Healing my (non) Anger.

Anger is a Sin

Dont you dare get Angry

Good people dont get Angry

We Shouldn’t feel Angry when we do

A good boy doesn’t get angry.

Anger will turn someone away

Anger will mean someone else has to take responsibility for my feelings

Anger is to be avoided

I didnt want to be angry like they are.. when they got upset.

I internalised all of these, and I think other myths about Anger.

Time to stop believing the myths about Anger.

Yet I knew about anger…in theory… because like a ‘good’ youth worker I delivered ‘Anger Management’ classes..about 15 years ago.

I could soothe and listen, but had absolutely no experience of processing my own anger. With the exception of bottling it, and it being released in cynicism, and holding it all in.

I couldn’t be angry and expect others to have to deal with this. I had to be the one who dealt, responded even, to other peoples anger.

I didnt know what ‘being angry’ to the point of letting these feelings out.

Thats why discovering saying the ‘F’ word began a process of helping me to release the metaphorical cork on the bottle.

I Mis-managed my own anger. Conditioned since childhood.

Anger gives me power. Anger enables me to take action. Anger now helps me realise that I have something to protect. Anger creates boundaries.

But its new, and still new for me, and im learning to be healthily angry.

I used to say ‘I dont get angry’ but what this meant that I suppressed everything.

Much Anger comes from Unmet needs

Melody Beattie (Codependent no more)

I was scared of my own anger, because I didnt know what it would be like.

Yet, without anger, and rage, there might not be the point beyond it to know what the actual source was and is, and experience the peace beyond. The thing we’re frightened of is often the thing that controls us.

Silent rage is destructive. If you’re not actively, consciously releasing anger, your holding on to it. And this is not doing you any good

Edith Eger . (The Gift)

So.. what did I do when I got angry this week. We’ll firstly I noticed that my despair at a situation only lasted for about 1-2 hours – in the past this may have lasted longer, I may have sunk, frightened.

But instead I realised that I could be angry about it.

I swore, a lot.

I threw a few cushions.

I drew with large crayons on paper, let the scrawl take what ever shape and told myself that it didnt matter it just needed to ‘come out’

And then I wrote, words, phrases, to the situation, to myself who had to deal with the situation. About my needs.

I talk more about my relationship with Anger here in my latest video

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I think I used to try and bypass my anger to try and find a place of calm, yet that calm was often like the proverbial shaken champagne bottle, calm, but raging.

Im learning to be better at this. Im learning to have a better relationship with my emotions, and sometimes get opportunities to practice…..

It took me a long while, and it required small practice steps, of even just re-learning to swear.

Time to bury the myths about anger.

Time to deal with it, ourselves.

Time to let it out and not feel judgement about it.

Notice, let it out, and listen to it.

Anger is a defence. Burning through it and the fear and grief is revealed underneath. Then its time to forgive ourselves. (Edith Eger)

By not releasing it were denying that we werent victimised or abused or that we’re human. Making ourselves numb. Pretending to be Ok.

What’s your relationship with Anger? What do you do to release it, and then process the core needs underneath it?

Its time to un manage it, time to express it

Time to make it a healthy part of us.

Time to be human and feel it