James Ballantyne

Category: Trauma

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (part 16) Putting my feelings in shutdown mode

    Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (part 16) Putting my feelings in shutdown mode

    Im not going to feel that now

    No, its not going to hurt me, I’m going to go rigid

    Switching off

    Numb

    I decided not to feel anything from a long time ago. It was the easiest thing at the time. It was more than that, it was a self protective thing, because of the arrows, lies, the verbal abuse and emotional reactions of the psychopath in my life.

    Did I train myself not to feel?

    Possibly

    I shut down all type of feelings or emotions My life is better that way
    or so I thought…

    I cant remember how or when I started to dissociate from my body. From my feelings. From listening to my heart.

    Probably from a time when it was unsafe to. Probably from a time when the needs it expressed as a toddler or child did not get responded to, or was scalded for.

    I didn’t know that it was known as ‘dissociation’ I just thought I was being clever, I was just doing what I needed to do to survive, I was just doing what I needed to to not be as hurt by the emotional abuse.

    What I do remember is the strength of my mind one time. On an early morning paper round late one winter/march time, I forgot my gloves, and I usually wore 2-3 pairs, it was the cold and wind chill on a bike… So, I remember thinking to myself that temperature was ‘all in the mind’ – and so, for the next 2 hours, cycling, folding and delivering newspapers I tried to focus my mind on things like warm fires, heat and sunshine, almost trying to block out to my mind the cold pain signals. To my surprise it virtually worked, until maybe the last 20 mins.

    Another time this occurred is that one piece of advice for cycling further is to listen to music, as it stops pain signals getting to the brain.

    The problem with both. Is that in the immediacy afterwards, I realised that my fingers were cold, in the hot shower afterwards… and also that my body after a 100 mile cycle could only endure so much blocking of the pain…

    Interesting.

    My body could only withstand so much of the blocking of the pain, when it was about the cold, or exercise..

    At the same time as blocking the cold on a paper round, I had been blocking the emotional reactions of the parent. I have done ever since. Just because im 43 and not 13 doesn’t mean to say that dissociation doesn’t occur even now, but it did last time 2 years ago.

    My mind took over, and knew it had a heart to protect, and my body went into a kind of dissociated paralysis in her presence. No you don’t get me to hug you back. You don’t get the me you damaged.

    What I also know I did was shut down my inner world, a world I am now discovering, but that’s for another piece.

    Dissociation is when you psychologically separate yourself from yourself. It can make you freeze up or shrivel inside, or even make you feel like you’re detached from your body

    Lindsay C Gibson, 2019 Recovering from Emotionally immature Parents

    Gibson goes on to say that dissociation is a ‘natural defence’ and can be any form of distancing from your conscious experience of yourself , being a primitive type of emotional escape and common defence against threat or danger, especially for children in an unsafe environment.

    There are costs to this reaction. But at the time its like coping with no gloves on a freezing cold day, its numbing the possibility of pain, and the pain itself.

    Its the proverbial deer in the headlights. The freeze.

    But in the moment it causes passivity. (The deer isn’t thinking much either)

    Recovering from this is to reclaim the action and power in the space- not to freeze, to ‘hang in there’ – and this is something I am working through. But for now, this is about recognising that surviving psychopathic parenting was a feat of natural strength, a natural shut off.

    Because

    When children discover how self-disconnect takes away pain, they use it for increasingly minor threats. After a while they can become strangers to their own inner experience, instead of just cutting themselves off from fear or hurt, all emotion gets so dulled that life itself feels a little unreal.

    Gibson, 2019, pp79.

    Yes.

    This.

    Living in my head, pretending, keeping the emotions at bay.

    In survival mode because of dissociation.

    Most, if not all of my childhood, and a lot of my adulthood to date so far.

    Discovering only recently through therapy what I feel – because I just dont or didnt know.

    Shut that bit off like headphones on a bike ride.

    Did everything to suppress the emotion.

    The body keeps the score though.

    Childhood Emotional Neglect: How It Can Impact You Now and Later

    Feeling shame, go numb

    Protect myself , freeze.

    Survival meant putting up the shield. One that doesn’t stop arrows, but tried to stop them going deep.

    Thank you for reading, links are above or to the right of the resources, the previous parts to my story, and also how you can support me, via the KO-FI site. Thank you

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 15): Learning to walk small.

    Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 15): Learning to walk small.

    The only way to survive navigating walking on eggshells with an abusive parent, or partner, is to make yourself as small as possible.

    In that way less of you can get cut on the sharp shells.

    Theres sometimes at least a few places to be able to walk safely.

    Sometimes.

    Scrapes and Cuts

    When they bark instructions on the phone, at least its not to you

    When other people are around the house, if they’re mistreating them, with often toxic food and emotionally awful conversation, in that space you are safe, even if their false charm is that…false. They daren’t look like they’re a bad person.

    ‘Look at James, here’s my boy… ‘

    Cringe time. But at least it was safe.

    Surviving as a child, and a victim, meant working out when the safe places were, and being small the rest of the time.

    Small.

    ‘The Ballantyne men, are all so quiet’ She would say.

    ‘Its as if no one wants to talk’ she would say

    Staying small.

    Behaving, most of the time.

    Being the internaliser who didnt express needs – for the fear of being accused of being selfish

    But small, in that not being able to be me.

    Small in trying to be the person who was seeking anything, affirmation, validity, a voice.

    Small in that it was a place not to speak.

    Small in that it was a place to hide

    Small in that it was a place to only try and stay within what was safe

    Small in that it was a place to keep trying to get affirmation and recognition, by trying to please, trying to do the thing I thought they wanted.

    Small and survive was not to deliberately touch the eggshells, or ride the sore feet.

    Small meant inhibiting myself, because who can grow in a concentration camp? A literal concentration camp when you have to be on vigilance guard all the time.

    A concentration camp when the trapped had to soothe and pacify the enactors of punishment.

    Small, hiding away.

    Dont make a noise, dont be disruptive, dont make a mess…

    And yet, they make themselves feel like they’re just normal, so to justify it ‘ we’re just like other parents’ ‘its what parents do’

    Surviving meant staying small. Inhibiting. Hiding. Pretending.

    Small in so many ways.

    Giving space away. People pleasing. Codependant. All things I became and am reflecting through.

    Staying small, meant not being heard, taken seriously or be healthily supported nurtured.

    Its hard to walk when your feet are small, and ravished by eggshell cuts.

    Walking small meant having to think ahead, constant. Fear.

  • Healing Dreams

    The Problem was that with just under a month to go until the exams and every free moment was crammed with information, when he (Harry) went to bed he found it very difficult to get to sleep at all, his overwrought brain presented him most nights with stupid dreams about his exams

    (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, JK Rowling, p630)
    Dreams: Causes, types, meaning, what they are, and more

    What are your dreams like?

    Do you dream in black or white or colour?

    Do you see yourself, or are you yourself in them?

    How often do you dream?

    I realised that for 30 years of my life I barely dreamt. I realised this about 2 years ago, when I had a dream. Until that point, I dont remember having more than one or two dreams for years.

    The Common dreams I had as a child were anxiety dreams. I only disclosed this to someone I felt safe to do so a few years ago. Many of my childhood dreams involved me reappearing at the events of that evening, but doing so completely naked. Then realising I was naked in the dream. It would often be on a Monday evening, after Scouts.

    Then again.

    There was another dream. A nightmare I had, as a family we’d watched the film The 39 Steps, I must have been about 6 or 7 , that night I had nightmares about falling off Big Ben.

    As a result my parents then teased me when ever we watched films in the future, and ‘whether I’d have a nightmare’ over it.

    They were the clearest dreams I had, until recently.

    From the age of 13 though, I haven’t allowed myself to dream. I have filled my mind, a bit like Harry, with the all consuming tasks of school, of exams.

    Then of over thinking.

    and theres the emotional anxiety of the childhood home, walking on eggshells.

    Of being responsible. Of taking the blame.

    So I didnt allow myself to dream.

    For another 15 years I pumped more stuff into my brain. Two degrees and the reading in between, whilst experiencing emotional abuse in the marriage too. Complicated by the continued emotional trauma of the parents.

    Sleep meant listening to podcasts to get to sleep. Drift off to the voice of calming human beings talking about their movies. Avoid the silence. Avoid the dreams. Keep thinking. Keep sleep and dreams at bay.

    By avoiding sleep, I was avoiding dreams.

    I didnt dream at all.

    I dissociated from them. Had to keep hiding my true self.

    Until 2 years ago. When I could relax, and feel safe.

    Deep sleep and REM sleep play an important roles in how our memories change over time. The sleeping brain reshapes memory by increasing the imprint of emotionally important information while helping irrelevant material fade away

    Dreams keep replaying, recombining and reintegrating pieces of old memories for months or years

    The Body Keeps the score, Bessel van Der Kolk, 2014, pp260

    My Therapist said to me that knowing that I had started to dream, and have dreams that had my parents in them, was a sign that I was healing.

    A sign that my brain, my memories knew that I was in a safe place to start to work on them. To reveal themselves to me.

    Dreams Heal.

    My dreams have been showing me some of the old stories and memories.

    My inner self is being allowed to see them.

    Im not trying to run away from the terror any more.

    Im dreaming so much, ands with such vividly that im writing them down.

    Most of my dreams are showing me something, telling me something.

    But the process of having them is healing in itself.

    From a time when I didnt want to dream.

    Now I know that this is part of my healing.

    Harry Potter, I get it. Its what I had done for years. Over thought, also lived with trauma for decades, and so wasnt able to dream.

    Healing dreams

    If you’re not allowing yourself to dream, it might be time to ask yourself why.

    If you dont feel safe to dream. This could well be a sign that something needs to change for you.

    Theres a number of articles on the links between dreams and trauma, and some tips on dealing with nightmares that affect sleep, one of them is here

  • Unlearning the Evangelical Self Loathing

    Unlearning the Evangelical Self Loathing

    I dont deserve to feel warm

    (Me, aged 9)

    I cannot remember what I had done. But whatever it was I had been punished for it and then I felt guilt and self loathing afterwards.

    All your Sins can be removed if you accept Jesus into your life

    (Childrens worker, John Wilkes, 1989, at my church)

    Growing up in an abusive evangelical home, I was never far from self loathing.

    It couldn’t be anyone else fault that things went wrong, apart from mine. For some reason I was given the responsibility. It was my fault my parents were angry at me.

    By the age of 9 I was convinced that shame and guilt was for me to carry. By that age too I was aware of the eggshells I needed to walk on around my parents.

    I didn’t deserve to be warm. I didnt deserve the basic essentials.

    I already bit my nails so that they were infected and painful. That pain was a place of reality. That pain was safe.

    I didnt deserve to be warm either as I took all my duvets and blankets off that night, and it wasn’t summer.

    I didnt deserve.

    I didnt deserve the essentials. Any actual treat would be difficult to receive.

    Being convinced of my own guilt, and shame.

    Consequently given the chance to ‘remove that shame’ aged 11 I took it.

    But it never really was removed was it?

    It doesn’t go away.

    In fact in a strange way it becomes more of an obsession.

    The Cleansing of Sin game, also paradoxically means focussing excessively on sin, and shame, and guilt all the time. An increased opportunity for me to embed self loathing into my core.

    Self loathing is described here as:

    Self-loathing is that underlying feeling that we are just not good: not good enough, not good at this, not good at that, not good at – or for –much of anything.  It can be subtle, we may habitually compare ourselves to others, for instance, constantly finding fault with ourselves and putting ourselves down, with no real awareness that there is anything amiss. Or, we may listen intently to our critical inner voice while it scolds and berates us, telling us how embarrassing, stupid, or insensitive we are; refusing to challenge it even while we suffer from it.

    We may try to suppress this feeling of inadequacy by behaving as though we are superior to others; more intelligent, clever, intuitive, or attractive. It’s as though we have to prove that we are the absolute best in order to avoid the torrent of internal abuse waiting to pounce the moment we show any fallibility.

    https://www.psychalive.org/self-loathing/

    That I dont deserve

    Shame

    Continual guilt.

    If God wasn’t always watching me, then there was always eggshells going off at home.

    I dont deserve.

    Awareness of personal sin, that leads to self denial and self loathing, thats what was happening to me.

    I fell into the cycle, the trap. I wasn’t good enough, nothing I did was good enough, I couldn’t fix it, I dont deserve…

    At age 10 I was more sinned against and didnt have parents who took any emotional responsibility (let alone other responsibilities) , but that wasn’t the message in church. The message I needed to hear, and the one that ‘saved’ me as a christian, was one that tried to alleviate the undeserving feelings I felt. My sin. Yet, the greatest ‘sin’ I had was that I would never be good enough or meet their needs. It was less sin but guilt and shame I wanted rid of. But that wasn’t going to be possible.

    Not with psychopathic evangelical parents (and you can read my story above)

    The songs that I listened to, ‘christian music’ in the 1990’s were full of the same self loathing, that I was feeling

    What if I stumble, what if I fall, what if I lose my step and I make fools of us all

    (DC Talk, Jesus Freak 1991)

    Whats going on inside of me, I despise my own behaviour’

    (DC Talk, I want to be in the light, 1991)

    I am the only one to blame for this, Somehow it all adds up the same

    (Worlds apart, Jars of Clay 1993)

    Growing up evangelical meant being obsessed by personal shame and guilt. It meant also taking on the feeling of responsibility for not only my own failings but also where I had ‘failed’ to make things better for others, revolving around the perpetual needs of others.

    Self-Loathing | VESSELS of VISION

    Would I say I hated myself?

    Parts of me yes. Parts of me no.

    The intellectual trying. Trying to be the best. Trying to prove myself even more.

    Self loathing meant feeling shame.

    Perpetuated from how I felt.

    Scratching my body at times, twisting and pulling my hair out. All signs of the same. Comfort eating.

    A continual loop throughout most of my teenage years, though, continued until not that long ago to be honest, and unlearning it is so hard.

    Trying to say too myself that ‘I do deserve this, because I am ok’ is against 40 years of default.

    SELF-LOVE OR SELF-LOATHING?

    Lindsey Gibson in her book ‘Adult children of emotionally immature parents’ (2015) writes the following:

    Many internalisers subconsciously believe that neglecting oneself is a sign of being a good person. When self absorbed parents make excessive claims on their children energy and attention, they teach them that self-sacrifice is the worthiest ideal- a message that internalising children are likely to take very seriously. These children do not realise that their self sacrifice has been pushed to unhealthy levels due to their parents self-centredness. Sometimes these parents use religious principles to promote self sacrifice, making their children feel guilty for wanting anything for themselves. In this way religious ideas that should be spiritually nourishing are instead used to keep idealistic children focussed on taking care of others’

    (Lindsay C Gibson, 2015, pp120-121)

    The question is how do you unlearn this? How did I?

    Its step by step. Clocking it.

    Realising that gradually when I say to myself that ‘I dont deserve’ something, its a part of my, my critical voice, that has been active too long.

    Realising that as I went to the supermarket on Saturday after having a bit of a wobbly day, and trying to convince myself that it was ‘ok’ to buy myself cake, and a treat. Yes, I guess that having to second guess myself to treat myself, comfort myself, still shows that theres still a large of part of me that has a default of not doing so.

    When we are tired we are attacked by Ideas we conquered a long time ago

    Nietzche

    Or, maybe when we are tired, and finding it a tough day, we revert to the self talk of not that long ago, whilst we are still trying to embody a new way of being.

    Part of my breaking down and rebuilding started with recognising that not everything is my fault. Part of my healing has been to realise that I need not carry decades of responsibility. To not hold it any longer.

    My default of 40 years was to think I dont deserve.

    Maybe that is you too.

    I thought I didnt deserve what I needed. I though I didn’t deserve to feel happy. I felt shame, guilt and self loathing for what I continuously self internalised, encouraged and abetted by my parents and also the strand of evangelical christianity in which I had a strong identity and safety in.

    Part of healing is to name and be close to the things that were unhealthy, harmful and caused me (and you) to feel unhealthy, shame and destructive.

    So I just wanted to say to you, say to me.

    You do deserve it.

    Beautiful human you.

    Breaking down might mean breaking away from the self loathing.

    ‘You are enough’

    If that is the case, then let it go. Shed that skin. It wasn’t doing you any good, none at all.

    Time to wake up the real you.

    Its hard road Im on, unlearning 40 years of the same shame.

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 11): Being the Trophy child

    Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 11): Being the Trophy child

    Theres a weird dynamic that I had to wrestle with in talking about all of this stuff. Its knowing that as I grew up as the older child of the psychopath parents, I was the trophy child. So, when talking about what I needed to do to survive as a child, and adult, I am aware that the scapegoat child, my younger sister, got it far worse. I know that, she knows that, we talk, we’re doing ok, better than we have ever done.

    In my head I know that as I was lied to, we were both lied to. As I was subject to emotional abuse, so was she. Its weird, as in a way having an awareness that ‘someone else’ had it worse, can make it feel like I dont have as much to tell, or that the abuse I suffered wasn’t as much..

    At least you didnt have it as bad as your sister

    And while this is more than likely true. In fact it is definitely true.

    My story is that even as the so called trophy child I was subject to emotional abuse. It didnt alleviate any of it. It was different.

    The fact they said they treated us both the same, is true, neither of us received any emotional nurturing, both of received fair doses of fear, guilt, and plenty of opportunities to walk on eggshells around the emotional scatter gun that was the psychopath parent.

    We were both alone, growing up, thats how they played us.

    Being the trophy child, as I recollected to my therapist, was like doing all the work, with no pay.

    Cartoon Trophy Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

    Massive high expectations.

    Always counted on to do the right thing.

    I learned to ignore what I wanted to do, at times, because surviving meant staying as the trophy child.

    Intense guilt, or projected fear about ‘letting them down’ or knowing that I was near to eggshells territory if I did.

    As the trophy child, I had the ‘opportunity’ for me to fulfil the parts of them they lacked.

    The opportunity that they would ‘take’ the glory for whatever it was that I might have done. Receiving what they felt that they were entitled to receive, not what they actually did to support and encourage. It was all work that I did alone.

    Being the trophy child is like all work and no pay. And I dont mean in monetary terms, though that would be another story, the manipulative gifts.

    Being the trophy child did mean that I escaped some of the more damaging abuse. I so get that. Thats why’s I am at times conflicted sharing my story.

    Because I was relatively self directed, competent and didnt need them, (the internaliser) , I was relatively low maintenance, especially as I was compliant and generally behaved.

    Not that this was ever noticed. Because, part of my parents nature, especially as victims in the Darvo cycle, is to regurgitate tales of how difficult I was, how awkward I was, how much stress I gave them, especially the times when I didnt actually do the things they wanted me to do.

    Part of surviving psychopathic parenting is that I developed the ‘role self’ from the parents, in which I was able to navigate through it, knowing that it wasn’t really truly me, and also that its very difficult to see it at the time.

    Surviving psychopathic parenting is knowing that these people who call themselves your parents are never going to see you. It’s just not in their nature, and what they do see, they want to take it for themselves. So, as the trophy child it was all about having ‘hope and expectation’ placed on me, so that I would be the bearer of their happiness and joy.

    Obvious favouritism isnt a sign of close relationship, its a sign of enmeshment

    Gibson, Lindsay C, 2016

    What I know now is that none of that would have mattered. I could have got a Phd at Cambridge at aged 26 and that would not have made a single difference. Because emotionally unhealthy, psychopathic parents can not actually be happy. Because then the world can stop revolving around them, there is a chink in their armour.

    I probably haven’t covered all of what its like being the trophy child to psychopathic parents. More will come I am sure.

    Just because you’re the trophy child, it just meant that the emotional abuse was different. It wasn’t more or less, after all it isn’t a competition. Psychopathic abuse is just directed differently.

    In idealised enmeshment, the parent indulges a favourite child as though that child is more important and deserving than other kids. However this traps the idealised favourite child in an ironclad role, so that child isnt experiencing an true emotional intimacy either

    Gibson, 2016

    Whats interesting about this is that though this sounds like the idealised child is actually spoilt. In my case, they did everything but, and went out of their way not to. As I said, all work and no pay. I survived, my story, is about surviving alone, and digging deep into my own, emotional, physical, intellectual resources. That was the only way to survive.

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 10); Navigating the other parent, the flying monkey.

    But you do have another parent, couldn’t you talk to them?

    Your other parent, they’re so nice, they’d do anything for anyone

    Only one of the above is true.

    Theres a reason why you feel completely alone when one of your parents is a psychopath.

    You realise that you cannot trust the other one.

    Even if you are allowed to be anywhere near them.

    You discover that they can’t be trusted.

    I did, though I cannot remember exactly when.

    In the name of marital loyalty they tell everything to the psychopathic one.

    They are on the same eggshells. Afraid to keep secrets.

    They are passive.

    They are controlled.

    They do the work of the psychopath for them.

    They are their flying monkey.

    They have no choice but to believe them.

    You know they wouldn’t believe you. They cant protect you , the child.

    Mine didnt, couldn’t, wasn’t going to.

    They are also abused themselves, but they dont know it. Wouldn’t want to know it.

    Surviving psychopathic parenting is about Surviving alone.

    The one psychopath can divide a whole family, a whole community, thats how dangerous one of them is (Erikson, 2019) It only takes one.

    The other parent elicits sympathy from others, your poor father, as they take on meeting others needs like a codependant. They take on befriending and soothing others, for the psychopathic one to manipulate later. They dont realise it, but thats how the pattern works.

    Maybe if you had emotionally abusive parents it was different for you?

    One of mine was abused by the other, passive, and then offered no protection from her.

    The other was a psychopath.

    The ‘Other’ was played, believed the victim lies, span a tale too.

    You dont have either parent, if one of them is a psychopath. Even if mine appeared generally friendly, sometimes playful, even spending a bit of time as a child with them making train sets.

    Ultimately though, they are just a shell. A tool. Being used as the flying monkey to elicit information to the other one.

    Its why the only way is to survive alone.

    You cant trust anyone.

    Until you can find people you can trust in.

    People who have boundaries. People who protect.

    I didnt have the ‘other’ parent. There was no such thing.

    Its like growing up with secondary eggshells. You know what you say goes back. You know they are sent in to discover information.

    You know you’re likely to be given the guilt trip that ‘they might miss out’ and they do.

    They have made that choice.

    Surviving Psychopathic parenting, and psychopaths and abusive people , is to see and realise the patterns of the flying monkeys.

    The other parent, the psychopaths flying monkey.

    Thank you for reading this, part 10 of my story, do read the other parts in the menu above, and also there are resources in the other menu too.

  • Responding to the Treacle Days

    Responding to the Treacle Days

    What is black treacle and how is it manufactured today?

    Like wading through treacle.

    Trying to walk through fog.

    Every now and again I get one of these.

    Beyond the healing and surviving. Beyond the self understanding, and in the safety, peace, love of my new life.

    Maybe I thought i wouldn’t get these. Maybe I had a vision that once undergoing therapy, once with the tools in the box, life would be a continued breeze, one rainbow dance after the other.

    I guess once I stopped trying to survive – Ive started to heal.

    And healing is taking a number of methods.

    Healing is occurring, as I have had to get closer to the past I tried to run away from.

    A treacle day is when my brain is showing me things that its been holding.

    A treacle day is as when I have the emotional space to feel things I hadn’t felt before.

    Like grief the week before mothers day.

    Yesterday I had a dream about my High School – what does my brain have space to show me there?

    Its also my birthday week. So for some of mothers day grief, my birthday only brings me memories of embarrassment and disrespect, a chance for the traumatising to have centre stage.

    I thought I could avoid treacle days.

    Nope.

    Avoiding isnt healing is it. When I’ve been holding it, avoiding it, trying to forget.

    But I shouldn’t feel like this, I should be happy all the time, I have no reason to feel….no, I am healing…this is going to take time…I might ‘understand’ what happened to me, but my body has alot to unravel…

    So what do I do?

    Ive got to take my own advice haven’t I? 

    Breathe. Just stop. Breathe.

    Yesterday I tried to walk it off, walking, taking photos, and I was genuinely looking forward to a day in the sunshine, walking the nature walks, but when I woke up, post dream, it was a treacle day.

    That was the plan, original plan, but my mind had other ideas…I still took some good photos though…

     

    My head was spinning.

    Overthinking the fact that I shouldn’t be thinking this way.

    ‘Be kind to myself’

    I said to myself.

    Try and help myself realise that I am ok.

    And, that this is hard.

    Grief is hard.

    I could do some destructive things at this point, like be angry on the internet, get passionate about something. Distract. Get a whole load of sympathy from ‘the internet’ and bring others down to me. When actually it wasn’t what I needed to do with this.

    I did go shopping and buy myself some nice food – it is my birthday this week after all…

    Having space to heal, might mean encountering new parts my life that I didnt realise I had been holding. Might mean seeing the same situations each year in a new way.

    Somehow Ive got to get closer to heal from.

    Let it happen.

    Let the things that need to heal to be revealed

    Not run from them.

    Wade the treacle.

    Wade the treacle with a warm spoon so it starts to melt.

    (Fog lifts with the warm sun)

    A warm spoon.

    Speak to myself with kindness.

    Actually realise my mind is trying to help me be kind to myself.

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 8): I couldn’t do anything about it, but I knew.

    Dad, Do you think theres an all powerful, sovereign, all knowing, overseeing, higher power, dominating force thats controlling all our lives?

    Said the front of the Fathers day I sent to my Dad when I was about 13.

    Inside it read;

    Yeah, its Mum isn’t it?

    It was the one occasion probably in my life where this was the perfect card to send. (Mothers day cards were impossible)

    The thing that surprised me, is that they put the card on display on top of the microwave (don’t ask) for all to see. I guess when you’re that entitled, you dont mind that your spouses Fathers day card is all about you.

    One of the things that enabled me to survive was that I could see it, and on this occasion Clintons Cards conveyed what everyone was thinking.

    Part of my survival story was that I knew.

    Even If as a child I could do anything about it. I still knew.

    Even if I couldn’t articulate it to others, I still knew.

    Even if I was trapped in an emotional minefield, I knew.

    So knowing meant that I could disengage.

    It meant I knew that what they said I didn’t need to believe. What I could do was listen, but not take in what they said. Though I couldn’t do anything about what she said or did. I at least had made an intellectual decision not to accept it.

    The shutting off had begun.

    But also, so had the realisation of what I knew.

    I survived from then on by staying in my head.  That was the place that was safe. My head had worked things out. I had survived without emotional support (I was the rescuer of theirs remember).

    Being able to discount them as useful, helpful or supportive was part of it too. But what I could see at that early age was the truth.

    There was only 1 dominant force controlling all of our lives.

    Though no one could do anything about it, and that person would be in denial of it. Everyone knew. That I knew helped me survive.

    Breaking down in the last few years, meant getting in touch with what I left behind.

    But knowing helped me survive.

     

    Thank you for reading, Parts 1-7 are in the menu above. Do read and share if you think my story will help others. If you’d like to support me there are ways in the menu to the right, and theres resources also above in the menu, including links to books that have helped me.

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 7): Why I have to thank Roald Dahl (but didn’t realise until last week)

    I was wondering a few months ago about whether there was any children story books written to help them see what domestic violence looks like, when it is against them, and by their parents. In Lindsay Gibsons book she refers to the many children stories of old that regail of how children survive and thrive, win and adventure without the help of parents, or against the abuse by ‘step’ parents, and you’ll know the Disney ones I mean. At the time I was reading, and am still reading Harry Potter, and though he is extremely abused by his adoptive Guardians, and is full of recollected grief for his own parents, he was not abused by them.

    What I realised two weeks ago was that I knew of the book.

    What I realised two weeks, minus 1 day ago, is that I knew of the book, because I had the book.

    What I realised two weeks, minus one day go, is that I read the book that includes many elements of the behaviour of my psychopathic/emotionally immature parents in it, whilst I was as child.

    Im sure there are other books out there, but the realisation that I not only had the book, read the book, I also loved the book, and I somehow even then saw something in me in the main character, whilst not completely seeing the extent to which the abuse she encountered at the time. But then again, my brain was probably doing its protective thing and not seeing it.

    So reading it again and Im seeing:

    At this point ______ entered the room. He was incapable of entering any room quietly, he always had to make his presence felt immediately by creating a lot of noise and clatter. One could almost hear him saying ‘Its me, Here I come, the great man himself, the master of the house, the wage earner…

    From the main characters Parents.

    When confronted by the Parents, the teacher has to develop all the required tools to deal with narcissism, like not using anger, staying cool, being firm, creating boundaries and not rising to their bait. It was amazing to read in a childrens book, all the techniques I’ve had to read in self help books on this (see the resources in the menu above).

    By now, youve probably worked out the book, its Matilda, by Roald Dahl, published in 1988.Matilda (novel) - Wikipedia

    Later after we have encountered the head teacher at Matildas school, Miss Trunchbull, we see that in the words of a 5 year old child, we see emotional intelligence and perception so beyond her years, and in Matildas words, the pattern of the entitled , narcissist is revealed. After an incident in which the Trunchbull throws a girl in pigtails, by the pigtails over the school fence, there is this conversation;

    How can she get away with it? Lavender said to Matilda ‘Surely the children go home and tell their mothers and fathers.I know my father would raise a terrific stink if I told him the headmistress had grabbed me by the hair and slung me over the fence’

    No, he wouldn’t  Said Matilda, ‘and ill tell you why..he simply wouldn’t believe you’

    ‘Of Course he would’ , Said Lavender

    ‘He wouldn’t ‘ Matilda said, And the reason is obvious. Your story would sound too ridiculous to be believed. And that is there Trunchbulls great secret

    ‘What is’ ,  Said Lavender.

    ‘Never do anything by halves if you want to get away with it. Be outrageous. Go the whole hog. Make sure everything you do is completely crazy its unbelievable. No parent is going to believe this pigtail story, not in a million years, Mine wouldn’t they’d call me a liar’

    Now obviously Matildas parents don’t see her, and view her merely as a scab (Page 2), but from her own words (or Dahls) we see the pattern of the self obsessed narcissistic parent, in the Trunchbull. The one who has no regard for the rules, for social rules of dignity and decency, of the human condition of the other. They are the law unto themselves. Doing actions so shocking, that evoke stunned trauma, and disbelief. That is the pattern of one of my parents.

    So why didn’t I see it? Maybe I did. Maybe I also saw what I had to do.

    As you may know Matilds draws on her inner guile, magic, knowledge and self to survive. I wonder how much this book, reading it at age 10 had on me at the time, subliminally, she was stuck between abusive parents and headteacher, and yet emerged with her own sense of self, and with one supportive adult that gave her the emotional space she needed to thrive, but also knowing she had to take responsibility for herself, because it wasn’t going to be from elsewhere.

    But if you want to see how to respond to entitlement, narcissism, and abusive adults, and educate and help children see it, then in my opinion you could do alot worse than use Matilda as an example. 30 years on, and I cant quite believe how accurate its descriptions are of behaviour I have witnessed in my whole life. Maybe the magic of Roald Dahl, for me was that he showed the ways of survival and also patterns of behaviour to the child.

    Yes Matilda had the help of some significant miracles to combat the Trunchbull in the heat of the storm, and get justice, and overcome her Parents, but so much else was about the inner strength and responsibility she took for her own life, being generally kind, grounded and diligent, and also having one trusting, supportive adult who also saw her, believed in her and gave her time.

    So yes, I have Roald Dahl to thank, because he gave me a hero that survived and thrived in the midst of the most emotionally toxic situations, and even though I didnt ‘see’ it at the time, obviously something completely resonated.

    Thank you for reading, this is part 7 of my Survivor Story, if you’d like to read from the beginning part 1 is here and the rest of the parts are in the menu above.

     

     

  • Is Generation X healing from Baby Boomer Parents?

    Is Generation X healing from Baby Boomer Parents?

    (This blog is written by James and Christelle to accompany their latest video which is here, in which we ask the same question. We would like to prompt a conversation about this, and would like to hear from you and invite you into the conversation.) 

    This blog is dedicated to those who have supported us on our journey.

    It is also for those whose hidden journeys are yet to be revealed.

    Why?

    Because we are wondering if there is a trend going on.

    James; When I was first volunteering in Youth Ministry back in the 1990’s, there were a number of studies done about the difference in ‘generations’.  The reason was that youth ministry then, and now, became about relevance. Discovering what each generational demographic was broadly like, became a guide, and marker. What we didn’t really hear about was stuff about the potential of generational trauma to be passed down from one generation to the next. Why do I say this?

    Well..because…

    It seems like there are a significant number of people in their mid/late 30s through to 50’s (Generation x born 1965-1980) who are undergoing a realisation of the emotional abuse/trauma from the parents who were born around 1945-1960 (the baby boomers)?

    Why might that be?

    We’re not sure that Generation X has hit ‘mid-life’ crises all at once.

    ‘Mid-life crisis’ ….doesn’t equate to the number of people who are having their eyes open to the realisation of the horror of the behaviour they were subjected to as children or adults, by their Baby boomer parents.

    Descriptors like entitled, precious, favourite princess babies (after the war), narcissist, self obsessed, driven, also.. busy, aloof… are all words that fit the behaviour of many parents from the Baby Boomer generation.

    Psychologists and counsellors have also said the same, in the following books.

    Maybe its now when Generation X have had enough, and started to make different decisions, rather than accommodate abuse.

    Instead its time to deal with it, by working on themselves.

    Realising that they werent the problem all along.

    Maybe, as in our own case, we realised that we played rescuer, and it was a role that was exhausting.  It’s time to devolve that responsibility to those who should have it themselves. It’s easy to be forced into the rescue game for those who play victim and persecutor. Its ironic also, that generation X will continue to over stretch taking responsibility for an older generation as they age.

    What caused it?

    We could go further back and make an argument that the parents of Baby Boomers could be ‘at fault’ – but this isn’t about blame. Blaming upwards, or not taking responsibility, is what we’ve heard all our lives.

    We are already the generation who has taken responsibility – by fighting on climate change, poverty, young people, equality and many other matters, we are already equipped with knowing that if it’s going to change, only we can change it. We’re also seeing our children fight for justice at an earlier age again.

    Blame won’t change the pattern. We already know change starts with us.

    But we’re wondering – is there some kind of collective generational trauma revealing and healing going on?

    So, are Generation X adults undergoing a collective healing from Baby Boomer parents? 

    Open question..What are your thoughts?

    Please comment below, please do share this post or our video. Maybe talking about it might mean that you can know you’re not alone.

    If you would like to watch the accompanying video to this blog it is here: