I want, doesn’t get

I had to get that spoiled child out of you

Its not ‘I want’ its ‘I would like’ or ‘Please may I have’

Said my parents on a regular basis, for most of my early childhood.

I was a spoiled toddler, thats what I was told.

A couple of my previous posts refer to how I hid or suppressed my anger as a child to survive with the parents I had.

Which I undoubtedly did.

But im beginning to realise that it was much more subtle that just suppressing anger, which was inevitable as there was no space to be emotional, to have needs, let alone wants, when it was about emotional eggshell navigation.

It wasnt just anger I hid away.

It was the bit of me that made demands of people, the bit of me that stomped, or screamed, the bit of me that made a mess, for others to clear up, the bit of me that hollered until it got what it wanted.

In short, it wasnt just that I suppressed anger.

I suppressed the ‘spoilt child’ / ‘inner brat’ part of me

The bit of me that says ‘I want’

The bit of me that says ‘I dont want’

The bit that shoves and pushes to get its own way.

Because ‘I want’ doesnt get – and ‘please may I have’ is far too much effort to stay, and Im not doing that. I want doesnt get.

Dont be demanding. Dont have demands

Dont ‘want’ – thats selfish

I have an ‘under realised inner brat.’

Maybe its about politeness, but not being able to want, (only able to ‘need’ that encouraged codependency around emotionally immature parent, and reinforced my codependent/false self)

Not having wants meant , not knowing what I wanted.

Not wanting what I wanted to do in my life

I want doesnt get – so why want for anything?

Why want for degree, career, choice- why want?

An inner spoiled child, or brat, that could make demands, ‘I dont want’/ ‘I do want’ might be able to make decisions, set boundaries, protect, raise an alarm.

An under realised ‘selfishness’ that doesnt know what it wants.

And struggled to even know what it needs.

An under realised ‘selfish brat’ shut down in ‘becoming responsible’ , codependent, caring self – clearing up the mess of others, and not demanding anything.

If we are unaware of our bratty impulses and choose to cover them up or block them off entirely, we run the risk of making ourselves sick

Capacchione, 1991

But Ive also noticed something, and thanks to Lucia Cappaciones book (Recovery of your Inner child, 1991) , there are many people who it might be said have the opposite.

Those with an over realised ‘selfish brat’ the adults who are still children. They have tantrums, denying responsibility – and who’s involvement in the world is where others revolve around their utter needs, all the time. Im thinking Boris, and Trump. Those whose over realised ‘selfish brat’ is the mess that everyone else has to clear up. They are those who scatter eggshells everywhere.

Part of surviving Psychopathic parenting, the growing up quickly process and becoming the little adult, meant of course ‘leaving childish ways’ behind me. Yet, in subconsciously growing up, becoming self dependent, meant suppressing the ‘I want’ part of me.

And if ‘I wanted’ id be made to feel guilty for doing so.

I want to have a quiet birthday – I said for my 18th – but no ‘they did what they wanted’ instead.

What might it mean to have a ‘healthier’ awareness , acknowledgment, and be able to act out the ‘inner brat’ im beginning to realise?

I think in the last few years I have began to want, and follow through with the wants especially to take care of myself, to purchase items, to make decisions, beginning, because alot of the time I still can feel being indecisive, or delaying, or wondering what others might think. Coming to terms with ‘wanting things’ for my own sake, because I am valuable (and so are you) , has been part of my healing Journey. But I was never going to survive in such a childhood and retain that part of me. In fact, as I said above, they enjoyed the process of removing it.

Saying I want, for my own good.

Supressing that part of me that stood up for myself – not just others

Made demands for something I might have wanted – that was ok to want

Was deeply unhealthy, and culminated in so many learned behaviours that I had to adopt to survive the first years of my life.

Survival meant suppressing it. Others needs and wants, always more important..