Its such a trivial thing, I said to my therapist (almost as I put on my jacket to leave at the end of the first session)
But I’ve realised how much I like to feel appreciated
Me, early 2019
‘Its not trivial at all though is it‘, he said to me.
When you’re appreciated, you know where you stand with people
My therapist
When you’re appreciated you know where you stand with people.
I was used to trying to find appreciation
Trying to please
Then told I was trying too hard
Not knowing where I stood, so in a relationship always continuing to try to do the next thing.
A slave to uncertainty.
A slave.
Emotionally immature people dont give their certainty away often.
So, it means that there’s unsaid expectations to keep trying, to keep trying to revolve around them, to try and meet an unexpected thing that doesn’t ever seem possible.
Because it isnt possible
Because that’s what they want you to do.
To exhaust yourself.
Appreciation from the emotionally immature, the sociopath or psychopath is often a manipulation to get you to do the thing they want you to do, or give you a rope to hang yourself on.
Its never ; ‘You’ve all done really well fighting the virus, despite the corruption, narcissism and sociopathic entitlement of us, the Tory Government’ – but a continual blame of others.
What I didnt realise was how important this was, being appreciated. What I didnt realise, until I was in a safe place and my friend thanked me for cooking a meal.
I couldn’t take the appreciation. I shrugged it off. I wasn’t used to it.
I hadn’t ever had it.
A project was messy throughout its duration, but dont expect a medal for finishing it
‘Oh, do you want brownie points, just for cleaning the bathroom’?
What I didn’t realise was how important something was, that I didn’t think was that important.
Because, well, I got by without it. It was the way I had expected.
Nothing right, nothing perfect, nothing good enough,
I had given it to others, praised the young person for what they did, tried to appreciate staff in workplaces, but I know now how hard that was for me. It was easier to be critical and reflective, the hardest thing was to appreciate the work others did. Deep down it was coming from an empty place.
Yet I thought it was a trivial thing.
That I gave away to my therapist a few years ago.
Its not trivial.
The thing that you are trying to hide from, run from, or the thing that made you feel good for that moment.
When the tears fall.
And you, important human being, start to realise – from the simplest ‘Thank you’ , from the simplest ‘Thanks for cooking this’ that something inside felt, cracked, and was safe to reveal itself as tears.
This meant that I could stop. I didnt need to add more, cook more, try harder next time, make a three course meal…
It meant I could stop and enjoy it.
I could stop, certain.
So
Notice.
A therapist helped validate, legitimate this.
Notice what happens when you are treated well.
how do you respond?
From day 1, a few friends and then a therapist were the spaces I needed to feel safe, safe to feel, safe to reveal myself.
Realising how important it is to be appreciated.
Realising how uncertain, how abusive relationships are when this is absent.
Realising this in structures, workplaces and ministries too.
That was one of the first things I learned, felt in my healing and recover journey. It started from day 1 in a safe place, and continued as I reflected in Therapy a few months later. Join me in future articles as I share some of my healing and recover journey, the concepts that were key for me, the learning and reflecting I did. Some of these I shared in real time on my other blog, 2 years ago. (Please do follow and like to keep up to date with this series)
‘Being appreciated’ that was one of the first things I had to feel, to embrace, to hear, in the process of rebuilding.
It’s important. And
So are you.
James Ballantyne 
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