The struggle to ‘do’ my own healing work

One of the hardest things for me about rebuilding after trauma is to do it.

Its not a linear thing, but I find it fascinating that what I needed in the midst of dealing the traumatic situations was a calm cool head, the oft said ‘breathe’ and as Van Der Kolk writes about, to use breathing to begin to bring the intellect into play, when in an emotionally traumatic experience.

If part of the rebuild after emotional trauma is to be in a safe place, a calm one, then its fascinating that the rebuild requires a active shift.

Research suggests that creative practices (Cappachione, 1988) and physical practices (Van Der Kolk 2014) are keys to the re-make post trauma.

So its a doing thing.

I have to participate in my own trauma rebuilding.

Id rather learn the theory.

Im used to creating spaces to help others do this

Im used to watching from the sidelines

I watch, while others dance.

Watching, rather than being active, Hobbies that have included transporting, birdwatching, all stemming from a need to be observant of others.

Yet I still find ‘doing’ recovery from trauma practices difficult, because it involves parts of me that have been inhibited, restricted, shamed into non being.

‘We dont do that sort of thing’ (Dance),

‘Thats a bit weird and of the devil’ (Yoga),

‘Dont make a mess , we dont want to clutter up the kitchen with these drawings’ (Art and Creativity), dont be silly, dont be messy.

Its like to trying to de-concentrate and just do.

Id rather write a blog about why I find doing trauma remaking practices difficult than pick up a wax crayon. But its so that I didnt have to write this line, that the last week I have been picking up the wax crayons.

Thats the thing though, I have to let my head stop. Yet its what I needed to survive.

I need to just do. Let my body do.

I may have read about theory of trauma, but unless its a tick box exercise, Id avoid the exercises in even the list of resources in the menu above.

It was only in front of my therapist that I drew a picture.

Draw something on a sheet of paper. No – I cant draw

Go on – No – why, its pointless

Do it….No its silly

Its like learning to swear and get it out. Let feelings loose

Use crayons and scribble, let it happen…

Theres so many reasons why I find participating in my own healing difficult.

So many excuses not to, because theres other peoples to think of

But also, so used to being the observer to other peoples existence, the soother of others pain, concentrating to stay safe, being told not to feel, easily distracted by the safety of helping others, and having my brain engaged in debates, or the empathy and response patterns of social media.

It means me being selfish with my time. Investing in myself as I reparent myself.

My remaking after trauma and through it involved my participation.

Just doing it. Like there Nike Advert.

Im glad my therapist recommended this book: ‘Recovery of your inner child’ by Lucio Cappachione to me. Because, although it contains some writing, it also has many exercises to actually do. Things I had to do. Myself.

Things I had to do and feel. Do and respond to.

Im not sure its possible to theorise my way out of trauma. Or to watch others. Or just to talk about it.

Remaking after trauma is a participation thing, that I have to do.

What about you? Are you in that mindset struggle to ‘do’ the practices of self care/healing? Do you have strategies, things you tell yourself? Do share below: