Avoiding emotions is like driving with brake stuck on.

Now I’ve done therapy, I can deal with everything, all the emotions!

So when they arrive I know exactly what to do

Disappointment, Anger, grief, self depreciation, annoyance, frustration, tick them all off, I just sit, breathe, and let wash through me like a shower of life’s joys and gratitudes.

Do I fuck.

Actually, I’ll make myself busy, I’ll keep moving, tidy, wash, clean, check social media, walk a bit, check social media again, alot, get a drink, check social media again, tidy, eat, maybe go for a longer walk, Facebook distraction, water the plants, watch something else, say I’ll switch off the screen, then open it a minute later, write a cute healing phrase on twitter, when I’m talking to myself and honestly..trying not to do it myself..

And that’s not just the things I have to do, essential tasks…like work or family stuff..

That’s what I’ll actually do

Until I realise

That I’ve been ignoring, hiding, avoiding

Life is one big distraction of avoiding us being our real selves. The emotion police.

But after I did therapy I thought I would be emotionally competent, feeler, healed and deal with it

Turns out, I just know what I could do, but still have to make the right choices for myself to actually do them.

40 odd years of abuse survival avoidance habits die hard. Though they were needed, and to be thanked.

The last thing I want to do is deal with myself, yet the rewards for doing so are so much that I wonder why I put it off.

It’s like driving a car with a fixed on brake, the brakes can come off and it drives better without, but it’s easier to keep going brakes on and not bother stopping to get it unstuck.

Maybe this is a good metaphor to explore more, a brake being stuck on, might not show up as a warning light on the dashboard, but its a nagging feeling that something isnt intuitively right. You may be able to drive without fixing it, or put the stereo on to not sense it, but its still there. Intuitively , gut, something is provoking to be dealt with.

It’s only when I stop, do I start again. Every moment of silence to listen to my own heart is a space of healing.

I know what I need to do, it just takes a while to do it sometimes.

What are you avoiding? What am I?