Trigger Warning: Emotional Abuse, Spiritual Abuse, CPTSD, Narcissm, Child abuse. This piece contains material that may cause a reaction.
Following Tanya Marlows quite brilliant piece on the statements that Christians have used in the wake of the RZMI revelations, in it she identifies a number of phrases that then get banded around, often excusing, minimising or disconnecting a persons character from their ministry, mostly after the revelations have been made public. That piece is here
But his books are still good, right? – 5 things Christians must stop saying about sexual abusers
I want to add a few more, to that list
Though, her list includes:
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His books are still good
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‘we are all human’ everyone makes mistakes
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Blaming pedestals.
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God can use anyone – this is a great example..
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The Biblical excuse – equating Kind David as a mirroring example. (Tanya Marlow)
Do read in full.
I want to build on this, by suggesting that there will have been a few things said BEFORE the case was made public, that signify that there were signs that there was emotionally immature practices from along time ago.
Before you think that these do not happen in the UK (and RZMI has been in the UK) , and RZMI is a one-off, then I’m afraid you are mistaken. Emotional immaturity covers a range of personality issues, such as narcissism, sociopathy and psychopathy.
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The Loyalty Card.
This gets played when someone disagrees with them. Rather than converse or dialogue with the person in a healthy conversation, they often dismiss this, using phrases like “I dont agree with them, and we as an organisation shouldn’t entertain it’ or ‘ You’ll bring shame to the family if you carry on saying things like that’ or ‘we cant have those kind of opinions in our church’ – loyalty is the card, played because they dont want to argue, but more that they seek adherence and conformity. Emotionally immature people throw this. They are often only interested in their opinion, not listening to someone elses. This one is very very common. Loyalty is regarded very very high in emotionally immature people. Closely linked to this is the shame that they throw towards you, and you then get to feel guilt for saying such a thing. Loyalty is often accused by those who actually show no evidence of being it themselves. It’s projecting, or gaslighting too.
2. Invalidate Feelings.
‘They’re just emotional, They’re just sensitive’ This gets played to dismiss that someone might even have emotions when they have been wronged, and make a complaint. Somehow its as if emotionless responses are the higher ideal. Maybe, its that culturally in churches we place a very low regard for any emotions. So, when people display them, they are often dismissed, devalued and ignored. Can also include ‘ they’re always angry’. The emotionally unhealthy can look people in the eye and still lie. Emotionless is somehow then believed and that culture then created by them.
3. The Jezebel.
You know its about to happen. The attack. The use of the J word. Its on its way. ‘They’re just a Jezebel’ Once the emotions have been highlighted, now the complainant is given the highest calling of all, the name above all, the most magnificent insult known to nearly all women who dare to a)disobey, b)show disloyalty, or c) expose an abuser and the ministry they hold.
They are the Jezebel.
The sounding attack of the emotionally immature christian leader. (or twitter troll- same thing)
Notice that men dont get the insults as easy. But Women await the Jezebel insult. Wear it with pride. It’s coming. ‘Jezebel’ is on its way.
4. The forgiveness card
Following a concerted, even pastoral attempt to soothe the situation, often by saying things like ‘ you’re just bitter, angry’ then forgiveness is requested by representatives of the abuser, said like ‘you just need to forgive them, dont hold it in your heart’ ‘God wouldn’t want you to see them in that way’ ‘let go and let God’
Forgiveness, as I have learned, is not something the abuser has the right to suggest, neither is it for the institution who houses them to offer it. Especially when those whose voices have expressed concern have not been taken seriously.
5. The ‘Giving away the bare minimum’ card.
That wasn’t a big deal, everyone does that. I didnt do anything. I didnt do that.
But they did do this.
One thing that you can be certain of is that an emotionally immature person admits to merely the tip of the iceberg.
So, they belittle the one thing, giving it away – oh I did just do that, but it was nothing
like ‘I dont abuse people, but I maybe have said the odd thing’ – its as if they are happy to give away something and admit one thing, the tip of the iceberg.
It is often just that. The tip of an iceberg they hope you never see.
What ever they admit to, what they actually did do was 5000 times worse.
6. Spiritual Bypassing or weaponising.
This could be similar to the forgiveness card ‘ everyone else needs to…’ – But its when they say things like ‘lets just pray about this’ or ‘Im sure God will help us at this time’ or ‘we just need to pray more’ or ‘We just need to make Jesus central to this’ – Especially in cases of emotional abuse, this is said when the person wants to avoid actually dealing with something to do with themselves, and holding up a spiritual bypass card to avoid wrestling with or having their real emotional trauma or state revealed.
And weaponising scripture. Ill not add it here. But throw a few bible verses out context to make people doubt their opinions and feelings, and you’re there.
7. The Role card
Usually in the form of ‘As a christian ‘I cant do that ‘thing’ or ‘Im a minister, theres no way I would do that’ or ‘Ive been doing this ministry for 20 years I wouldn’t do that’ or ‘As the child of a ________, that really isn’t me’
Often they’ll play on an identity or role to make it look as they couldn’t do something. In a way what this does is separate them into roles and identities. When accused, or when challenged, they slip into an identity within which they cannot see themselves as anything other than a Godly, Holy person. However, what they disassociate from is the behaviour and their own personhood that has committed it.
They also see you in a role. Often one of the 3 in the Drama triangle.
8. The ‘self loathing and victim mindset’ card.
No one else truly understands me, im just a worthless worm, im like Elijah under the tree, Im just one of those people Satan attacks, im tormented, theres days when I wish the whale would swallow me.
This is closely followed by using these examples to exegete that their life has been one long drama, and that everyone needs to feel sorry for them. Its a rubber guts humility. (They play victim in the triangle, using Biblical references as a guide)
They are actually bragging about the things that they are asking you to feel sorry for them. They brag about they are repenting for and proud of it.
9. The ‘just trying my best’ card
Im just trying. Everything I do seems to fail. Im just trying to be a good vicar/person/husband/leader/pastor. Again said to request that someone else needs to see them as the helpless trier who keeps trying, and wants a second chance.
also seen as ‘I have a good heart…ive just made a lot of mistakes in my past’
or can look like.
‘Im a good guy, trying my best, why are you the only person I cant get along with’
Problem is that they have had millions of second chances, and if you have offered second chances, chances are others have too. Chances are, they are unlikely to be good, honest, decent – though they keep saying they are trying to be. ‘You’ll just have to trust me, ive changed, this time its different’ – do question how this is the case, and them reading the bible or praying more, doesn’t count. Therapy, though, might.
I wish it wasn’t the case, but, unless the emotionally immature see themselves and do something about it, they will nearly always be unable to do the good they see others do. At times their only reaction is to be jealous of it. Until that point, they are only saying they are trying their best, and its just words.
10. Not taking any responsibility.
Never, not once. Its everyone else fault. Satans. Gods. The congregation. The previous church, ‘Its the world is full of darkness’ …The previous partner, and add more…
They use your compassion on them, to give them a second chance, it’s how they can hide.
If you start to hear any of these, the red flags need to be raised. Get vigilant, aware and begin talking to each other, They will play you all off. Their only hope to survive is to divide and rule.
Darvo is one of the key patterns to look out for, because the emotionally immature will seek to confuse their victims, complainants and the system itself by switching roles. The victim triangle is one to look out for too, as the emotionally immature will nearly always only operate in one of these three roles, Victim, Rescuer (often Codependant) or Perpetrator.
Thank you Tanya, for your piece yesterday, Thank you to all the women and men who have had to raise their voices and concerns in cases and not been believed. Emotionally immature, unhealthy churches and organisations are all around, they are full of emotionally unhealthy people. Often the emotionally healthy are the ones whose voices get belittled or sidelined. Strange that, when they often know what’s going on.
Please do leave a comment, like this piece and also if you have other examples to add, please share. Thank you
Many of the resources from which I gathered these from are in the menu link above.
James Ballantyne 