The two things that robbed me….of myself.

If yesterday I wrote about my own joinery from self loathing and denial to becoming more self referential, respectful and also giving space to trust my feelings. Today I’ve pondered the question – what happened to me, so that I had no ‘faith’ in myself? What happened to the extent to which there was no ‘I’ in my life, to trust myself, my feelings, emotions, desires or wants.

It boils down to this

Psychopathic Parents + Evangelical Faith = No Self Trust

In these ways:

Self Trust wasn’t possible when I was told not to be selfish

Self Trust wasn’t possible when I heard that my core was sinful

Self Trust wasn’t possible when I was told I wasn’t enough

Self Trust wasn’t possible when I was told that everything good I did…wasnt me..it was God

Self trust wasn’t possible because I was made to feel embarrassed or ashamed for having emotions, desires or wants

Self trust wasn’t possible when my emotions were stolen by others.

Self Trust wasn’t possible when I wasn’t encouraged for being good (or when I was accused of being the ‘eldest son’ )

Self Trust wasn’t possible when I was terrified of upsetting my abusers.

Self Trust wasn’t possible when I was encouraged to pray that God would fix things.

Self Trust wasn’t possible..if my ‘self’ had to be denied.

Self trust wasn’t possible if I numbed the pain and disconnected.

Self trust wasn’t possible, even being clever or good… wasn’t enough.

Self trust wasn’t possible… All to Jesus I surrender.

Self Trust wasn’t possible, if Jesus gave me all my good feelings.

Self Trust was invalidated if I tried to express myself

Self Trust wasn’t possible – when my body was bad (Spirit is good) – and in my body is my emotions, feelings, desires and energy.

Self trust wasn’t possible when I was masking abuse for 40 years.

Self trust wasn’t possible if I was told who I was…and I had to accept it, whilst dying inside.

Self Trust wasn’t possible when my real self was hidden away, unseen.

Just Pray – they said. Be good – they said. Be quiet. Dont make a mess. Fulfil our expectations for you – they said. Grow up and dont be silly..they said.

Be our trophy to be proud of – they said. But do this alone.

Dont ever be who you are. Dont ever think for yourself.

Live to soothe and placate and please your abuser.

Live to please and worship God…and deny yourself in the process.

How could I respect myself, if I didnt trust myself, how could I know myself if I was hiding myself away? How could I trust myself… if God was always watching…and I had to remember sins and feel only continual guilt and shame.

I was taken..from myself.

What am I in all this?

Where am I in this?

Who am I in this?

Today. This day. This month. These last few years.

Have been unapologetically about me.

Not just ‘finding myself’ – but…actually finding, connecting, listening, feeling and knowing myself. But its no fucking wonder I had hidden myself away… or that I had no sense of self in ‘my’ life. It was all about other people. Other people and ‘other’ Gods. Losing myself in the process. I can look back and see this. Realising the extent of what I wasn’t able to be.

Reminding myself, now, of my own deep strength. Acknowledging it and accepting it, and being utterly grateful for the now.

The spills of life going inwards, deep burning of molten lava piercing into the wounds. Feeling Raw, but feeling true, feeling at all. Being me. Healing from within. One layer at a time. One pebble to climb, then a rock, then more. Step by step.

Soul, heart, mind and body on a beautiful discovery. Wonder from the heart outwards. Time to live. Spiritual life… from the inside out.

Oh yes, its time to live. Time to be.