Recovery of my forgotten Inner Child

Over the past 8 months, through Trauma Therapy, I’ve been getting in touch with my inner child.

The remarkable thing was, I didnt even know I had one.

A child.

A child part of me

What I began to realise was…I had spent my whole life parenting other peoples inner child..

But not my own

So what did I say?

How did a relationship start with a person, that I had never met?

A person that, told me that I had left him behind

A person that disappeared when I felt I had to grow up

A part of me that hid

That was scared at time to come out

A part of me that was terrified of the anger, the abuse and shock of those who had tormented me

A part of me that needed to know it was safe to appear

I had to youth work myself.

Safe

Slow

Easy conversation

Allowing my inner child to speak

To say the words that hadn’t been said in 40 odd years

Letting it out

Hello, little James

Would you like to say anything?

What would you like to do to today?

What even is your name?

baby steps as my vulnerable child begins a dialogue

I am just beginning to listen, and keep listening

Sometimes he swears at me. Sometimes he’s angry with me

Sometimes hes quiet

I am finding out what he likes, what he wants and what he needs.

More that often I listen, try to hear, what my inner child is trying to say.

Finding out who he feels safe with

I am just discovering my inner child

Re-covering my inner child

Letting him out to play

And in case you hadn’t noticed, be creative

in his own time.

Sometimes he writes, scribbles, draws, colours, just to get feelings out

Sometimes I can hear him tell me off ive been too busy or distracted to talk, to listen

Yes. He knows, as..deep down I also do too.

What has it been like?

Painful, raw and exhausting at times, but all of what my inner child has been holding onto for 30 odd years is having to come out, when its time, safe, and when he can trust me, to be protective, nurturing and safe.

The things that were absent from my own childhood.

And ive encountered the parts of me that I had inhabited, the critical parent, my wounded self, the voices in my head that say ‘stop being silly’ and try and let that inner child rest, play and pick up the crayon and make a silly mess. Because its not silly.

And Critical me has had a lifelong field day. Ask anyone who’s been on the wrong end of my questions.

As Lucia Cappachione writes, the fascinating thing is that the more we encounter , nurture, protect and parent our inner child.. the less we jump to rescue others, and also the less we need others to rescue us. Im not going to share too much from my inner child here, for, that is something for later, and maybe in a new relationship I will protect him and keep him safe, away from needing to be shared.

But in re-parenting myself, ive discovering myself, and feel like a coherent person in a way that I have never done before. Im feeling my way into a real, whole person that until this year had felt disjointed, disconnected and I had lived out of a false self.

If anyone reading this would like to start this journey, and it is recommended with a Therapist who specialises in this, the resources I am using on this, to do the work, not just learn about the work, are from Lucia Cappachione, most notably, Recovery of your inner child, 1991