I will be ok.
Thats the lie. Right there.
Actually not quite.
Because thinking about it, ‘I will be ok’ was always true, as im still here now, and ‘I will be ok’ was what I used to say to myself a lot, when going through the bewilderment of emotional abuse and manipulation in childhood and in a long term marriage. When things got tough, or weird or both, and much was just what I had been used to since birth; ‘I will be ok’ would be what I said to myself.
And because im here writing this, I guess that isnt the liee then. That was grit and determination rearing its strengthening head.
The lie was this.
‘I will be ok….if’
‘If’ that tiny little word.
‘If’ could also appear at the end of the phrase
‘They might like me .. IF’
or
‘They might be proud of me … ‘IF’
or
‘Things might be ok…’if’’
But lets get back to the first one
‘I will be ok….if’
Conditional Okay-ness.
Because thats what it is. Ultimately. It’s about having a self belief that is only satisfied when certain conditions happen. Conditional self- worth, self -respect, self-regard.
‘I will be ok….. if im a little bit fitter’
‘I will be happy … if I write a piece that goes viral’
‘I will be happy…. on a sunny day’
‘I will be ok… if ‘they’ treat me ok’
‘I will be ok….. if _______ happens’
‘I will be ok… if get to put in my meditation, breathing, bath, journal, cook nice food, give myself some me time, breathe again, watch the roses grow and do yoga..twice… then ill be ok’
‘I will be ok……if’
Because it’s a lie.
In his book ‘Living untethered’ (and also The Untethered Soul) Micheal Singer writes about how much of our lives are spend trying to avoid, navigate, deny or skirt around pain and challenges in our lives, so much that they dominate. So much so that we create a type of living in which the pain, the abuse, the darkness holds us in captive, and so we instead (I instead) would tell myself these little lies, the lies of conditional okayness.
Because I wasnt ok, I hoped and tried to will myself to be, but without facing the real pain, the real issues inside. I was temporarily ok….if my football team won, if I managed to get a good grade in an essay, if I could ride my bike…if , if, if, if…
I needed something to happen for me to have temporary ok-ness.
I needed something to cause me to feel a tiny bit ok.
I was requiring something other, to soothe… something inner.
I was needing ‘the world’ to fix/solve/soothe what was on the inside… without facing or dealing with the real issue. It was avoidant, I was avoidant, and yet ‘I will be ok..if’ is all around and so it was easy to go along with it… even if I was dying on the inside.
Because. If was depending on something to make me feel ok. Then I wasnt ok.
I was just in a cycle of it.
Being ok, needn’t be conditional.
It took me a very long while, at least 5 years of facing the stuff, journaling, listening to my emotions, giving myself time, safety, therapy, using the tools and having better self care routines, that helped me be in a better place. A place where I could trust myself a bit, a place where I was more aware of my sensitive nature, and awareness of the damage that had been done to me. (for more of this read my story here) . Yet, I was still trying to believe that I was ok. Yes I could relax, yes I was safe, but so much deep down, inside I was , and especially when I hit some low points, I would collapse and breakdown, which I did in 2023.
I knew I didnt believe in myself because the very thing that I needed, was the thing I criticised. Positive psychology. Thinking positively. Self affirmations.. yuk no no no. I can’t do that…it’s so Ammmerrican. It’s false, it’s ugh, no.
But I realised that my inner critic voice was still running the roost. Even with a lot of change. I still had ‘needs’ and ‘needed things’ to be ok.
I didn’t believe I was ok, not unconditionally ok. Self belief hung on a fragile string.
That little lie ‘ I will be ok…if……I change my job…if I write something…if I …..’
And whilst im at it, ill not dwell on this here, but I might well have been told that ‘God loved me’ – but since that was also the belief of my abusive parent, and also church was a place I needed to belong, to be important, to be busy, to be intelligent, to know (and not feel) – two theology degrees later and a 22 year career working in faith groups in the UK… Unconditional Gods love, was lost in a kernel of conditional institutional performance and responsibility. It wasnt Gods fault. But too much pain and damage surrounded this heart, and so unconditional love or even unconditional ‘ok-ness’ was off the table.
So, it was easy to believe the lie.
I wasnt ok, and I was stuck in a cycle of believing that I would be one day ok…if…
What I had to do was face the reality of myself, and my hurts, pains, defence mechanisms, sand strategies…and dig right deep, into the places of self loathing, self mistrust, self destruction… and find myself stronger, more loving, and more compassionate than all of them.
To start to rebuild a self that had been broken and tormented since birth.
To realise that ‘ I will be ok.. If’
Was actually a lie.
Because the truth is something else.
The truth is not that I am ok.
The truth is that I just am.
Regardless of what happens. I still am.
Regardless of what I do… I am
And in me there is love, and joy, and calm, and truth…
The funny thing is, in the last year or so I notice myself saying things like ‘I need ______’ or ‘if I buy _______ ill be ok’ – its almost as if its an unusual thing, to notice, to realise and then I check in with myself.
I dont need to believe that I am conditionally ok.
And neither do you.
But it’s a lie we’ve been often told to believe.
Because it keeps us trapped.
James Ballantyne 