Talking with Respect, gentleness and care….to myself.

Men… Can you remember when your voice broke? What did that feel like? How old were you? I remember that I didnt want to talk for a few weeks or months because I was so self conscious about how it would sound, I also hated that it was noticed by everyone, so I stayed quiet. There was a change, a weird change. How I communicated changed three times, from child voice, to breaking unpredictable changing voice, to changed voice, in a few months.

I noticed something about my walk last week.

It is this.

My Voice changed again recently. But it wasn’t my external voice.

It was my inner one.

I used to give myself a good talking to.

Especially if I had done something wrong. Especially if I had made a mistake.

Especially if id got embarrassed by something

Especially if id been made to think id made a mistake, or misunderstood, or not met another persons needs, and been punished for it.

I would beat myself up.

In the way I would talk to myself.

The strongest voice inside, was the voice of the perfectionist-critic.

My inner voice was the voice of my own media company.

Critic, Perfectionist…

Not only was I emotionally neglected and beaten up by others, my inner voice assumed that I was responsibility. Why… because I had no reference to know that what I experienced by others was their problem. Or that I could be treated better.

So it had to be me. I had to be the problem. My Fault. Because Women are always right..arent they? So it had to be me.

What kind of things would I have heard myself say to myself?

You’re not good enough

You dont deserve any better

You can survive, just keep going

Why didn’t you think of that?

You can do better

You should do better

You let yourself down there, James, and God too, you should be ashamed

You should know this by now

You should be able to do this

Oh.. you really messed up again

Look at yourself James, hypocrite.

You failed at that one again

You upset them, you silly boy.

You need to be strong.

Must rush, must do, must keep on, keeping on.

It could be worse, don’t be ungrateful.

Talking to myself, like I was my own worst enemy. Or just trying to numb and shut out what I felt.

Beating myself up. Because that was the only way I knew how to process. Not being good enough, not being perfect enough, not being enough.

Why did I notice this last week?

Because the day after I had been for a walk, I reflected on how my inner voice has changed. Maybe its like it broke again. Broke by the process of digging deep, recovering and healing.

I noticed that I could say to myself different things

When I walked, I said things like:

I can take myself out for a walk

This is for me, I can be for me.

I am grateful

I am ok to feel

I am ok- as I am.

I am love and loved

I can be, and breathe

I can enjoy this moment, of the rain and mud

I can sense myself

and be proud of myself.

I can have feelings and there’s nothing wrong with having them.

I dont have to be perfect, I can do mess, I can play

I can be slow.. I dont have to rush… I dont have to do everything

I can have fun

I can be happy

I am.

I am who I am and this is enough

and more besides….

I just noticed how the voice changed, it wasn’t the first time in the last few years that I have spoken to myself in this way. But it was just that I noticed the difference, how I used to be a critic and perfectionist, talking to myself like I had inherited voices from others. From self loathing, self denial – to self- reverence and self compassion. Was my inner guidance system the one I had created from the places of having to adapt as a child – abusive parents, evangelical religion, academia? Probably.

Or maybe, and i’ll be kind to myself also, this was what I needed to do and be to survive emotionally. In my own head space, the place of thinking, over thinking and self criticism.

It’s now safe for me to talk to myself in this way. Brave to be self- compassionate. To practice it and give it a go, to see how it feels, to have the feels.

New green life forming from the old. New tender green shoots.

What’s it like to be a supportive youth worker, be a friend even to myself, and do this, after agreeing with it. Doing it for myself. Because I am worth it. I am of value. I am.

It was just good to notice the difference.

Talking whole heartedly to myself. From broken to whole.

If you’d like to learn more about Self Compassion, I highly recommend the beautiful book Heartwork by Radhule Weininger, a link is here Heartwork, also The Power of Now by Echart Tolle.