshipYou’re the one who has to reconnect and reconcile, they often make things worse by projecting blame, accusing others and disowning responsibility, they will more that likely be adamant that it was what you did or didn’t do that cause the problem; ‘if only you had known better and done what they asked’
9. You lose your Emotional autonomy and mental freedom – because EI parents see you as an extension of themselves, they disregard your thoughts and feeling, instead they claim the sole right to judge . They respond with shock if your feelings dont match theirs (given that you are ‘just’ an extension of them) Your feelings are either good or bad.
10. They can be killjoys and even sadistic – this to other people and their children, they barely take pleasure in other peoples happiness, often taking shine off their childrens pride (so I hid my accomplishments) They often famous for deflating their childrens dreams (if they express them). Sadism goes beyond this and is where they take pleasure in inflicting pain, humiliation and restraint on a living being, they can enjoy making their child feel desperate.

As a reaction to the above, the child of an or more than one (I have 2) emotionally immature parents is affected in the following ways:

You feel responsible for their feelings

you feel exhausted and apprehensive

You feel you can’t say no

You feel defeated when you try and solve their problems

You feel accused of letting them down

You have overly intense emotional reactions to them – they transfer their feelings to you

According to Gibson, Emotionally Immature Parents reveal themselves in the following ways, in how they approach life

1. They are fundamentally fearful and insecure
   because they act like they were never truly loved, they are terrified of losing status or ceasing to matter
2. They need to dominate and control – the dominant parent try to control others, the passive emotionally immature parent go along with whatever the dominant one desires. They dominate by taking over your emotions, treating you in ways which induce fear, shame, guilt and self doubt, and from this point you are the problem, not them. They feel better once you’re the bad one, but only temporarily because nothing makes them feel secure for long. 
3. They define themselves and others by roles. Roles are central to an emotionally immature parents security and self identity. They certainly expect others to to stay in clear cut roles. They categorise people into dominant or submissive, equal relationships make them uneasy. They take liberties with boundaries so they keep you in a position they feel comfortable with. 
4. They are ego-centric, not self reflective. They put their own needs and desires first and are entitled to what they want and rarely look at themselves objectively, they seldom question their own motives and reactions. They would rarely wonder if they were causing any of their own hardships. Personal growth is not a concept they relate to, and are usually derisive of it (‘I’m not the one that needs counselling’) growth is unpredictable because they often do not respond well with change as it gives insecurity. they can leave people stunned by their inappropriate comments, and if confronted they say ‘I was only saying what I thought’ as if speaking out loud were normal behaviour. 
5. They blame others and excuse themselves
6. They are impulsive and don’t tolerate stress and are usually impatient of others, being often very unable to soothe themselves, requiring others to do this for them, and want problems to go away as quickly as possible, their attempts to avoid stress, make things even more stressful. 
7. They use coping mechanisms that resist reality – they distort, deny or dismiss facts they dont like  – whether its the virus, climate change or something relating to a challenge of their fixed reality system. At the lowest level a person may lose touch with reality and turn psychotic. 
8. Reality is determined by emotions – ie by how it feels to them and they do this to the extreme. They way it feels is the way it is. Everything and everybody should be what she thought they should be.
9. They deny and dismiss the reality of other peoples feelings
10. Their intense feelings oversimplify reality –they have intense all or nothing emotions , oversimplifying people and situations into categories of all good or all bad, they hold back feeling complicated emotions, so there is little balancing or tempering them. Emotional maturity requires a balancing, tempering and the acceptance of a simultaneous mixture of emotions
11. They disregard reality time sequence . Emotionally immature parents (and others) live in the immediate emotional moment and can be oblivious to the chain of causation over time. For instance they may be blisteringly oblivious to how their recent behaviour has made them unwelcome, they cant see why things shouldn’t go back to normal when they are ready to interact again. They are famous for saying ‘that was then, this is now’. The future isn’t a real consideration, so they feel free to burn bridges, deceive and lie. In fact lying is a reasonable solution, they often dont realise that their lies will catch up with them, and dont care that lies promote suspicion. Oh and because of this its maddening to get someone who is emotionally immature to take responsibility for their actions. because to them after the event is ‘over, and you need to move on…like I have’ 
12. Their thoughts about life are simplistic , literal and rigid. they might sound like they are being catchy and decisive, but if you examine the words closely, they are often trite that isnt anything new, which is different from a mature wise person who leaves you pondering the thoughts for a long time. (Boris speeches won’t last long in the memory, neither will Trump) Emotionally immature people get more single minded the greater the stress. 
13. They become obsessive. They only see the good guys and the bad guys, and dwell obsessively on someone who has wronged or betrayed them
14. They use superficial logic to shut down feelings. Emotionally immature people demand that you soothe their emotional needs, but often trivialise yours often using trivial logic.

And finally, I want to share some of the tactics that Emotionally immature people, and parents use in their coercion and takeover tactics. The trick is to see it and not be overtaken by it, though as children this is virtually impossible. The common tactics they use are:

1. Self doubt undermines your authority and self worth – EI people withdraw emotional connection when you express thoughts or feelings they dont like. ‘the quiet treatment’  
2. Fear makes you easier to control – Emotionally immature people are geniuses at instilling fear and making you feel unsafe. All the time. Once you feel afraid you are more likely to do what they say and put them first. 
3. You inhibit yourself – not only their feelings but you start to be afraid of your own feelings
4. You often feel guilty – Guilt should be a brief corrective signal, n to a chronic condition, not to hate yourself. Emotionally immature parents, people and religions exploit the coercive potential of guilt. EI parents make their children feel guilt over not sacrificing enough, or survivor guilt when whoever they have a happier life than their parents. 
5. Feelings of shame make you easy to dominate. Thats why EI parents remember all your embaraasng negative stories. Shame comes about when EI parents/peopls use phrases like ‘are you crazy?’, how dare you, you shouldn’t feel that way – children conclude from these reactions that there is something wrong with them.
6. Shame for having needs, this is annihilating and confusing. Often we can equate the emotionally devoid childhood we had as our own fault, rather than the fear of shame which controls us to not realise we were treated badly. Emotional parents and people have so much buried shame themselves they cant help their children understand it.

Theres so much more in these chapters in her second book, which I highly recommend. As I read it it raises so many questions of not only my parents and my own parenting, but also how the same people act in their workplaces, communities and also the signs of all of this behaviour on the world stage, in politics, churches and organisations.

In my part 3 ill be sharing more from Lindsays second book, on what is required to resist all the emotional take overs and tactics.

As you get to the end of this piece, I want to tell you that if can see these things in your parents, then none of it has been your fault, and that your time to be you, free is about to happen. The road is so hard, but for you, it is worth it. Because you are valuable. Now is your time. It is most definitely mine.

Instead of just linking to an authors books, here is an excerpt from Lindsays blog, and where you can purchase her books, do follow and benefit from her considerable expertise on this most challenging of subjects:

With the recent publication of my latest book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, I have answered a question that has intrigued me for years: why do so many psychotherapy clients seem so much more together and self-aware than their family members? In other words, why are the least problematic people the ones seeking treatment? Realizing that many of my clients’ family members were highly emotionally immature, I set out to explore and explain their destructive interactions in a way that could free people to live their own best lives without being worn out by these draining personalities. By understanding our loved ones’ emotional immaturity, we can regain our trust in ourselves and get free from the destructive and confusing effects of early programming from childhood. 

I have quoted extensively from Lindsay Graham, please do purchase her books, as I have done and reflect further on emotional immaturity and how it has affected your life.

Lindsay has also appeared on a number of podcasts, and took part in this interview