Men Fawn Too.

(Extra Travel Bonus Piece)

I wasnt alone for my breakfast this morning. When I woke up the voice was still inside my head. I got up, showered and then went down to the lobby for breakfast. 

Im going to call her ‘she’ for the purposes of ease of writing. 

She’d been with me on my travels so far. It was conversation time. 

She’s given me permission to share this. 

And she wanted a word. More than one. 

I started: Why are you here, this was meant to be my solo travel adventure?

You invited me James. 

No I didnt. I didnt give you tickets, youre not on my rail pass. 

Im here because, you’re making your trip about them. 

Them? 

Yes. Them. 

Them who? 

Everyone else except you. 

How? 

Because you decided to write about it. You decided to invite me here, when you made the choice that you were going to write about your adventures. 

And then what happened? 

I got bigger, I get so big when you think about them, about what youre going to write, about how youre thinking about making yourself sound fun, or big, or deep, or profound. When you stop being in the moment and make the moment about something you might write about. 

But I thought it would be fun to write about it. 

Yes, and im having so much fun. Thats why im getting bigger and bigger. I just press the buttons and youre off. Reflective statement here, cute photos there, using what happens to thinking about if ‘they might like it’ or ‘ they might find it funny’ – oh im so much enjoying this. 

Oh. What’s your name. 

Im Fawn. 

You sound like a deer. 

I have other names too. Im people please. Im your inner puppy dog. 

Fawn is your name. The excitable one thats on a daily walk to somewhere new and is sniffing around and picking up scents and sticks and wagging his tail in delight….? 

Yes. And bringing them back every time, to try and be liked. 

Liked? 

Yes, Liked. And helpful. 

Helpful. 

Yes. I love it when youre helpful. Over reaching. Attuning to the other. Your audience, your readers, them. Friends, strangers, the internet, anyone who googles this.

How long have you been here?

Since forever. 

Forever? 

Yes, im always here if you forget that im here. If you cant stop to notice my speed, my heart beat, my desires and dreams. 

Which are? 

Be liked, be helpful, comfort, soothe, rescue.

My best qualities then. 

Im your fawn response. If you think so. I’ll take it. You are more than me, but right now, im going for walks, need feeding, looking around, im ruling the roost. 

My coffee was barely drunk and the chocolate croissant that wasnt warm to start with was starting to harden with staleness. Id met my fawn response before. I’d done work on fawn response before. It has other names, anxiety, fear. Id seen how she ran wild when i used to deal with conflict situation. Appease, Adapt. 

She continued: 

You want to be liked James, you want to be needed, you want to be helpful. I love that. They are normal things, good things. Put the chairs away, hide in the background, im secretly invisible but completely helpful. 

You’re not convincing me. 

Ive always been here James, im the part of you that tried to fix things you hadn’t broken, tried to soothe people who had harmed you, the part of you that attunes to other people so much and

And. I lose myself. 

Yup. You didnt have a self for so long. Other people may have had an inner dark dog, or a raging Rottweiler. You. Spaniel mixed with Labrador. 

Loving, kind, people pleasing. Eating too much. 

Yup. Got it in one. Decades of it and im exhausted, but thanks for the holiday. You’d go back even to the source of the crime. Going back to get beaten up more. Going back with treats to be liked. Going back with eyes that asked to be liked and helpful. 

So in dog years you’re? 

About 48 sevens. 

Gulp. Like the coffee. I was being told. 

When do you appear most? No didnt need to know the answer. I already knew the answer. I knew the answer because it was obvious. It was when I felt small, when I felt like id lost something, when I felt like I had upset someone, when I was in trouble. When there wasnt a resolvement in conflict. I knew. Id worked on this before. But she was here in the hostel with me, having breakfast with me. Fawn. 

Yes, Youre right James. 

I figured as much. 

So I over compensate? 

Yup. with gifts and sticks and assurance and that waggy cute tail. the one that says like me, dont beat me up, dont be upset with me. Look heres a stick. 

They dont want sticks? 

No. They dont want sticks. 

I sometimes dont realise you’re there. I mean, there no red mist and I dont feel like running. 

No of course not, avoid and fight look different. You are spaniel. 

Im always thinking, Im forgetting to notice that the thoughts are there. 

You got it in one. And you’re totally adorable. 

But not always? 

I dont need to tell you James. 

She didnt need to tell me. I was away from home. I was in a strange place. I had been in situations recently where being attuned to the other and fearing making them upset had happened. I went into a church yesterday, and that was also a place where the fawn grew as a child, teenager and adult, when I needed it, and it was a place to justify helpfulness and the ‘other’. I drank the coffee a bit more. 

Thank you – I replied. 

Thank you? 

Yes. Because I couldnt see you. Now youve made yourself known over breakfast. I realise what was happening. Travel anxiety, met puppy dog energy, and you got big. 

I did. 

You stay under wraps when im on my own, when im regulated, when im calm, when I can sense myself behind you. 

Yes. When you regulate and we talk. Like this. 

Not when im walking and youre my companion and my shadow. Not when im just thinking. 

Exactly that. James, no one realises they’re having a trauma response if it’s what they have always done and it’s comfortable for them. Yours is to love and be kind and helpful. 

So, you could be a superpower. 

Oh im definitely that if you can transform me. 

You’re intuition on a good day? 

Yes. And generosity. And regulating others. Care is your middle name James. 

But too much? 

Yes, sometimes, and with sticks. 

It’s not all the time though? 

No, i do have quieter days, and I am a lot smaller than I used to be, Sometimes you even write stuff and dont care. There even days when you write stuff and people are annoyed at you. I hate those days, I shrink on those ones. 

When I feel secure and powerful? 

Exactly that, when you say no to me, and sometimes no to others. 

Is that how I train you? 

Yes. And stop taking me to the woods for sticks. 

Notice that im here. Im harmless, you’ll love people to death then lick them clean. 

Gee thanks. I have to train you? 

Oh definitely. Pause. Wait. Respond. You know this. 

Im an old dog now, God im so old. You can completely live without me. But youve brought me on holiday with you as if it’s a Saga holiday for dogs. 

Part of me wants to talk about you. Will that be ok? 

Are you trying to be helpful? 

You know the answer Fawn. Is educating or raising awareness being helpful? 

They’re usually the justifcation. 

It’s rare ive heard about Men and the fawn response. It’s even rarer in trauma recovery for men, so much is fight and flight and freeze. 

Agreed. 

Especially in the institutions where guilt and shame give it a whole load of extra pressure. 

I have a field day there, no one knows the word No. 

I didnt. 

Agreed, and you got punished every time you tried, or it was threatened. That monster of a mother of yours kept me on high alert, ready for action. Somehow justified by the Bible too. Because I was busy at home, I was busy everywhere, you couldnt afford not to liked everywhere else either. 

All of your thinking strategies, they were me keeping me safe. Soothe to alleviate, drain me and add a few loyalty points in the bag. Keep up the facade, the identity. Sponge. 

Yes. But im old and tired. Can you put me in a nice chair by the fire now please, my stick chasing days are so well behind me. The recent exercise has tired me out. 

How do I keep you there by? 

Making sure im warm, well fed and have no reason to leave this chair. Love me, talk to me, and please dont make me work. I cant always tell the difference between excitement and danger, either way a spaniel is useful. When you spot something, let me know you can deal with it , breathe, and release. Slow down. If you need to keep me back, you can use the firm tactics. But never tell me off, never hurt me, you’d never do that to a dog would you? 

No, ive a reputation for literally being a dog whisperer. 

Yes, you have, even the traumatised ones, remember those ones in the Lake District a few years ago. It’s because im inside you. They feel my energy radiating when youve got me nice and warm and loved by that inner fire of yours. 

Yes. 

Well, be that to me, and be that to you too. Im your inner spaniel. Restrain me from the stick James. 

Can I still write?

Yes, but James… 

No more sticks? 

Exactly that. 

Needless to say the rest of breakfast and typing this up on the train today has been a deep cleansing emotional experience. As I ate my lunch at Berlin I felt light, I felt at peace. I know my inner spaniel might age with me. I know that she’ll be activated now and then. I could sense her snuggle up on the couch, and there was calm in the dog room of my nervous system. She had shown me her name, she had shown me her way of being. I left, knowing she’s been part of me, and she can stay warm by the fire, retired from stick retrieving. 

Its fascinating. I wanted a day not on the trains because id travelled a lot. Yet, travel days mean that I can just sit and be, and im riding the train with a cuddly dog snuggled on my lap.