James Ballantyne

Tag: lies

  • The Lies on Trumans Wall.

    Im definitely not going to be the first person to give some thought to the themes in the film ‘The Truman Show’ which was released in 1997 (I think), in fact on of my best friends wrote her Masters thesis on it, linking it to the christian faith. 

    But I think nearly 30 years later (ouch) I can do a few spoilers. 

    Truman is born into an artificially created universe for the purposes of being filmed constantly on TV, he is the star of his own TV show, that he doesn’t know, from birth, to school, to friends, to girlfriend, all are actors in the set, and this is his life. 

    On a number of occasion people invade the set to try and ‘free’ him, and gradually, and accidentally he begins to realise that what he thought was normal, was actually scripted, and regular behaviours by actors on the set, people going to work, the street cleaner always in the same place, the lift actually not being a real lift in the lift shaft next to the one he usually used. His ‘wife’ talking to the camera to advertise a cereal product, in the midst of a conversation. Branding was everywhere because this funded the series, and it was big money. 

    It was Big brother before big brother came to being, yet big brother was voluntary act, Truman show was about the story of Truman – being the only True Man, and everything around him being fake. 

    What Truman had to start doing was realising that there were patterns to peoples behaviour. 

    What Truman had to start doing was realising that whilst no one was completely lying, they were all affected by the desire to control and contain, because, they were being paid to ‘keep the show on the road’ sponsorship, branding and advertisements were driving, and popularity moments (like first kiss and wedding) were big popular national collecting moments, in which sponsorship craved. 

    What Truman had to start to do was disrupt the patterns. 

    What Truman then started to have to do was decide when and where he was going to believe and accept the lies happening around him. His Mate on the truck on the bridge, they have a long conversation, ‘I wouldn’t lie to you’ he says. But he is. 

    Truman starts to realise that inner pull to something closer to the truth. 

    He only knows the structured world of his existence, a world in which everyone is lying to him, a world which has been cleverly constructed and formed. 

    But he starts to realise that he has been lied to for all of his life. 

    And he starts to express the emotions of this

    He begins to realise that the world in which he has been contained in – even if its being broadcast to millions, wasnt free and wasnt big enough, for though he had dreams to go to far off lands, every boat he tried to use to get through was subject to ‘fake’ storms and weather incidents…. fake weather he began to notice…. 

    His anger at being lied to began to fuel the energy for him to find freedom, and live a life of truth, beyond the falsity of containment, marketing and to also realise and find the person who once loved him. 

    For so many of us … actually 

    I am definitely in a phase of ‘middle age rage’ at the moment, and im sure I am not the only one. 

    Whether we feel small, and been kept small for too long

    Whether we realise that we’ve been lied to, or not believed

    Whether we feel like our world has been clipped and shrunk

    Whether we’ve been told were not good enough, clever enough, pretty enough, worked hard enough, in the right job etc etc…

    Or told to stay within the confines of lies to stay safe, small and loyal. 

    Whether were not able to be ‘true’ to our purpose, destiny or calling

    Whether we’re being or have been abused and contained. 

    Whether our minds have been conditioned by all of this, happening to us, in childhoods, churches, systems, workplaces, relationships, wherever. 

    And often, subconsciously we swap one place of lies for another, because its what we got used to. 

    Im realising now quite how much I experienced suppression. 

    Realising how I made myself small. 

    I realised that my mum was lying about me, and to me, and always was, but I had to go along with believing her, whilst I was in the house, until I was 18 and until I was free, so free that I was sick on the train leaving home. Free to not have to navigate suffocating and destructive lies on a daily basis. 

    With so much disorientation around him, Truman grew up in a place that the blurred lines between what was real and what was fake were difficult to notice. The people themselves were real, physically, but they were being pulled by invisible strings (often also with ear pieces in ) . Invisible strings of a controlling director and a team of producers and TV staff. When I was 18/19 and watching the movie the first time I had so little ability to see how relevant it was for me. 

    ‘The Truth will set you free…… but it will piss you off first’ (source contested)

    ‘For centuries, even millenia, humans have believed that a conflict exists in the human mind between good and evil. But this isnt true. Good and evil are just the result of the conflict. The real conflict is between truth and lies. (Ruiz, The Fifth Agreement) 

    The Lies on Trumans wall were keeping him safe.

    They were also keeping him contained.

    They were told they were for his benefit .

    What are the ones you believe in, that you can’t let go of?

    But they were for the TV viewers, for the paid actors, for the paid TV staff, for everyone else. 

    Everyone else benefitted by Trumans containment. 

    The lies on Trumans wall needed rage, needed awareness, need for him to see them, and see the effects of them on him. How nothing made sense and nothing was real. 

    Nothing emotionally was real in a world played by fakery, by sheen, and for performance. Truman was the star of a show he didnt want to be in. Yet he played it until he realised it was fake. Yet he played it until he realised it was doing him harm. 

    For I have come that you might have life, life in all its fullness (John 10:10, The Bible)

    And that might mean being a sheep free from a pen that Jesus describes, in which the thief is present, to roam and explore the hillside, knowing that theres a safe shepherd at the gate as a touchpoint back. 

    Truman didnt know what lay beyond the wall at the edge of the known world to him. He didnt know how even to get out. But something real was burning inside. 

    He didnt even know there was an out. He just kept going. With the belief that there was one day a person who showed him what love was and that she was waiting. 

    Maybe it’s beauty that does save us in the end (Dostoevsky) , but it might take a period of rage at the unreality to get there. The Lies on Trumans wall, at the edges of his universe held him in, until he realised there was something else, something deeper at the source of his soul that urged him to look, urged him to find it. 

    Freedom was beyond the lies on Trumans wall. Freedom is to live a life free from lies, from the lies we believed and and the lies we inherited. Freedom from the lies we tell ourselves. 

    And Truman after all that rage. Just walked through. Once he found the door. 

    The Universe conspires to help the dreamer (Paulo Coelho) 

  • The Lie we’re conditioned to believe.

    I will be ok. 

    Thats the lie. Right there. 

    Actually not quite. 

    Because thinking about it, ‘I will be ok’ was always true, as im still here now, and ‘I will be ok’ was what I used to say to myself a lot, when going through the bewilderment of emotional abuse and manipulation in childhood and in a long term marriage. When things got tough, or weird or both, and much was just what I had been used to since birth; ‘I will be ok’ would be what I said to myself. 

    And because im here writing this, I guess that isnt the liee then. That was grit and determination rearing its strengthening head. 

    The lie was this. 

    ‘I will be ok….if’ 

    ‘If’ that tiny little word. 

    ‘If’ could also appear at the end of the phrase

    ‘They might like me .. IF’ 

    or

    ‘They might be proud of me … ‘IF’ 

    or 

    ‘Things might be ok…’if’’

    But lets get back to the first one

    ‘I will be ok….if’ 

    Conditional Okay-ness. 

    Because thats what it is. Ultimately. It’s about having a self belief that is only satisfied when certain conditions happen. Conditional self- worth, self -respect, self-regard. 

    ‘I will be ok….. if im a little bit fitter’ 

    ‘I will be happy … if I write a piece that goes viral’ 

    ‘I will be happy…. on a sunny day’ 

    ‘I will be ok… if ‘they’ treat me ok’ 

    ‘I will be ok….. if _______ happens’ 

    ‘I will be ok… if get to put in my meditation, breathing, bath, journal, cook nice food, give myself some me time, breathe again, watch the roses grow and do yoga..twice… then ill be ok’ 

    ‘I will be ok……if’ 

    Because it’s a lie. 

    In his book ‘Living untethered’ (and also The Untethered Soul) Micheal Singer writes about how much of our lives are spend trying to avoid, navigate, deny or skirt around pain and challenges in our lives, so much that they dominate. So much so that we create a type of living in which the pain, the abuse, the darkness holds us in captive, and so we instead (I instead) would tell myself these little lies, the lies of conditional okayness. 

    Because I wasnt ok, I hoped and tried to will myself to be, but without facing the real pain, the real issues inside. I was temporarily ok….if my football team won, if I managed to get a good grade in an essay, if I could ride my bike…if , if, if, if… 

    I needed something to happen for me to have temporary ok-ness. 

    I needed something to cause me to feel a tiny bit ok. 

    I was requiring something other, to soothe… something inner. 

    I was needing ‘the world’ to fix/solve/soothe what was on the inside… without facing or dealing with the real issue. It was avoidant, I was avoidant, and yet ‘I will be ok..if’ is all around and so it was easy to go along with it… even if I was dying on the inside. 

    Because. If was depending on something to make me feel ok. Then I wasnt ok. 

    I was just in a cycle of it. 

    Being ok, needn’t be conditional. 

    It took me a very long while, at least 5 years of facing the stuff, journaling, listening to my emotions, giving myself time, safety, therapy, using the tools and having better self care routines, that helped me be in a better place. A place where I could trust myself a bit, a place where I was more aware of my sensitive nature, and awareness of the damage that had been done to me. (for more of this read my story here) . Yet, I was still trying to believe that I was ok. Yes I could relax, yes I was safe, but so much deep down, inside I was , and especially when I hit some low points, I would collapse and breakdown, which I did in 2023. 

    I knew I didnt believe in myself because the very thing that I needed, was the thing I criticised. Positive psychology. Thinking positively. Self affirmations.. yuk no no no. I can’t do that…it’s so Ammmerrican. It’s false, it’s ugh, no. 

    But I realised that my inner critic voice was still running the roost. Even with a lot of change. I still had ‘needs’ and ‘needed things’ to be ok. 

    I didn’t believe I was ok, not unconditionally ok. Self belief hung on a fragile string. 

    That little lie ‘ I will be ok…if……I change my job…if I write something…if I …..’ 

    And whilst im at it, ill not dwell on this here, but I might well have been told that ‘God loved me’ – but since that was also the belief of my abusive parent, and also church was a place I needed to belong, to be important, to be busy, to be intelligent, to know (and not feel) – two theology degrees later and a 22 year career working in faith groups in the UK… Unconditional Gods love, was lost in a kernel of conditional institutional performance and responsibility. It wasnt Gods fault. But too much pain and damage surrounded this heart, and so unconditional love or even unconditional ‘ok-ness’ was off the table. 

    So, it was easy to believe the lie. 

    I wasnt ok, and I was stuck in a cycle of believing that I would be one day ok…if…

    What I had to do was face the reality of myself, and my hurts, pains, defence mechanisms, sand strategies…and dig right deep, into the places of self loathing, self mistrust, self destruction… and find myself stronger, more loving, and more compassionate than all of them. 

    To start to rebuild a self that had been broken and tormented since birth. 

    To realise that ‘ I will be ok.. If’ 

    Was actually a lie. 

    Because the truth is something else. 

    The truth is not that I am ok. 

    The truth is that I just am. 

    Regardless of what happens. I still am. 

    Regardless of what I do… I am

    And in me there is love, and joy, and calm, and truth… 

    The funny thing is, in the last year or so I notice myself saying things like ‘I need ______’ or ‘if I buy _______ ill be ok’ – its almost as if its an unusual thing, to notice, to realise and then I check in with myself. 

    I dont need to believe that I am conditionally ok. 

    And neither do you. 

    But it’s a lie we’ve been often told to believe. 

    Because it keeps us trapped.

  • Choosing a Life Beyond the News Cycle

    I was raised to believe that it was important to watch the news and stay informed.

    When my friends were watching the Simpsons, or fresh prince, or some other thing when they ate their tea in front of the TV.

    My childhood was spent watching…

    Blue Peter from 5.15pm or Crackerjack (and I was terrified of the gunge machine, I still dont know why , but I was)

    Neighbours from 5.35, or whatever the BBC used to fill that space before then, then because 6pm was always the time the ‘food’ was served, it was BBC news time.

    Nicolas Witchell, Angela Rippon, whoever it was, presenting.

    The 6pm news.

    From an early age, (im only 46) first memories include the Brighton Bombing, Mid nineties Thatcher, Poll tax riots, IRA bombings, conflict in Isreal, and then probably the event that captured my news attention and kept it for the next 30 odd years. The Gulf war of 1990.

    Then I started to do paper rounds, and I became the delivered of the news to people, and I got paid for it, and I read it. Slowly moving my attention from the back pages (sport, interesting) to the front (politics boring..then interesting..addictive)

    It was as if it was drummed into me that staying informed was important. Because this is what the routine was. 6pm news time. Bedtime as I grew older was ‘after the 9pm, or 10pm news’ The News dictated life events.

    The more we follow the news, the better informed we are and the healthier our democracy. This is still the story many parents tell their kids, but scientists are now reaching very different conclusions. The news, according to dozens of studies, is a mental health hazard’

    Rutger Bregman, Humankind, 2020

    Yet that ingrained societal view is still there.

    And I have no doubt that right now the media is useful, but until it gets a backbone, it’s merely a publishing arm of the political leader and their drama that is feeding it. And media loves attention as media loves drama. The spiral creates clicks. It’s not news when people do their jobs properly, it just doesn’t sell.

    The problem is that we’re in danger of forgetting the truth, and cultivating a life around the lies and responding to them. I can honestly say that BBC news 24 was on repeat hour by hour most nights for me, for about 10 years, in those days I would watch ‘ the news, sport and weather’ to switch off. Yet it was doing nothing of the sort.

    It was creating pathways in my brain of how I was seeing the world, negativity, conflict, competition, hate and lies, shouted by the loudest, ‘them’ and ‘us’, ‘othering’ – blame put on young people, poor people, everything a war, or crisis. Then the were the conversations about the news, so Question Time, or ‘This week’ or satire to soothe the news.’ HIGNFY’ or Mock the week’ – what a spiral!

    One of the things I noticed, when I furnished my new flat in 2019, and for the last 6 years, is that I dont have a TV.

    I proudly could say also that I didnt let a single spoken word of Boris Johnson or even in his first and now second stint as toddler in chief (TIC) of the USA, DT, enter the airwaves of that space, or my new one. I dont listen to the Radio either (and I used to have radio 5 on all of the time too).

    I would have thought that I was a kind of loony hippy by doing this, I get strange looks now ‘ what you dont have a TV?’ I also then get the ‘I bet you watch Netflix though, or something else.’ Nope, (You tube yes) its as if TV is meat eating and im now in some kind of weird ‘free from ‘ media diet. Maybe thats it. Maybe, by not having the news on, the radio on, and trying desperately to not a have a social media feed thats sharing responses, reactions, the consequences and the fears of TIC.

    Maybe thats it. Call me an idealist, Call me a dreamer, call me lost in a cloud of unreality. But news, drama, and TV is a choice. It might not feel like it, but it is. And powerful people are forcing its power on us all, and more often than not it’s making us sick.

    We are not rational enough to be exposed to the press

    (Nassim Taleb)

    Free from.

    Because yes there are horrible, nasty, challenging things in the world. There truly are, there truly will be, and the most awful are barely on the news. There are real things that require effort and time. Its no surprise that the increase hours of tv watching as culminating in societal loneliness, reduced volunteering and reduced community spirit (Bowling Alone, 1996). Social prescribing might not have been a required thing, but it is. There’s a need for doctors to encourage social being-ness. Lost connections increase depression (Johann Hari)

    Mental health charities might suggest a social media switch off. But that lets the deemed mainstream off scot free. It’s all of it.

    Note your feelings as you watch or consume it. Then how you react to others or what you need after it. If you’re not ok, then you’re not ok, and the news isnt there to make you feel good, it’s not its job, even if that lie of ‘being informed’ has been drummed into you.

    Mark yourself free from the news for a day, or two, or a week. See what that feels like. Because if you can do it, you might notice something.

    If it seems radical to switch off the news, then something is clearly wrong with society, and our view of what’s important. And trust me, its hard work to keep up, when its become a trauma bond of voyeristic proportions.

    It might sound like I am weak to not be able to ‘cope with the news’ as it’s a ‘little bit triggering’ , or im too sensitive. It not that at all. I have made choices to say no to the powerful forces of the media in certain forms, and go against the default flow of the news narrative. I think that makes me powerful.

    Free from. It’s not just the physical diet, or the spiritual one, it’s the media too. Boundaries are for all of these things, and in order for us to remember our own strength, power and immensity, ‘No’ when it comes to the media, is a stance.

    ‘They dont write the truth about us, so why should I believe what they say about them’ (Pride, the movie)

    Switching off, virtually completely was what I had to do, some of that was enforced, some of that was genuinely because I started ‘project James’ and began looking inwards, with therapy 6 years ago, and I realised that I just didnt have the energy, or even desire to listen, watch or engage anymore. It wasnt as important as me.

    And the news isnt as important as you either. It’s not real, and its lies only exist because enough people believe in them.

    And 6 years down the road, Im still a non TV news evangelist.

  • The Dangerous Power of Truth

    There’s that moment at the end of Harry Potter 7. For two books Harry has been tormented by the flashings of Voldemorts actions, and feelings. Harrys scar has got more painful, the dreams more harrowing. Snape and Dumbledore giving harry time and education to try and help him control his mind, and not react to the dreams, to the pain, to the torment.

    The memories were being used against Harry. Harry felt subject, submissive to the torment.

    With limited other internal resources, and having had a umber of years trying to fight the energy sucking dementors, Harry struggled to do anything but not believe the lies of Voldemort, the tales being sown into his mind, the lies.

    The Lies that got a reaction. The lies that tormented.

    And yet… at the very last… Harry worked out what he needed, what he needed to do, that the Voldemort was not tormenting him, but giving himself away, giving away his own weaknesses of need and power, and Harry let the voice enter, Harry wanted to see, Harry took control, Harry spoke to the lies.

    Is the message of Harry Potter that love wins? That at that critical moment, the deep magical love passed down from his mother filled Harry with such energy to keep him going? Was it that fighting the voices and torment only gives it power?

    The lies only have power if they are believed.

    Don Miguel Ruiz (The Fifth Agreement)

    They have even more power if we act on them, as Harry did, becoming Hero and being manipulated by the visions.

    I wonder, what are the lies that dominate your life?

    Is it about your body – not being big, tall, thin, fit enough?

    Is it about your job? – not being good enough, earning enough

    Is it about your family? not being as good as _____ (insert other family member you get compared to)

    Is it the voice of perfection, the voice of criticism, the voice of shame, the voice.. the judge, the tyrant, the victim in your mind..?

    It may be there…. but it is lying to you.

    It is lying to you in the same way Voldemort lies to Harry, to manipulate you to become hero, rescuer, to feel victim or bully even (to become like Voldemort himself).

    It is lying to you so you can spend extortionate energy fighting it.

    It is lying to you so that you can stay stuck

    It is lying to you so that you can feel small

    It is lying to you so that you continue to feed it back again

    It is lying to you so that you can stay scared, scared of the power you actually have, and scared to make a choice.

    Is Harry Potter a lesson in mindfulness? Does it take the destruction of the external world and its system to generate this level of inner power and resource? We don’t mourn the end of Hogwarts castle at the end do we, at the end of the film? We don’t mourn the end of the Ministry of Magic being revealed for what it was?

    The voice in our head, mine; self critical, doubt, fear, disbelief, had been believed for far too long, had tormented my dreams, as had those whose presence in them caused nightmares.

    A few years ago, I started instead to hide and try and ignore my dreams, I wrote them down, as much as I could remember, letting them out into the light, seeing what my subconscious was processing, without any self judgement for how weird they were. And, over the last 5 years I have noticed something.

    I have got stronger in my dreams.

    Far from waking up shaken and sweating as before, they would end with me acting bravely, determinedly, to put into practice in my dreams my own self respect and power. I know, it’s not just dreamwork alone that has enabled me to do this, but the ongoing slow process of inner healing, with therapy, journalling, and the process of change. But bringing the torment of the lies to light has been instrumental. In all the ways.

    They are just that. Lies.

    You have a choice, like you do with any lie.

    You can give it weight, give yourself over to it, keep living a life in accordance with it, react to it.

    Or fight it, ‘im not listening, go away’

    Or cover it with something else

    Or maybe:

    You can listen to it.

    Yes thats right, you.

    Because you are not the voice.

    You are you. The voice is the lie.

    You can listen to it, talk to it, calmly, and then make a choice…

    It can be doubted, it may not be true. ‘do I carry on believing you and continue this way of living’ or ‘what if instead, I believed the opposite?’

    Thats right, I said.

    It can be doubted.

    Because its told you it was truth for so long, and now that you’ve given it a moment to consider it, maybe it wasn’t, after all.

    What instead of thinking I am in trouble, I believed I am not in trouble

    What if instead of believing I am not good enough, I believe that I am

    What if instead of trying to be perfect, I just allow myself to be who I am

    What if instead of ____________, I start to believe the opposite

    You are more powerful that you realise, it is a lie that you feel so small sometimes.

    And then act as if this new actual truth… is true.

    There will be more lies, like ‘you can’t change’ , ‘it won’t last’ …. just listen… and believe the opposite…

    Like Harry, it is possible, to change how we deal with the lies.

    The lies keep us trapped in the nightmare.

    The truth will set us free.

    Truths about ourselves.

    Because, you’re reading this, and have got this far.

    I’ll tell you one.

    You are incredible.

    You can be proud of yourself

    You are amazing

    You are love

    These are true. Dont believe me…

    Maybe you’re not ready to… but they are true….

    Might it be better to believe these than the lies so easily believed?

    What different might it make in your life if you did? What risk might it take to do so? What kind of new life for you might awaken in front of you, with this belief about yourself?

    Dont give it thought, accept the truth. The truth of who you actually are, not the voice of those who kept you small, and trapped in their chosen image of you. You are worth much much more than this.

    It’s time to believe.

    It’s time to use the power you have.

    Your Heart. Your beating Heart of love.

    That beats love for you a million times a day.

    Love believes in you. Love angers away the lies. Love finds you hurting and wants to heal, and love loves you. Love is your truth, if you can open up to let it, and then let its truth heal the lies.

    It’s time.. to doubt the lies…and live in the truth.

    References:

    The Four Agreements, Don Ruiz

    The Fifth Agreement, Don Ruiz

    The Untethered Soul , Michael A Singer

    The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle

  • Thief in the Pen

    I am the good Shepherd. The good Shepherd lays down his life for the sheep, the sheep hear my voice and listen, they don’t listen to a stranger, for they dont know his voice. (John 10)

    But Lord we asked, what if the thief is already in the pen, what then?

    The Sheep hear my voic-

    no we didnt, we hear what we’re allowed to hear, A voice that lies

    A voice that pretends to be you, but its not you

    A voice that tells us that we’re just sheep, and there’ll be trouble if we dont obey them

    And says that you’re not coming to protect us……

    Oh Hang on, wait a minute, you let them in didnt you?

    You let them in the pen!

    No, well, that ‘gate’ thing, what I meant was that, thats for you, if there was no robber or thief

    but you let them in too?

    I couldn’t stop them, you know like wheat and weeds, both

    Marvellous, great, a gate keeper with no checklist

    Its not my fault! They didnt appear to be a thief or a robber, its not like they wore it on a lanyard that said ‘Thief, about to steal sheep, D.O.B 11.04.23(AD)’ actually they gave me a great list of all their credentials of sheep care.

    They lied to you too?

    They always lies.

    So that ‘God looks at the heart thing’ you know back in the David days, how was that going, did you have a heart bypass or something, could you not see through it when you let them in, you know twitchy eye contact, a bit too ‘boasty’, seems like they tried too hard, dont you think? Could you not have done something ?

    I am the good Shepherd..

    Yeah yeah, we heard that one at the beginning, if you’re that good where have you been hiding since you let in the robber in the pen?

    Busy.

    Busy?

    Well, yeah, kind of busy.

    Say more, goody shepherd?

    Nope

    We’re waiting

    Well, there’s a pen over there you see, and its just far easier to be their good shepherd, no conflict see, and those sheep get to come and go and I can do that ‘gate’ thing over there, and its just lovely and the sheep play and eat grass

    No thief over there then?

    Well, err no…

    You went for the easy life? Gate duty over there when the thief was in our pen?

    The Sheep heard my voice and they came and went, and danced on the green pasture, and ate the green grass and I could lead them

    Whilst we were trapped and you knew it. No Voice for us

    Thats a bit harsh, you’re not jealous are you? Or just a tiny bit angry?

    (Sheep stares)

    (Uncomfortable silence)

    (Sheep stares a little more)

    We thought we could hear them..the distant sounds of something we once recognised, the sound of fun.. something that we could only ever hear but not do

    Oh yes, Peace and love and joy, sounds about right

    But not in this pen. Not with the thief inside, want to know what the thief said to us when we could hear all that ‘peace and love and joy’ ?

    Ok, yes tell me

    They’re better than you

    They’re more deserving than you

    They’re being spoiled

    They’re not as sinful as you

    They work harder

    Thats what the thief said to us, so that we couldn’t have joy, or love or peace, just more rules, and being busy, and never being good enough, want to know more?

    Yes please do.

    We had to change.

    We stopped feeling like sheep a long time ago, it made us weep to hear that it wasn’t far that sheep could be sheep. We werent our selves, and it was stressing us out

    What do you mean?

    Well it wasn’t safe, no time of day, the thief kept on watching and making us work, and gradually over time we noticed, that we treated each other more prickly too, developed hard shells, toughened our skin, we grew hair to cover our eyes, its like we forgot we were sheep inside, we had to pretend to be sheep.

    Sheep on the inside, elephant on the outside?

    What’s an elephant? All we know is this pen and the thief, oh and those fun loving neighbours, have you been playing with elephants too, in your busy times?

    No, but what else has it been like?

    Thief in the pen? One day one of the workers came up from the farm to check on us, see if we were being treated well , and we were like YAY we might be rescued, (given that you disappeared oh goody two shoes shepherd just out for the fun), and so we started to shout as loud as we could to get his attention, tried to make the hired hand listen to us

    Oh yes the hired hand, he doesn’t listen listen he just runs away

    Yeah, we know that now, thanks for the heads up.

    What happened?

    Well, as the hired hand got closer, we got louder, desperate to get them to realise that something was wrong, and you know what happened next?

    No, tell me

    Our thief smiled all nicely and said those words, ‘don’t worry about them, they’re just a little too sensitive, they get like this on a hot day sometimes, ill take good care of them‘

    And that was it, no further questions, didnt even try, just believed the charm and the smile and walked away. And then…

    then?….

    Thief hits us harder than ever , blames us for showing them up, and you know what they said next, just after, trying to be nice?

    No go on

    That if we spend more time worshipping you he’ll put a good word in and that you’d come and see us. So thats what we did, doubly hard work, making wool and now a daily regime of worship and prayer. Did you not hear us singing to you?

    erm, well, I could hear something, but it was words I didnt recognise and I had nothing to do with that arrangement, the thief always lies.

    We now know that , took a while for us to realise though, and some still can’t believe that the thief always lies, some of us still want to think the best of the thief in the pen, but the only way out was to realise that thief always lies, even when they say they try, try to be better, try to be good they say, but never for long, always lies, never realising that we have to be clever, clever to to figure them out, clever to cope in the pen, with the thief at the helm.

    Once you werent coming, I made a decision, because waiting for you, ‘pray harder’ the thief said, no I had to figure it out and find a way of escaping, I noticed the lies, and just had to ignore what the thief was saying, and realise that their actions didnt match

    And then?

    A few of us got together, kept noticing the patterns and behaviours and realised we could escape, once we remembered that we had more power, and choice, and once we stopped listening to the lies we gained more strength. But thats when thief turned nasty, violent, threatening, unravelling in front of us, we stayed firm and walked out of the gate, thief’s last words were to us was that ‘we wouldnt win, were in trouble now, we’ve made them upset‘ but we walked, and we realised then we could breathe and tasted the clean grass again.

    I can see, im glad you are free

    But others arent though, they are stuck in the pen, with the thief, what about them? What if the thief goes to other pens, what about them?

    The sheep hear my voice – eventually

    Is that what we found?

    I think so, now enjoy life, full life, now that you’ve found it, and made it happen

    Question, just before you go, are you ok with me being angry at you?

    Yes, thats what you needed to get out of the pen

    What if im angry with you for a long time?

    Just take your time, let it out, feel and be loving to all the feelings

    Thank you, and one more thing, why our pen? Why this one and not the other one? We have only known a thief in the pen

    My dear sheep, there is no one answer to that question, and it might take some time for you to realise, but know that you can now rest, and play and live, and breathe and be, and feel your own wisdom, strength and resolve. The why is because what you had was wanted by the thief, you had something they wanted, and they always want and steal, you had something they tried to take, but also maybe there’s magic going on deeper in the whole of creation that neither I or you know about, and that magic has set you free.